How About A Joke Thread

[loodvig]

South Carolina declares War!


Pres. Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hello? President Obama?" a deep southern voice said, "This here's
Archie down at Joe's Catfish Shack in Charleston, SC, and I am
acallin' to tell all y'all up there in Washington that we are
officially declaring war on you folks."

"Well, Archie," Barack replied, "this is, indeed, some very
interesting news. How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moment's calculation, "there's me,
my cousin Harold and my next door neighbor Randy plus the whole dart
team here in Hooters. That makes 8 of us!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you, Archie, that I have one million men
in my army and they are waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie, "I'll have to call you back." A few minutes
later, Archie called again. "Mr. Obama, this war is still on. We
managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well, we got us a coupla combines, a bulldozer and Harry's tractor."

Obama grinned and sighed... "I must tell you guys, Archie, that I
have 16,000 tanks and 14,0000 armored personnel carriers and I've
increased my army by one and a half million since we spoke a few
minutes ago."

"Lawdy mercy!" said Archie, "Lemme get back to ya."

A few minutes later, Archie called back. "Mr. Obama, I'm sorry to
say it, but we have had to call off this here war we been talkin'
'bout."

"Well, Archie, I'm sorry to hear that," said Barack. "Why the sudden
change of heart, if I may I ask?"

"Well, I tell you, prez, it's like this," said Archie. "We've sat
ourselves down and had a chat over our sweet tea and we jus' come to
realize that there ain't no way we can afford to feed two million
prisoners!"

SOUTHERN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN.

[loodvig]

Ice Fishing


There were two good ol' boys from Alabama, who love to fish, and
they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in
Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely.
They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait
shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're gonna
need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off. In about
two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're
gonna need another dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he
didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an
hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all the ice picks
you've got."

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked,
"how are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in
the water yet."

[loodvig]

Census Form


Has anyone else experienced difficulty in completing the recent
census form? Because they just sent my census form back!!

In answer to the question; 'Do you have any dependants?', I put;

'Refugees, Illegal Immigrants, Asylum seekers, Drug Addicts,
Unemployable Ba***rds, Militant Muslims, The Democratic Party,
Haiti and half of Eastern Europe!' Not to mention 5 million
First Nations people.

...apparently that wasn't an acceptable answer!

[loodvig]

Pope on the Airplane
One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.

"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pope.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his bag and began working on it.

"This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and asked, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'u-n-t'?

The man was in shock. He could only think of one word that fit the description and he was not about to say it to the Pope.

The gentleman thought for a while longer, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."

"Of course," replied the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

[loodvig]

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas-Style!"

The 8 contestants will all start in Dallas then drive to Waco , Austin , San Antonio , over to Houston and down to Brownsville . They will then proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso , Odessa , Midland , Lubbock , and Amarillo .
From there they will go on to Abilene , Fort Worth , and finally back to Dallas ...

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm a Democrat," "Amnesty for Illegals," "I love the Dixie Chicks," "Boycott Beef," "I Voted for Obama, " George Strait Stinks," "Hillary in 2012" And... "I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

[loodvig]

How to Identify Where a Driver is From

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York.
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New Jersey.
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los Angeles.
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake,quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.
8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cellphone, foot on brake, mind on radio game: Seattle.
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.
10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia.
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.

[loodvig]

Top Ten Canadian Complaints Against Americans


1. Won't acknowledge enormous cultural contributions of Howie Mandel.

2. We're pretty sure they're holding Wayne Gretzky down there against
his will.

3. Every time we mention the city "Regina," they won't stop giggling.

4. Incredibly, they only have one word for "snow"

5. In American encyclopedias, Canada is often called "North Dakota's
gay neighbor"

6. They call it American cheese, even though it was invented by
Canadian superstar Gordon Lightfoot

7. They've never even heard of our most popular superhero, Captain
Saskatchewan

8. Two words: "Weird Al"

9. Get all confused when we ask a question that ends with "eh?"

10. Not enough guys named "Gordie"

[loodvig]

Express Lane


I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into
the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come
forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items
would you like to buy?"

