How About A Joke Thread

[loodvig]

Lost Wallet


A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of
his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his
way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy..

"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.

"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of
Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the
other."

"This I gotta see," replied the agent. With that, the guy dropped his
pants and showed the agent his behind.. "By golly, you're right!"
exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago."

"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago?"

The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."

[Squizzy]

Stumbled across a Gay Bar the other day so went on in up to the Bar where a chap proceed to ask " Would you like me to push you're STOOL in!"


And then the head waiter came over....

[Squizzy]

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American .

He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, New Zealand.
In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone.

He arrived at the Gold Coast, in Australia and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Australia now, son - "This is Heaven," so it's a local call'.

[loodvig]

1. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching
down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning." He said, "No, just taking a ****."

2. When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way.. So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.

3. My wife was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you *******!" I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, "That would hurt too much."

4. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

5. I was walking down the road and saw my Afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"

[loodvig]

Lemon Pickers Wanted


The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far
too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this:
"Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!

"I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers, and I voted for Obama.

[loodvig]

Baseball in Heaven


There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park
feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every
day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in
heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's
make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if
you die first, you come back and tell me -- if there is baseball in
heaven."

They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on.
One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by
himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

[wudwoker51]

We've all heard of the infamous "Little Johnny." Well here's his counterpart, "Little Sally." Little Sally came home from school one day all excited with a huge smile on her face. She proudly told her Mom "Little Johnny showed me his weenie today on the playground." Before her mother could raise her concern, Little Sally went on to say "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing now with a hidden smile on her face Sally's mom asked,"Really small was it?" Little Sally replied "NO......SALTY" Sallys Mom fainted.:D

[loodvig]

Seven Kinds Of Sex


Results of recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens
when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue
in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have
been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you
will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen..

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. * This is when you have
been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine,
and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have
been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in
the hallway you both say 'screw you," and make the woo woo sound.

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get
Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very
Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot
stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in
front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social
Security Sex. * You get a little each month. But not enough to
enjoy yourself.


PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN -- I have
enough problems of my own!

[loodvig]

Two Radical Arab Terrorists

boarded a flight out of London .

One took a window seat

and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Army Sgt sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Sgt kicked his shoes off,

wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat
said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Sgt,

'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up

the Sgt’s shoe and spat in it. When the Sgt returned,

the other Arab said,

'That looks good, I'd really like one, to.'

Again, the Sgt went to fetch it.


While he was gone the other Arab picked up

the Sgt’s other shoe and spat in it. When the Sgt returned,

they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Sgt slipped his feet into his shoes &


knew immediately what had happened.

He leaned over & asked his Arab neighbors,

'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on?

This fighting between our nations?

This hatred?
This animosity?

This spitting in shoes

and peeing in cokes?'

[lewy]

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[wudwoker51]

Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 60 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask one question. Their answer would determine which one of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?' The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT..' It just pops into your head. There's no warning. "That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?' she asked the second man. 'Hmmm....let me see....'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A BLINK is fastest thing I know of.' "Excellent!' said Jennifer. " The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche' for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of his house and on his wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant 'Yup, Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.' Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said. Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.' 'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response... 'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK,BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had all ready $h!t my pants.' BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Walmart near you! You probably will think of this every time you enter a Walmart store from now on:D

[loodvig]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[loodvig]

WAL-MART GREETER

So, after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

[wudwoker51]

#10-You can trade a 44 for a 22... #9- You keep one gun at home and have another for when you are on-the-road... #8- If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will tell probably let you try it out a few times... #7- Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup... #6 -Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo... #5- A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space... #4- A gun functions normally every day of the month... #3- A gun doesn't ask, 'Do these grips make me look fat?'... #2- A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it....AND...the #1 reason a gun is favored over a woman...........YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!!!:D

[loodvig]

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They managed to bag six.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[loodvig]

Traffic Court


A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear
for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he
waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before
the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned till the
next day and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared,
"Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented.
"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two
more words."

[loodvig]

Diesel Fitter


Pedro and Tomas worked together and both were laid off, so they
went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation,
Pedro answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies'
cotton panties."

The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as
"unskilled"
labor", she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Tomas was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter," he replied.
Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Tomas
$600 a week.

When Pedro found out he was furious. He stormed back into the
office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting
double his pay. The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are
unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?!" yelled Pedro. "I sew the elastic on a panties,
Tomas puts dem over his head and says, "Yeah, diesel fitter."

[wudwoker51]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Ralph jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied ' He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.....How soon can I go home?'

[heelwinch]

I walked into the bedroom one night after being out with the boys. I had a big sheep under my arm.
I said " this is the cow I've been sleeping with", my wife replied " that's not a cow Steve, that's a fukkin sheep!!".
" I know" I said, "that's who I was talking to!"

My pole buddy and I were driving to the show up one morning and there was this girl standing on the corner sticking her tongue out.

I asked Mike what her problem was... nothing he said.... she's a lesbian, with a hard on.

