How About A Joke Thread

[LINETRASH]

So this redneck was visiting his son at Harvard.

His son was in class, so the redneck was wandering the hallowed halls.

He had to pee, so he asked a passing proffesor "say, man, where's the bathroom at"?

The proffesor sniffed "This is Havard,sir, we do not end our sentences with a preposition here"!

The redneck thought about it for a second, then replied "sorry, man, my bad. where's the bathroom at, muther****er"?

[Squizzy]

Moses and Jesus were out fishing in heaven one day, after the usual chit chat Jesus says to Moses "Do you reckon you can still part the water?"
"Yep as a matter of fact I believe I still have it" was the reply.
"Yeah right"says Jesus,"go on prove it", so Moses stands up with out stretched arms and sure enough the water parts all the down to the sea-bed.
Moses then turns to Jesus and says "what about you, you stil got it?"
"Got what?
"Think you can still walk on water do you?"
"Of course I can I am the son of God and can do anything!" So without delay Jesus stands up raises his eyebrows at Moses and steps off the side of the boat.....Splash! In he goes straight under, feeling a little perplexed and concerned Moses hangs his head over the side to see how Jesus is going. A couple of seconds later Jesus pops up through the waters surface coughing and spluttering but otherwise ok.
"Thought you could do anything" says Moses
"Didn't relise I still had holes in my feet"......

[Squizzy]

Three blokes - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie Engineer are all working together one day and they come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of You one wish, Which is three wishes in total" says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." POOOOFF! With The blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious state." POOOFF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Aussie Engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable." The Aussie Engineer sits down,cracks a beer, smiles and says, "Fill it with water".........

[loner]

after much study on the matter and lots of input from advisors barack obama has seen fit to finally tell the american people the hard truth.ladies and gentlemen,i have come to the realization that there is no real fix to the economy so i guess i will have to nigger rig it for now.

[Squizzy]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird
section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for
the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of
the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one
on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the
bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE......

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff
carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis." Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box
and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as halfway down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET. . .

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of
which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff
and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgiejumping, den Seamus parrotshooting. . . And now Sean and hisfook'n hengliding! "

[thrasher]

Quote" We, in Ireland, can't figure why you Americans are even bothering to hold an election in the United States. One the one side, you have a witch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, running against a lawyer, who is married to a lawyer. On the other side, you have a war hero married to a rich good looking woman who owns a beer distributorship. Why are you lads even thinking about the answer? "

[wtdoor67]

Quote" We, in Ireland, can't figure why you Americans are even bothering to hold an election in the United States. One the one side, you have a witch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, running against a lawyer, who is married to a lawyer. On the other side, you have a war hero married to a rich good looking woman who owns a beer distributorship. Why are you lads even thinking about the answer? "

Yeah but it's American beer. Now if she had a Guinness dealership maybe Obama would have a worry.

[Hemingray Insulators]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_mRD...eature=related

[Squizzy]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky

clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, The Lord said, 'Because you

have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride

over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous

challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the

bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will

nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for

me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and

think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I

wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how

she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent

treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and

how I can make a woman truly happy.

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

[Squizzy]

Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on an empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar 'pay' she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with the crew
building the house next door to us.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?'

The little girl replied, 'I will if those ar$eholes at Bunnings ever deliver the fuc$ing Gyprock...'