[Pootnaigle]

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. Check out the following for examples:

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse always gets the cheese.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of a pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, "In an emergency, notify:" I always put, "DOCTOR."

I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but always check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You definitely need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some darned good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Hospitality: Making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

[T-Man]

was living with 3 wives in one compound,
and never left the house for 5 years.





What are the odds that Bin Laden called the
U.S. Navy Seals himself?

[loodvig]

Stupid Question

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport
employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your knowledge?"

To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I
know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

[McEthan]

Joke time....

Mrs. Smith was walking down on one Peterborough houses in a Street in Ontario, and coming in the opposite direction was Father Rafferty. "Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs. Smith? Didn't I marry you two years ago?" She replied "That you did Father." The priest asked, "And are there any little ones yet?" "No, not yet Father," said she. "Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you." "Thank you, Father." And away she went.

A few years later they met again. "Well, now, Mrs. Smith," said the Father, "how are you?" "Oh, very well," said she. "And tell me," he said, "have you any little ones yet?" "Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles -- ten in all." "Now isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely husband?" "Oh," she said, "he's gone to Rome. To blow out the **** candle!

[RWD]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. I went to the parking lot, when I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[loodvig]

Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man came to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doctor, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. She even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yes, none of us could get the jar open."

[loodvig]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?''

[heelwinch]

There once was a man named Weiner

Who had a perverted demeanor

Forced from the Hill

For acting like Bill

Now Congress is one weiner leaner

[loodvig]

Congrats on the quitin smokin thing! Check this dude out!!!:eek:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCm4r0F0tts&feature=player_embedded

That was great!:D

[T-Man]

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

"Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you
ask me if I'm Polish?"



The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

[T-Man]

Men Teaching Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Sun, July 26, 2011

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down,
or *****ing About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?
Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--
Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials
and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds
of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum ..
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes
Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes
Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

[T-Man]

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat,
and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville ,
WA .
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She
wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started
to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a
spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid
down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She
told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter
and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her
story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the
examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The
angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then
told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental
Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land
Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a
“recreational area” so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm
sorry, but due to ObamaCare they turned me down."

[T-Man]

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race
again and it won again.


The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid
of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the
plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

[loodvig]

*SAD NEWS* Please join me in remembering YET ANOTHER great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Dough Boy died today of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.

Dough Boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, john Dough, Jane Dough and Dill Dough. Plus they had one in the oven.


Services will be held @ 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[T-Man]

Ole is the Pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and
Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church
across the road. One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground,
which said:

DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells,
"Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

Shakin' his head, Rev. Ole says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should
yust say, 'Bridge Out?'"

[loodvig]

My First Condom:

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the local pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Dolores) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' she asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'we don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within three minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked me. I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She then beat the **** out of me.... Women have always been hard for me to figure out!

[duckhunter]

A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you"

Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me...talking to the wine."

[loodvig]

Forrest Gump in Heaven


The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However,
the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that
the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an
entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you
have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir.
But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the
test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only
three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the
next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up and says, "Now
that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell
me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the
week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy.
That'd be Today and Tomorrow.

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's
not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I
guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that
answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and
thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how
in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in
a year?"

Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd,
February 2nd, March 2nd. . ..."

"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going
with this,and I see your point, though that wasn't quite
what I had in mind....but I'll have to give you credit for
that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final
question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure", Forrest replied, "its Andy."

"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter.
"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to
my first two questions,but just how in the world did you
come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied.
"I learnt it from the song. 'Andy walks with me. Andy talks
with me. Andy tells me I am his own...'"

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."

[duckhunter]

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a
gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking
her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to

come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . ...





Wait for it ... .....





It's coming ...... ....




The suspense is killing you, isn't it?






She said ....

....:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

[topgroove]

How bout Batman and Robin? C'mon who didn't think those two birds wern't playing hide the salami ? Hell might as well throw Yogi and boo boo in there too!

personally I could care less!
seams to me these people have way too much time on their hands. I'ld love to blow their whole issue up in their faces... Like how bout Casper the friendly ghost? he never had a side kick! what did he do ? Masturbate? OMG... talk about tease and denile! How the hell is something like that gonna get a nut off?
One thing that does puzzel me though is,,,,, if two gay guys are laying in bed late at night and they hear a strange noise, Who has to get up and check it out?

[Senko11]

Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.
After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and
Obama asks him his name.

" Walter ," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter ?"

"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse?
Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you
knew nothing about his preachings and beliefs?
Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't
allowed to?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they
will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that 's right:
question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his
name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have 6 questions.
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse?
Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you
knew nothing about his preachings and beliefs?
Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't
allowed to?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the f#+k happened to Walter ?"

[loodvig]

Wise Italian Grandfather


Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?

[duckhunter]

The Main Reason That Santa Is So Jolly Is Because He Knows Where All The Bad Girls Live.

[duckhunter]

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

[Pootnaigle]

An Irishman found an old bottle in the sand, picked it up and rubbed it a little to see what was inside. A genie pops out and tells him he has been granted 3 wishes. Whats your first wish asked the genie?" I'd like a bottle of whiskey that never gets empty " said the Irishman, and shure enuff the genies produces a Large bottle of whiskey. The Irishman turns it up and tries his best to drink it dry. At about the halfway mark he sat it down and lo and behold the bottle somehow refilled itself. Quite pleased, the irishman grabbed the bottle turned it up and began walking away.Hey the genie said you still have 2 more wishes what do you want?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. Just give me 2 more of these said the Irishman

[US & CA Tramp]

BREAKING NEWS:

President Obama has just confirmed that the DC earthquake occurred on a rare and obscure fault-line, apparently known as "Bush's Fault".

Conservatives however have proven that it was caused by the founding fathers rolling over in their graves.:D


I love this one! best one I have heard for a while!!

[Squizzy]

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal

Commission for Political Correctness announced today that

the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as

'English Weather'





Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the

UK population, it will now be referred to as:


'Muslim Weather'


( Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite )

[T-Man]

http://dauckster.posterous.com/lutheran-airlines-fg-audio-only

[loodvig]

http://dauckster.posterous.com/lutheran-airlines-fg-audio-only

I don't get it?

[RWD]

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies...

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurts. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


On the subject of Colonoscopies....
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

[loodvig]

Carol's Gun


Rummaging through her attic one day, my friend Carol found an old
shotgun. Unsure how to dispose of it, she called her parents.

"Take it to the police station," her mother suggested. My friend
was about to hang up when her mom added....

"And, Carol?"

"Yes, mom?"

"Call them first and let them know you're coming."

[T-Man]

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and ****head's.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?

10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

16. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."

18. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

22. Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

24. Snowmen fall from Heaven un-assembled.

25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.

[LAMartin.CVEC]

Two wives go out for girls night. Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning one husband called the other and said "no more girls night out! my wife came back with no panties." the other husband said "you think that's bad? mine came back with a card in her crack that read 'from all of us at the fire station... we'll never forget you!

[Highplains Drifter]

AND THEN GOD CREATED VIRGINIA


God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.



He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.

Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.

Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Virginia, the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains.

The people from Virginia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.

They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things"

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "Right next to Virginia is Washington , D.C.
Wait till you see the idiots I put there.."

[T-Man]

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the "USRSF" (US Redneck Special Forces). These southern boys will be dropped in Afghanistan knowing only these facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Monday.:cool:

[Highplains Drifter]

Q: What's the difference between a union buster and a pit bull terrier?
A: At least you can get part of your baby back from the pit bull.

