How About A Joke Thread

[tolex42]

I-90 will be closed tomorrow across South Dakota.They're hauling a 200 ton lump of coal so they can add Obama to Mount Rushmore, they couldn't find a 200ton piece of shit.

They could've found one in Crawford Texas!

[electriklady]

you are absolutely obsessed with your hatred of President Obama, you add some disrespectful slam to every post you make, in every thread.

Have you ever watched the show obsession? Where you cannot stop doing something due to irrational thinking? My kid is a therapist.....I can probably get you in.

to Tolex

[tolex42]

you are absolutely obsessed with your hatred of President Obama, you add some disrespectful slam to every post you make, in every thread.

Have you ever watched the show obsession? Where you cannot stop doing something due to irrational thinking? My kid is a therapist.....I can probably get you in.

to Tolex

Or could it be that he cannot accept that a black man doesn't know his place and had the gall to become president!!!!!

[electriklady]

I think there is a lot of that in this country

[loodvig]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit
by a truck and dies.

The Senator's soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the
entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

St. Peter says, "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.
What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven.
Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the
Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules", replies St.Peter.

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle
of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in
front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked
with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar
and champagne.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has
a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good
time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven," St Peter says.

So, 24 hours pass with the Senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and the 24 hours in heaven passes by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now which
will you choose for your eternity?" St Peter asks.

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers, "Well, I never
would have thought it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but
I think I would be happier and better off .. in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The Devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.


"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and
caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now
there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look
miserable. What happened?"

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning.. Today .. you voted."

[Highplains Drifter]

New use for Windex


I haven't checked ' Snopes.Com ' to see if this actually

Works or Not . . . But they say,


If you ever get the sudden URGE to run around naked,
You should sniff some Windex first.





It'll keep you from streaking.

[loodvig]

Barber and Kid


A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his
customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I
prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the
other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming
out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the
dollar, the game's over!"

[loodvig]

Class Reunion


Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School.
They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet
for lunch in a wine bar.

Rachel arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of
Pinot Grigio. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After
the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine.
Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans
and boots. She too shares the wine.


Rachel explains that after leaving high school and graduating from
Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has
a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's
leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue,
where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second
home in Phoenix.

Clare relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a
surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment
banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second
home in Naples, Florida .

Samantha explains that after she left school, at 17, she ran off with
her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in California and
grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side,
on his penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Rachel
blurts out that her husband is a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a
small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a
nearby storage facility.

Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains
that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They
live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Samantha says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

[Squizzy]

I've started an online business, selling home made explosive devices diguised as prayer mats. The money is great and prophets are going through the roof...

[loodvig]

Learning Numbers


The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.

"Yes," he said, "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three?"

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a fine job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack!"