How About A Joke Thread

[tolex42]

A unionized public employee, a member of the Tea Party, and a CEO are sitting at a table. In the middle of the table there is a plate with a dozen cookies on it. The CEO reaches across and takes 11 cookies looks at the Tea Partier and says,"look out for that union guy, he wants a piece of your cookie."

[loodvig]

A big city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by
an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section
through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid
the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in
the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and
tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best
selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he
was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young
lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the
rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one
over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was
asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through
your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand.
I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a
little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned
bull came home this morning."

[Bigheadnc]

A Lantana redneck with a live well full of live Lobster was approached recently by a FWC warden at the Boynton boat launch as he started to drive his boat away from a ramp.

The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"

"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers.
These here are my pet lobsters."

"Pet lobsters??"

"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here lobster o'mine down to the ramp and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they walk right back into my net and I take 'em home."

"What a line of horse shit.you're under arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"

"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"

The redneck released the lobster into the intra coastal and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The Lobster," replied the warden!

"Whut Lobster?" asked the redneck.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

[Boomer gone soft]

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

[/SIZE][/FONT]

People generally don't get stronger as they age.....

just saying......

We're a little tougher up here.

[loodvig]

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh... send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf mute gymnast nymphomaniac
with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and love to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[loodvig]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of
Fundy, Nova Scotia, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties.

"We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife,"
said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news..

Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said

"Give me the bad news first."

The second Mountie said,

"I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body
in the bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's
the good news?"

The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five
pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the
great news???"

The Mountie answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow.

[loose neutral]

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded that it was so. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it.

No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!

[loose neutral]

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a fancy solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think " he said, "when I am president, I could have a gold urinal too. But I wouldn't do something that self-centered!"

Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That night, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill, "Guess what?, I found out who pissed in your saxophone.

[duckhunter]

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while one
looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to
you, that you're from Ireland.

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?

The other woman answers, 'I'm from St.John's, I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I! And what street did you live on?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area it was in the west end. I
lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of
course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me,what
year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub
tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in
1964 me self.

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down and orders a
beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael, shaking his head and
mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian ?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

[duckhunter]

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,

he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him.I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know.. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.