[topgroove]

thanks swamp..... now that was funny:D

[T-Man]

Linemen are like panties... Some crawl up your ass. Some snap under pressure. Some don't have the strength to hold you up. Some get a little twisted. Some are your favorite. Some are holy. Some are cheap. Some are naughty. Some are full of crap, and some actually cover your ass when you need them to.

[T-Man]

The person who calculated this bit of information is now and has been a professor at the University of West Virginia in Morgantown for the last forty some years.

A clunker that travels 12,000 miles a year at 15 mpg uses 800 gallons of gas a year.

A vehicle that travels 12,000 miles a year at 25 mpg uses 480 gallons of gas a year.

So, the average Cash for Clunkers transaction will reduce gasoline consumption by 320 gallons per year.

The government claims 700,000 clunkers have been replaced so that's 224 million gallons saved per year.

That equates to a bit over 5 million barrels of oil.

5 million barrels is about 5 hours worth of US consumption.

More importantly, 5 million barrels of oil at $70 per barrel costs about $350 million dollars.

So, the government paid $3 billion of our tax dollars to save $350 million.

We spent $8.57 for every $1.00 we saved.

But I'm pretty sure they will do a better job with our health care.:confused:

[Roofus]

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new elite fighting unit called the US Redneck Special Forces (USRSF) These southern boys will be dropped into Afghanistan knowing only these facts about terrorists: 1.The season opened today. 2. There is no limit. 3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt...The Pentagon expects the problem to be solved by Monday

[T-Man]

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.

[Southpaw]

I've never really considered the implications of these

statistics until now.



Holiday Warning..

Please, take care of yourself.





A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health

and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic

accidents are alcohol related,


This means that the remaining 77% are caused by *******s

who drink bottled water, starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks, and ****

like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They

cause three times as many accidents.

[Southpaw]

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”
Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

[Southpaw]

Health Truth.....

[loodvig]

My teacher asked us what our favourite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favourite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where the f * ck I am...?!?

[Southpaw]

Blonds....gotta love em.

[Southpaw]

Better than a Flu
Shot!

Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room.
She invited him to have a
seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,the young
minister noticed a cut glass
bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated. of all
things, a condom!

When she returned
with tea and scones, they
began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity
about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it
wonderful? I was walking
through the park a few
months ago and I found
this little package on the
ground.

The directions said
to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

[Southpaw]

MY NEW PRIMARY CARE PHYSICIAN

Dr. Woo.

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[loodvig]

Caution about drinking and driving this Christmas SeasonI would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the
authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends
and had a few too many beers and some rather nice claret.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done
before - I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have
never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one

[Southpaw]

A husband and wife are shopping when the husband picks up a

case of beer and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $30 for 24 cans he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they

carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $60 jar of face cream

and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price.'



He never knew what hit him.

[Joshi82]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he wanted a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and found a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something much more special."

The jeweler went to his special stock in the safe and brought another ring back. "This one's $40,000." The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man said, "I'll take it!"

The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the old man said, "By check, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday to verify funds. I'll pick up the ring on Monday afternoon."

Monday morning, the jeweler called the old man saying, "There's no money in that account!"

The old man said, "I know, but let me tell you about my weekend!"

[reppy007]

I know a couple of jokes.........nevermind,,,,,,,,,,i think you all heard of those 2 before.

[Swamprat]

Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth

with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.



Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head,




took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of



Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released



him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.



A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.

[T-Man]

One night, a torrential rain soaked northwestern Minnesota. The next morning the resulting flood waters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.

Mrs. Johnson was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Lena, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Johnson noticed a baseball cap, floating near the house.

Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back towards the house.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Lena, "Do you see dat der baseball cap a floatin' away from da house, den back again?"

Lena said, "Oh yeah, dats my husband Ole; I tole dat lazy-son oov a ***** he vasgonna cut da grass today, come hell or high water!!!!

[Swamprat]

For that special evening on an Italian Cruise.

[Swamprat]

The look on these womens faces is priceless!