[wtdoor67]

you call a Lesbian with a 6" middle finger. Well hung.


The Lesbian was instructing the carpenter on how she wanted her house built. "I want no studs in this house, everything is to be tongue and groove."

Swamp was at a party. His friend said. "I'll give you an intro to this lady here but watch your tongue as she's a Lesbian." Swamp replied. "No problem. I'm cool." After being introduced he exclaimed. "Say how are things in Beirut?"

[LostArt]

Super Bowl

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else-a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".

The man shakes his head.

"No, they're all at the funeral."

[THE KID]

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the *******,
and they are interchangeable'

[THE KID]

The Headache


The doctor said, "Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the
pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the testicles."

Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the
hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he
felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new
suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... Size 44
Long."

Bill laughed, "That's right, how did you know?

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Bill tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Bill admired himself in the
mirror,

The salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Bill thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Bill
and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Bill was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Bill tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Bill walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How
about some new underwear?"

Bill thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see...Size 36."

Bill laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one
hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS




















__________________________________________________

[Squizzy]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric, the little *******.

[Highplains Drifter]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack .

" Miss Whack , I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."


Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(folks, you're gonna luv this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...


"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack . Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."



http://cdn.irv2.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=3029&d=1266289708

[wtdoor67]

gonna tell this one.



There used to be this couple in the movies etc. called Roy Rogers and Dale Evans. Don't know if many of you remember.

Anyway old Roy bought a new pair of tennis shoes. He left them on the front porch for the night. Next morning when he came out his new shoes were in terrible shape, something had clawed and chewed them up something fierce. Roy took a look around and sure enough he spied tracks in the yard. Upon Trigger's back he bounded and headed out on the trail. Eventually he showed up back at the ranch with a bobcat hanging off his saddle. Dale showed up and said. "Pardon me Roy is that the cat that ate your new shoe?"

[loodvig]

2 Brazilian Soldiers


The Dept of Defense briefed the president this morning. They told
President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Afghanistan.

To everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obama's face.
Then he collapsed onto his desk, Head in his hands, visibly shaken,
almost in tears. Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just how
many is a Brazilian?'

This is not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of
billion or trillion either!

[wudwoker51]

Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photo's and they start reminiscing. 'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.' 'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other woman cheerfully. 'He's a martyr now though' mum confides. 'Oh, so sad dear' says the other. And this is my second son Kahlid. He would be 21' 'Oh, I remember him' says the other happily. 'he had such curly hair when he was born.' 'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly. 'Oh, gracious me....' says the other. 'And this is my third son. my baby, my beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18.' she whispers. ' Yes' says the friend enthusiastically. 'I remember when he first started school' 'He's a martyr also,' says mum with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says.... 'They blow up so fast, don't they?:eek:

[loodvig]

Injustice


-- In 2003, televangelist Jim Bakker paid a $3.7 million settlement
for defrauding his followers. Lawyers got $2.5 million of it - and
each victim got $6.54.

-- In a 2003, settlement between Sears and customers with improperly
done wheel balancing. Lawyers got $2.45 million - and customers got
$2.50 per tire.

-- When a bank settled a lawsuit over improper interest charges,
the lawyers got $8.5 million. Each bank customer got less than $10,
and then had to pay the bank $91 to reimburse its court fees.

[wudwoker51]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family." "It was," sighed the sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" " Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, "You must tell me all about it!" "Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother--540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green. I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made...and it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted ...and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"
"Oh, my!"commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted the sister." "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would've even made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother!! sobbed the Sister. I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, a hawk swoops down out of the sky, grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So, that's when you cursed,?" said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either,: cried the Sister, "because the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

"You missed the F#@$ing putt, didn't you?!":eek:

[loodvig]

Sure Thing Bar Bet


Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television
when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to
jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the
first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself
off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The
same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said
the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't
think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

[loodvig]

A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason?
A billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to
hers. When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.

"I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded. "Couldn't you change
yours?"

The company refused, so she said, "Fine. From now on, I'm going to
tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full."

The company got a new number the next day.

[loodvig]

Grenades


Bubba and Clem find three hand grenades and decide to take them to
the police station.

"What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks Clem.

"Don't worry about it," says Bubba.

"We'll just lie and tell them we only found two."

[loodvig]

One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realized that it
was his daughter's birthday and -- shock -- he hadn't bought her
anything. Out of the corner of his eye he notices a shopping mall.
Knowing that it was 'now or never', he pulls his car through three
lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.

After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and
attracts the attention of the shop assistant. When asked what he'd
like, he simply says: "a Barbie Doll".

The shop assistant looks at him in a condescending manner and asks,
"So Sir, which Barbie would that be?"

The man looks surprised so the assistant continues, "We have Barbie
Goes To the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie
goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber
Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $249.99."

The man can't help himself and asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $249.99
when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99???"

"Well Sir, that's quite obvious!" says the assistant,

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....

