How About A Joke Thread

[loodvig]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies

"There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results... He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .

The computer prints the following:


1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Walmart

[loodvig]

Fast Old Ladies


Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police
officer saw a car puttering along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself,
that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights
on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are
5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and
looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said,"Officer, I don't understand, I
wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than
the speed limit can also be dangerous".

"Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles
an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route
number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned,
thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am,
I have to ask, is everyone OK? These women seem badly shaken and
haven't uttered a word all this time"

"Oh! They will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off
Route 142."

[loodvig]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee
leaning against the wall outside an immigration office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama
and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the
United States with your wife and eight children."

The man told the fairy,"Well, where I come from we don't have good
teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! --
he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."

The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a
three car garage on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and
the rest of my relatives who are still in Mexico.

I want to bring them all over here" --- and -- PING ! -- in the
distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car
garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale
neighborhood overlooking the bay.

"One more wish", said the fairy, waving her wand.

"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American
clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead
of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans"
---and --- PING ! -- The man was transformed - wearing worn out
jeans, a New York Yankees T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his
bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed, "Where is my new house?"

The fairy said: "Tough s**t, Amigo, Now that you are a White
American, you have to fend for yourself." And she disappeared..

[loodvig]

An Israeli doctor says:
"Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says:
"That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says:
"In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them
both looking for work in two weeks."

A USA doctor, says:
"You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of ILLINOIS, put him in the White House and within SIX MONTHS, half the COUNTRY is looking for work."

[loodvig]

Peppermint


A farmer went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The
loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent the money, came by a week
later to see how the bull was doing. The farmer complained that
the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. Banker
Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.

Next week, Banker Bill returned to see if the vet had helped. The
farmer looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all of my cows!
He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbor's cows!

He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a
machine!"

"Wow," said Banker Bill, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked Banker Bill.

"I don't know, but they kind of taste like peppermint."

[loodvig]

Wrong Answer


I was out with family and friends at a local bar, and I really stuck
my foot in my mouth!

They had a contest going on at the bar *and of course we all joined in.
I was doing quite well, proud of being able to answer all the questions.

I lost out on winning the quiz by one point.

The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"

Apparently its Africa ..

[wtdoor67]

This big old country boy was perusing the help wanted ads. He saw one for a nearby circus. It said Lion Tamer needed, apply in person. He thought, what the hell, I was raised around animals. I'll give er a shot.

When he showed up the ring master said. There's only been 2 applicants. You and this good looking blonde. Let's go out and see what y'all can do. They approached the lion's cage. The ring master said. I guess it's ladies first, let's see what she can do. The door was opened and the girl stepped into the cage with the lion. She was wearing a long fur coat. With a roar the lion charged. The lady opened the coat and was completely nude. The lion ran up and began to lick her and purr.

Observing this the ring master looked at the country boy and said. Can you beat that? The country boy replied. You damn right. Just get that lion out of there.

[duckhunter]

Even after the recent Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I have noticed a large number of people implying with bad jokes that Cajuns aren't smart. I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody that would build a city 12 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats is a damn genius !!!!!

[tolex42]

On his death bed, Earl Woods gave Tiger the following words of wisdom------


"Focus on golf, and fxxk everything else!

[THE KID]

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.