The Woman In The Changing Room (set up ) - Heaven666 (http://www.heaven666.org/embed/58709)

[loodvig]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
> He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know...., I
> just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather be working."
>
> The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.
> We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
> Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive
> her around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CLS, and he will supply all of
> your upscale clothes.
>
> Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be
> expected to escort his daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is
> rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job
> assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid
> 20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
>
> The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull****ting me!"
>
> The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."

[duckhunter]

A successful rancher died and left everything to
his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and
the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than
the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the
hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your
heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town
one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he
returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he
found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by
her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her
eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.'
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever
wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either.

[Pootnaigle]

Ummmmmm I would like to recount a baseball game from back in my youth. We had a great team and were playing for the championship with another great team. They had a pitcher named Mel Famee that was just awsome he could throw a mean curve ball , a fast ball that literaly smoked t was so fast, and a knuckleball that seemd like it jus floated but you could never get a solid hit on it. He had a small problem in that he drank quite heavily and while he was in the dugout he always had several beers iced down.
It was the bottom of the ninth and we were at bat.. score tied bases loaded and our weakest hitter up to bat. The count was 3 balls and 2 strkes, and Mel Famme was on the mound , after several fouls he walked to the dugout and popped a top swalled it down and stepped back on the mound and proceeded to throw one wayyy outside and high. A run walked in and we won. And so on that day it became known as
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the beer that made Mel Famee walk us

[Swamprat]

You, who worry about Democrats versus Republicans -- relax, here is our real problem.

In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States.

It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.

In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating:

"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"


Yep, these are the same 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections!

They breed and they walk among US...

Lord--we need more help than we thought we did

[Swamprat]

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband - for example

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello’?”

[T-Man]

Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in
Minneapolis and one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck
in the hangar with nothing to do.

Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!"

Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear you can drink dat yet fuel and get
a buzz. Ya vanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of Jet A and got completely smashed.

Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels
GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?"

Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?"

Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"

Ole says, "No dat yet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve
oughta do dis more often."

Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."

Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"

Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"

Ole stopped to think. "No "

"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Iowa ..":eek:

[loodvig]

Two families moved from Afghanistan to America.

When they arrive, the two fathers made a bet. In a year's time, whichever family had become more Americanized would win.

A year later they met. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud... how about you?"

The second man replied, "Screw you, raghead."

[Swamprat]

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America .

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 9%.


COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?


ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.


COSTELLO: You just said 9%.


ABBOTT: 9% Unemployed.


COSTELLO: Right 9% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 16% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 9%...

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 9% or 16%?

ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.

COSTELLO: IF you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have
to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work, can't be counted with those who
look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To who?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work... Those who are
out of work stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no
longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles, that would count as
less unemployment?


ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 9%. Otherwise, it
would be 16%. You don't want to read about 16% unemployment do ya?

COSTELLO: That would be frightening.

ABBOTT: Absolutely.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means they're two ways to
bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier
of the two is to just stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an economist.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what I just said!

And now you know why Obama's unemployment figures are improving!

[SBatts]

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America .

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 9%.


COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?


ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.


COSTELLO: You just said 9%.


ABBOTT: 9% Unemployed.


COSTELLO: Right 9% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 16% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 9%...

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 9% or 16%?

ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.

COSTELLO: IF you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have
to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work, can't be counted with those who
look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To who?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work... Those who are
out of work stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no
longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles, that would count as
less unemployment?


ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 9%. Otherwise, it
would be 16%. You don't want to read about 16% unemployment do ya?

COSTELLO: That would be frightening.

ABBOTT: Absolutely.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means they're two ways to
bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier
of the two is to just stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an economist.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what I just said!

And now you know why Obama's unemployment figures are improving!


WELL I HAVE BEEN BACK THREE WEEKS AND KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT
But this is the end you racist S0N of a ******. POOT & TRACEY can't cover for you any more.
I never attacked you or Tracy's sites . That stops today. I will use the brotherhood to ruin you. You or Tracy want to keep your Art or photo sites then, GET OFF THIS SITE.