[loodvig]

Headlines We've Seen & Loved


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

[Squizzy]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

"Hello."

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.

"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommends that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him??

[neil macgregor]

2 gold fish in a tank one says to the other how do you dive this thing

[loodvig]

An Old Nun Who Was Living In A Convent Next To A Brooklyn Construction Site Noticed The Coarse Language Of The Workers And Decided To Spend Some Time With Them To Correct Their Ways.
She Decided She Would Take Her Lunch, Sit With The Workers And Talk With Them. She Put Her Sandwich In A Brown Bag And Walked Over To The Spot Where The Men Were Eating.
She Walked Up To The Group And With A Big Smile Said: "do You Men Know Jesus Christ?" They Shook Their Heads And Looked At Each Other.
One Of The Workers Looked Up Into The Steelworks And Yelled, "anybody Up There Know Jesus Christ?"
One Of The Steelworkers Yelled Down 'why'?
The Worker Yelled Back, "his Wife's Here With His Lunch"

[wudwoker51]

This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turns 44. Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees...putting everything in her mouth. They grow up so fast, don't they?:D

[loodvig]

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates. He is very
> excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohamed.
> Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
>
> 'Are you Mohamed?' he asks.
>
> 'No, my son.. I am Peter. Mohamed is higher up.
>
> And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
>
>
> Delighted that Mohamed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the
> ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room
> where he meets another bearded man.
>
>
> He asks again, 'Are you Mohamed?
>
> 'No, I am Moses. Mohamed is higher still.
>
> Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he continues to climb the
> ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he
> meets another man with a beard.
>
>
> Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohamed?
>
>
> 'No, I am Jesus. You will find Mohamed higher up.
>
>
> Mohamed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight
> and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again, he reaches a larger
> room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
>
>
> 'Are you Mohamed?' he gasps, as he is, by now, totally out of breath
> from all his climbing.
>
>
> 'No, my son ... I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?'
>
>
> 'Yes, please, my Lord'
>
>
> God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
>
>
>
> 'Hey, Mohamed, two coffees!'

[loodvig]

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend

and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

decided to get married. There was only one

little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful

younger sister.


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

would regularly bend down when she was near

me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was

near anyone else.


One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to

come over to check the wedding invitations. She was

alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

overcome.... She told me that she wanted me just once

before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if

you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'


I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

and made a beeline straight to the front door. I

opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing

outside, all clapping!


With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our

little test. We couldn't ask for a better

man for our daughter. Welcome to the family..'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car

[Highplains Drifter]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill,
and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this
week."

The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open
his shop the next morning, there was a "thank you" card and a/ dozen
roses /waiting for him at his door.*

*
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week."/ /

The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber
went to open up, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen donuts waiting
for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, "I can not accept money from you, I'm
doing community service this week."

The Congressman was very
happy and left the shop.*

*The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friend, illustrates the fundamental
difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who
run it.*

[neil macgregor]

bougt the wife a new belt and bag for mothers day
and she's still fecking moaning



but on the other hand at least the vacume cleaner is working better

[loodvig]

$7 Sex


An Arizona couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's
office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an
elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the
couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong
with the way you have intercourse..' He thanks them for coming, he
wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to
watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This
happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has
intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry,
but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married;
so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my
house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do
it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost
of $7.


SHAME ON YOU FOR LAUGHING AT THAT...

[loodvig]

The Marines Invented Sex


A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which
was the superior service. After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well,
we had Iwo Jima.'

Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.

'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were
Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a
Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'

The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'

The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'

The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'

The argument continued until the Marine comes up with what he thinks
will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says......
'The Marines invented sex!'

The sailor replies, 'That is true, but it was the Navy who introduced
it to women.'

[Highplains Drifter]

A Jack Daniels Fish Story
I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass
bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed
him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I
grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its
mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without
incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake
with two frogs in his mouth.

Life is good!!:cool::cool:

[loodvig]

They Are Among Us


ONE

Recently, I went to McDonald's and saw on the menu that you could order
of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken Mc Nuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the young blonde at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)



TWO

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the
lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up
one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed
it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had
scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all
over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code,
she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her 'I've
changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'O K ,'
and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had
just happened.


THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive
and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was
doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking
for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy'

(keep shuddering!!)


FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you
need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced
the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.
Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have
a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm,
too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it
and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the
door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the
batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself!!!


FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she
was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of
typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photo copier',
the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining
blank piece of paper, put it on the photo copier and proceeded to make
five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!


SIX

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to
take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The
dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be
fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'


Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid...

[Highplains Drifter]

Redneck Hooker



A redneck was walking home late at night and saw a woman in the shadows.

''Twenty dollars' she whispers.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks



So they hide in the bushes.

They're 'engaged' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.

'I'm making love to my wife!,' Bubba answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know'

'Well, neither did I, 'til ya shined that light in her face! "

[loodvig]

Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,"

You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?



She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[loodvig]

Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a fourth time with the same result.

