How About A Joke Thread

[Markwinstanley]

Barry returned from a doctor’s visit one day and told his wife Carol that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, “Darling, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?” Carol agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eights hours of life left. He touched Carol’s shoulder and said, “Darling please? Just one more time before I die?” She agreed, and then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, lay there awake and listened to the clock ticking in his head, tossing and turning until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. “Darling, I only have four hours left! Could we…?”

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, “Listen, I’m not being funny Barry, but I have to get up in the morning and you don’t!”

Awesome this one is really Good.

[T-Man]

Ole leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a
leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog Dawson knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there
was his doctor, Sven.
"Vell Ole, I got some goot news and some bad news. Da goot news is dat you
are going to be OK.
Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage,
and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole
"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to
your manhood. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."

"Vell, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic
surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony
Orchestra. And because all you have is Obamacare, She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't pee in your eye."

[loodvig]

A husband takes the wife to a disco.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says,

"See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says:

"Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

[T-Man]

A husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"



She says, "I'd take half & leave you."



"Excellent," he replies.




"I won $12.00, here's $6.00.

[T-Man]

The other day someone asked me a rhetorical question, 'You ever wonder why didn't we have a drug problem when we were growing up?'

I replied, 'I DID have a drug problem when I was young'......I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.

I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful. I was drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or pastor, or, if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.

I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds. I was drug to the home's of neighbors to help mow the yard, repair the clothesline, and if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, my dad would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or
heroin: and if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.

God bless the parents who drugged us!

[loodvig]

A student went to Alabama on a football scholarship. He was a great running back, but a poor student. At graduation, he didn't have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the dean agreed if Bubba could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the students packed the place. It was standing room only.
The dean was on the stage and told him to come up. The dean had the diploma in his hand and said, "sir, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma." He said he was ready and the dean asked him the question. "Sir," he said, "How much is three times seven?"
He looked up at the ceiling and the down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The Alabama students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!"
Then he held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. he said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."
A hush fell over the auditorium and the Alabamastudents began another chant. "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

[Old Line Dog]

WHY SENIORS STILL NEED NEWSPAPERS.

I was visiting my daughter last night when...

I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century Dad" she said,

"We don't waste money on

newspapers. Here… use my iPad."


I can tell you this….. that fly never knew what hit him...

[loodvig]

A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United
States.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving me
housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!" The
passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. " Thank you for having
such a beautiful country here in America !" The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderf ul America!" That
person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not
American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says ,
"No, I am from Africa!" Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the
Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work!!!!!!

[loodvig]

Yesterday I was at my local Woolworths store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I’m now banned from Woolworths.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.


Source: http://www.jokideo.com/ive-banned-wo...#ixzz32dUyVcty

[loodvig]

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.