He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You just can't fix stupid.

[loodvig]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies

"There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results... He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .

The computer prints the following:


1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Walmart

[loodvig]

Fast Old Ladies


Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police
officer saw a car puttering along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself,
that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights
on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are
5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and
looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said,"Officer, I don't understand, I
wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than
the speed limit can also be dangerous".

"Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles
an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route
number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned,
thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am,
I have to ask, is everyone OK? These women seem badly shaken and
haven't uttered a word all this time"

"Oh! They will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off
Route 142."

[loodvig]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee
leaning against the wall outside an immigration office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama
and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the
United States with your wife and eight children."

The man told the fairy,"Well, where I come from we don't have good
teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! --
he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."

The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a
three car garage on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and
the rest of my relatives who are still in Mexico.

I want to bring them all over here" --- and -- PING ! -- in the
distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car
garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale
neighborhood overlooking the bay.

"One more wish", said the fairy, waving her wand.

"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American
clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead
of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans"
---and --- PING ! -- The man was transformed - wearing worn out
jeans, a New York Yankees T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his
bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed, "Where is my new house?"

The fairy said: "Tough s**t, Amigo, Now that you are a White
American, you have to fend for yourself." And she disappeared..

[loodvig]

An Israeli doctor says:
"Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says:
"That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says:
"In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them
both looking for work in two weeks."

A USA doctor, says:
"You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of ILLINOIS, put him in the White House and within SIX MONTHS, half the COUNTRY is looking for work."

[loodvig]

Peppermint


A farmer went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The
loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent the money, came by a week
later to see how the bull was doing. The farmer complained that
the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. Banker
Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.

Next week, Banker Bill returned to see if the vet had helped. The
farmer looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all of my cows!
He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbor's cows!

He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a
machine!"

"Wow," said Banker Bill, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked Banker Bill.

"I don't know, but they kind of taste like peppermint."

[loodvig]

Wrong Answer


I was out with family and friends at a local bar, and I really stuck
my foot in my mouth!

They had a contest going on at the bar *and of course we all joined in.
I was doing quite well, proud of being able to answer all the questions.

I lost out on winning the quiz by one point.

The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"

Apparently its Africa ..

[wtdoor67]

This big old country boy was perusing the help wanted ads. He saw one for a nearby circus. It said Lion Tamer needed, apply in person. He thought, what the hell, I was raised around animals. I'll give er a shot.

When he showed up the ring master said. There's only been 2 applicants. You and this good looking blonde. Let's go out and see what y'all can do. They approached the lion's cage. The ring master said. I guess it's ladies first, let's see what she can do. The door was opened and the girl stepped into the cage with the lion. She was wearing a long fur coat. With a roar the lion charged. The lady opened the coat and was completely nude. The lion ran up and began to lick her and purr.

Observing this the ring master looked at the country boy and said. Can you beat that? The country boy replied. You **** right. Just get that lion out of there.

[duckhunter]

Even after the recent Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I have noticed a large number of people implying with bad jokes that Cajuns aren't smart. I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody that would build a city 12 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats is a **** genius !!!!!

[tolex42]

On his death bed, Earl Woods gave Tiger the following words of wisdom------


"Focus on golf, and fxxk everything else!

[THE KID]

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big ****.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big ****, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big ****.

[T-Man]

John was in the egg business. He had several hundred hens, called ‘pullets’, and ten roosters to fertilize them. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This monitoring took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to the roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report just by listening to the bells.

John’s favorite rooster, Obama, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed Obama’s bell hadn’t rung at all. When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the bells, would run for cover.

To John’s amazement, Obama had thought of a way around the problem. He had his bell in his beak so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and move on to the next one.

John was so proud of Obama that he entered him in the State Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded Obama the No Bell Piece Prize, but also the highly-coveted Pullet Surprise.

Clearly Obama was a natural politician. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most prestigious awards on the planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.

Vote carefully this year. The bell is not always audible.

[Highplains Drifter]

Vaseline


A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and
was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her
feet. "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex," she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say
they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in
fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since
you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"




The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the
doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

[wtdoor67]

In Louisiana Mardi Gras is celebrated in the rural areas besides NO. In the rural swamp area lived 2 friends. Boudreaux and Swimpeaux. Going to a neighbor's party they put on they costume. Boudreaux decide to go in a horse constume and Swimpeaux decided to don a cow constume. Boudreaux say, since de nabor done live bout a 1/4 mile away, why done we jist promonade on over der on foot. Swimpeaux say sho man. Dey begin to walk in dey constume. Swimpeaux say, ami, why done we jist cut across dis pasture, make it less walk. Boudreaux say sho man. About de midle of dey pasture dey done see a hugh Brahma bull done hedded day way. Swimpeaux say. Bon ami, sacre bleu, what we gon done did? Boudreaux say. I done gone start grazing on dis grass here, I thin you better brace yo self.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Arizona done change they state motto. From hence forth it's gonna be "Adios Amigos."

[loodvig]

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping
Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador
Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full out on the back seat and I wanted to impress
upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward,
pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay.
Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blond young lady, gave me a
strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

[loodvig]

Retired


The other day, I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the
local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes,
and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a
break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity
annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and then wrote
out another ticket for having worn tires. So, I proceeded to call
him a 'doughnut-eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and
put it on the windshield with the first. Then, he wrote a third
ticket when I called him a moron in blue.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the
more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and
the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper
stickers that said, 'Obama in '08.'

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The
doctor tells me that it's important to my health.

[loodvig]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.....

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."



The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......



On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[Highplains Drifter]

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'
Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?'

[thrasher]

A Tough Old Cowboy From South Dakota, Counseled His Grandson That If He
Wanted To Live A Long Life, The Secret Was To Sprinkle A Pinch Of Gun
Powder On His Oatmeal Every Morning.

The Grandson Did This Religiously To The Age Of 103 When He Died.

He Left Behind 14 Children, 30 Grandchildren, 45 Great-grand-children,
25 Great-great-grandchildren, And A 15 Foot Hole Where The Crematorium Used To Be.

[Highplains Drifter]

A Tough Old Cowboy From South Dakota, Counseled His Grandson That If He
Wanted To Live A Long Life, The Secret Was To Sprinkle A Pinch Of Gun
Powder On His Oatmeal Every Morning.

The Grandson Did This Religiously To The Age Of 103 When He Died.

He Left Behind 14 Children, 30 Grandchildren, 45 Great-grand-children,
25 Great-great-grandchildren, And A 15 Foot Hole Where The Crematorium Used To Be.

Me being from there, this is funny.:D Thanks for sharing..

[loodvig]

Wrong Way


As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280
Interstate. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

[thrasher]

40 Things You Wish You Could Say At Work


1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a darn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a darn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it
36. Chaos, Panic, Disorder-my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

[loodvig]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right ? Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a Herd of sheep. . ."


"Now give me back my dog."

[Highplains Drifter]

A young blonde woman in Joliet, Illinois, was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the I&M canal. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the dock, crying.

He took pity on her and said, 'Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.

I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.'

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulders and added, 'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.'

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

'What are you doing here?' the captain asked.

'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' she explained.





'I get food and a trip to Europe , and he's screwing me.'

'He certainly is,' the captain said.

'This is the Empress Casino, and we never leave Joliet."

[wtdoor67]

A young chap showed up at a drugstore. The druggist was a boyhood friend of his. He said. Man, mix me up some Spanish Fly. His buddy the druggist said. That stuff is dangerous as hell. What do you want it for. The young chap said. I got a date tonight with 3 girls all at the same time. The druggist said. Okay, since you're my friend, but remember that stuff is very dangerous. He mixed up a potion, handed it to his friend and the young man left.

The next day the young chap showed up. The druggist said. How'd it go? The young chap said. Come here in the back and I'll show you something. He then unzipped his pants and exposed his member. It was skinned up and black and blue. The druggist said. Good grief. The young chap then said give me a jar of that Vicks salve. The druggist said. Man you can't put that on there. It'll set you on fire. The young chap said. No, no, it's for my elbow, the girls didn't show.

[wtdoor67]

The defendant stood with his attorney in front of the judge. The judge said. The charge against you is rape. How do you plead?

The defendant said. I plead insanity, your honor. The judge leaned forward from his desk and said. How in creation can you plead insanity?

The defendant said. Your honor, I'm just crazy about that stuff.

[wtdoor67]

Swimp showed up for his first grunt job. He and the foreman approached a pole where the Lineman was alone up the pole gloving some 7200 from the wood. Swimp watched closely as now and then a spark and buzzing would be heard. Swimp asked the foreman. Hey man, what kind of gloves that man handling that electric wire with? The foreman replied. Those are rubber gloves. Swimp exclaimed. ****! I wouldn't handle that stuff with iron gloves.

[Highplains Drifter]

NEED HELP, CALL JESUS
1-800-005-3787


Out of curiosity, I did...




A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

[Highplains Drifter]

Woman shot in the head



Linda Burnett, 23,
a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went
to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her
sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes
closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and
walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she
looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that
she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for
over an hour.


The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car
because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found
that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit
canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like
a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached
back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.
She initially passed out, but quickly recovered. (READ BELOW)





Linda is blonde, a Democrat and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.

[wtdoor67]

months after the election and you tea baggers are still whining. Help my time.

[T-Man]

,
and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the seniors would have access to showers,
hobbies,
and walks. They'd receive unlimited free
prescriptions, dental
and medical treatment , wheel chairs etc. and they'd
receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they
could be
helped instantly ,if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing
would be
ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes, and bring
their meals
and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits
in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room,
spiritual counseling, pool, and education.
Simple clothing , shoes, slippers, P.J.'s and legal aid
would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor
yard ,with gardens.
Each senior could have a P.C. a T.V. radio, and daily
phone calls.

There would be a board of directors , to hear
complaints, and the guards
would have a code of conduct, that would be strictly
adhered to.



The "criminals" would get cold food,

be left all alone, and unsupervised.
lights off at 8pm,

and showers once a week.

Live in a tiny room,

pay $5000.00 per month
and have no hope of ever getting out.

Justice for all.

[T-Man]

I can understand and to which I now can relate:

Question:
What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer:Princess Diana'death.

Question:How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel, riding in German car with a
Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on cottish whisky, (check the bottle before you
change the spelling), followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an Indian, using American Bill Gates'
technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled
by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported
by Pakistani truck drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by
Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.... ..

That, my friends,
is Globalization !

[loodvig]

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said....
'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines when I asked you to raise you trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, *****'

[wtdoor67]

A new seafood restaurant opened up. They thought they needed a mascot sorta similar to Ronald McDonald you know except they designated someone with a pirate type costume. After receiving several apps they interviewed some.

After about a dozen interviews they came to an old character with a patch over one eye, a peg leg and a hook for one missing forearm etc. Well they said you really look the part.

How'd you lose your leg? With a seafaring brogue the old sailor said. Ah lost it to a cannon ball in the Med. And your arm? they asked. Twas due to a cutlass in a fight in the North Sea. Wow! They said. And how about your eye? A bird **** in it, he replied. A bird? How so? Twas the next day after I got me hook the old seafarer replied.

[wtdoor67]

Twas Halloween. A small boy rang the doorbell and the homeowner opened the door to pass out the treats. The lad appeared and was dressed in a pirate costume. He had a slight speech impediment. The homeowner said. Well what are you dressed as? With a lisp the youngster replied. I'm a wirate. A what? A wirate. Oh, I see, you're a pirate. Yes, replied the lad.

If you're a pirate sonny, then where's your buccaneers? Upside my bucking head, replied the lad.

[loodvig]

They just stopped the oil leak. Simple fix worked awesome. They slid a wedding ring over it and it stopped putting out!

[T-Man]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush...."

[loodvig]

Mexican Maid



The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.


The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the

raise.


She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'



Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase.


The first is that I iron better than you.'


Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'


Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'


Wife: 'Oh.'


Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'


Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'


Maria: 'Jor husband did.'


Wife: 'Oh.'


Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'


Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'


Maria: 'No Señora... the gardener did.'


Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

[loodvig]

Q: Whats the difference between a wife and a hippopotamus?




A: One has a big mouth and a fat ass and the other one lives somewhere in Africa.

[Highplains Drifter]

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda ticked off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were green like the other toads.. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing. Anyway... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.

He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me green like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."


The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says, "Toadra-capokus! You're green!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother: "Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"

To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he also encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like all the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account that the hunters can spot me from a mile off."

She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says:"Bearus-cadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the his wang. They remain purple. He says: "My wang is still purple!"

She says: "I don't do wangs, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"

The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy... just follow the:







"Yellow**** Toad!"

[Highplains Drifter]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.


One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."


Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"


The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."


The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"


The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

[Highplains Drifter]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -'Is that one word or two?'

[loodvig]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always complaining about something.
> >
> > The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.
> >
> > He tried to plow a lot.
> >
> > One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.
> >
> > Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
> >
> > At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
> >
> > This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
> >
> > So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
> >
> > The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'
> >
> > 'And what about the men?' the minister asked.
> >
> > 'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

[Bigheadnc]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always complaining about something.
> >
> > The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.
> >
> > He tried to plow a lot.
> >
> > One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.
> >
> > Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
> >
> > At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
> >
> > This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
> >
> > So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
> >
> > The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'
> >
> > 'And what about the men?' the minister asked.
> >
> > 'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

:p ROFL :p

[wtdoor67]

The lady approached the priest on the steps of the church. "Father is Mass out?" "No". Replied the priest. "Your slip is showing though."

The old lady lived on the outskirts of town. She called the fire department to report her house on fire and wished for their help. The person on the fire department end said. How do we get to your house? The old lady replied. Well couldn't you come out in that red truck you drive?

In the horse and buggy days a young couple started on their honeymoon trip. After about a mile of driving the horse balked. The groom got out and beat the horse severely. Upon retaining his seat and clucking to the horse he said. That's once. A mile or so further on the horse balked again. The groom then pulled his pistol and killed the horse. The bride said. My goodness, you didn't have to kill him did you? The groom looked at her and said. That's once.

The man rented a camel. The rental man said, if you're not familiar with camels I'll check you out on him. Fine the customer said. First is to fill him with water the rental man said. He produced a large trough of water and the camel began to drink. When almost all the water was consumed the camel started to stop drinking with about another 10 gallons left to go. Quickly the rental guy clapped the camel's nuts between 2 bricks and the camel let out a moan and sucked up the rest of the water. The customer said. Geez, don't that hurt? Naw, the rental man said, just as long as you don't catch your fingers between the bricks.

The man and wife went to the doctor. The wife did most of the talking. Doc, she said, my husband's member is so long that it sometimes gets splinters in it dragging on the floor. Do you think you can remedy that? Sure the Doc said. As they exited the lady said. By the way how long is he gonna be on crutches? Crutches? The Doc said. What do you mean? The lady replied. Well you are gonna lengthen his legs aren't you?

The man went to the camel rental. Upon checking him out the rental man said. There's only one item I need to tell you about this camel. He has a habit of balking sometimes and there's only one way you can get him going. It's rather distasteful, but you have to dismount and masturbate him. If you like I can get you a different camel, but of course he is a cheap rental. Nah the man said. I can handle that. Putting his gear aboard, he mounts and heads out across the desert. Sure enough after about 3 hours into the desert the camel balks. Dismounting the guy steps in front of the camel and makes a masturbating motion. The camel nods his head and the guy accomodates him. Remounting they continue on their way. About 2 or three hrs. later he has to repeat the performance. Again steps in front, makes the motions and the camel nods. No problem. Afterwards remounts and continues on his way. After going many many miles across the burning sand the camel stops. The man dismounts and steps in front and makes the masturbating motion. This time the camel shakes his head in a negative motion. Well then, asks the fellow. What in hell do you want? Puckering his lips the camel makes a sucking sound.

Justin Wilson joke.
The country cajun and his wife always plowed the garden ever spring with their mule. The mule died. The following spring the wife began to complain about plowing the garden. The cajun said. Hon, I jist put on dem harness and pull dem plow and you handle the plow and lines. Upon beginning to pull the plow he took off across the field in a wild run. Finally the wife screamed. Are you crazy or something? The cajun replied. Don't you know how to holler whoa?

[loodvig]

WET NUTS......BY DON CHERRY

DON CHERRY of hockey night in canada, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.


HIS STATEMENT:
"If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will save just one Canadian life, then I have only three things to say:

'Red is positive, Black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet'." !!!

[loodvig]

GHOST SEX

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, ' How many people here believe in ghosts? '

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that ' s a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost? '

About 40 students raise their hands.

That ' s really good. I ' m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? '

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost? '

Three students raise their hands.

That ' s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost? '

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says ' Son, all the years I ' ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You ' ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience. '

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, ' So, Ahmed, tell us what it ' s like to have sex with a ghost? '

Ahmed replied, "Oh ****, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

[loodvig]

Redneck Computer Glossary


"Hard drive" - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires
and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

"Keyboard" - Place to hang your truck keys.

"Window" - Place in the truck to hang your guns.

"Modem" - How you got rid of your dandelions.

"ROM" - Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.

"Byte" - First word in a kiss-off phrase.

"Reboot" - What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard
stuff.

"Network" - Activity meant to provide bait for your trout line.

"Mouse" - Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to
get a free case.

"LAN" - To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."

"Cursor" - What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or
girlfriend.

"bit" - A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed
across the porch long ways."

"digital control" - What yore fingers do on the TV remote.

"packet" - What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

[loodvig]

Lessons from Noah's Ark


Plan ahead... It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do
something REALLY big.

Don't listen to critics- do what has to be done.

Build on high ground.

For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

Two heads are better than one.

Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board but...
so were the snails.

If you can't fight or flee---float!!

Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on Earth.

Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

When things get really deep, don't sit there and complain-- shovel!!!

Stay below deck during the storm.

Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built
by professionals.

If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than
the storm outside.

Don't miss the boat.

No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the horizon.

[wtdoor67]

The jolly woodpecker set out upon his morning rounds. He flew about a mile and pecked contentedly on a dead tree, devouring the grubs etc. He did this repeatedly until he was about 10 miles from his home nest.

Eventually as he sat pecking upon another tree, a bolt of lightening hit the tree and split it wide open. The woodpecker looked in amazement and commented. "Well that just shows you, the farther you get from home, the harder your pecker gets."

Another woodpecker perched while pecking on a tree. Another woodpecker flew by and said. What cha eating on bud? The first woodpecker answered. Taste like a nice piece of ash to me.

The 2 men were captured in the jungle by primitive natives. Out of a hundred native warriors only one could speak a little English. They tied up the 2 men and immediately began a pow wow. Eventually the one who spoke English came to them and said. We have 2 choices for your fate. Death or Bugga bugga. The first victim thought, hell anything is better than death. He replied. Bugga bugga for me. He was then stripped, laid over a log and each warrior had his way with him until he screamed for mercy. The horrified remaining captive could only watch. Finally the first man was left lying in agony. The English speaker came to the remaining captive and said. What is your choice, death or bugga bugga? The remaining captive thought of the humiliation and pain and without hesitation said. I prefer death. The warriors went into a big huddle and finally the English speaker came and translated. We have decided for you that you will have death by bugga bugga.

[Highplains Drifter]

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had
several hundred young laying hens,
called pullets, and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the
eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform
went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his
time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his
roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a
distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch
and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine
specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old
Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other
roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the
roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement,
old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up
on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the county
fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The
result? The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize
but they awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.


Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but
a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted
awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace
and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.




Vote carefully this year. The bells are not always audible.

[loodvig]

Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town.
That meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I
was dispatching repairmen right and left.

When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was
told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99."

The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in a truck,
not an envelope."

[Squizzy]

A bra and a set of jumper leads walk into a bar and order a beer.
"Can't serve either of you a drink." Says the barman
"Why not?" Says the bra.
"Because you are off your **** and mate looks like he might start something"

[duckhunter]

I bought a new Chevy Avalanche and returned to the dealer yesterday
because I couldn ' t get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

' Nelson, ' the salesman said to the radio.

The radio replied, ' Ricky or Willie? '

' Willie! ' he continued and ' On The Road Again ' came from the speakers.

Then he said, ' Ray Charles! ' , and in an instant' Georgia On My Mind ' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I ' d say, ' Beethoven, '
I ' d get beautiful classical music, and if I said, ' Beatles, ' I ' d get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him. I yelled, ' Ass Hole! '

Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States Barack Hussein Obama

**** I love this truck...

[duckhunter]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk
on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she
said
proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit
and
I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone
that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher…

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full
of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough
tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a
Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog ****!"

Then I would say,"It is dog ****. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the Democrats' approach of giving you something ****ty for
free, and then making you pay to get the ****ty taste out of your
mouth."

[T-Man]

TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES

Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.


The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week
and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?




The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
Next time take me to a vet!:eek:

[Bigheadnc]

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

[loodvig]

….the old farmer knocks on a door selling peaches…the door opens and it is a beautiful woman with a sheer negligee on…would you like to buy some peaches the farmer asks…she pulls her left strap down exposing her left breast asks are they as firm as this…the farmer gets a tear in his eye and says yes…she pulls her right strap down and asks are they as round as this…the farmer gets a tear in his other eye and says yes…she them pulls her negligee open in front and says are they as soft and furry as this…the farmer starts crying loudly and says yes…the woman looks at him and asks what is the matter sweetie why are you crying…..the farmer still crying says a tornado blew the roof off of my barn, bugs ate my soy beans, dry weather killed my corn, my tomatoes are ruined…and now I am going to get ****ed out of my peaches.

[loodvig]

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack
>and dies.
>
>He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
>
>"I don';t know what to do here," says the devil. "You
>are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay
>here, so I';ll tell you what I';m going to do. I';ve got a couple
>of folks here who weren';t quite as bad as you. I';ll let one of them
>go, but you have to take their place. I';ll even let YOU decide who leaves."
>
>OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to
>the first room.
>
>In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in,
>and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced
>with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
>
>"No," OJ said. "I don';t think so. I';m not a good
> swimmer, and I don';t think I could do that all day long."
>
>The devil led him to the door of the next room.
>
>In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All
>he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
>
>"No, this is no good; I';ve got this problem with my shoulder.
>I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,"
>commented OJ.
>
>The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying
>on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle
> pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
>
>
>OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
>man, I can handle this."
>
>The devil smiled and said . . . . .

(This is priceless...)

> "OK, Monica, you';re free to go."

[loodvig]

Popular Sayings, modified by the Internet


- Home is where you hang your @

- The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

- A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

- You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

- Great groups from little icons grow.

- Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

- C: is the root of all directories.

- Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

- Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

- The modem is the message.

- Too many clicks spoil the browse.

- The geek shall inherit the earth.

- A chat has nine lives.

- Don't byte off more than you can view.

- Fax is stranger than fiction.

- What boots up must come down.

- Windows will never cease.

- In Gates we trust.

- Virtual reality is its own reward.

- Modulation in all things.

- A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

- Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use
the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

- There's no place like http://www.home.com

- Know what to expect before you connect.

- Oh, what a tangled Web site we weave when first we practice.

[Highplains Drifter]

Two old drunk Lineman are sitting in a bar when the first one says,

"Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.

By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees, if I tried really hard.
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"


"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."

[Highplains Drifter]

A man is watching a game of golf on TV. But he keeps switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game", he says to his wife.

For Heaven's sake, watch them," his wife says.
"You already know how to play golf!"

[loodvig]

The Life of a Dog


8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!

9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!

10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!

11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!

12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!

1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!

4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!

5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!

5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!

6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

6:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!

~~~~~

The Life of a Cat


Day 283 Of My Captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the
mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of
furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while
they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the
stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I
once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try
this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to
make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear
into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good
little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed
in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and
smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was
due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to
use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.
The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He
is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an
informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my
every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his
safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

[Line_Man.]

Joke 1

There were three homeless midgets all sitting around grumbling one day. A newspaper flew up with the title "Guiness paying $500 for new world records!".

All three jumped at the idea of making $500!!

The first midget stood up and exclaimed I have the smallest hands in the world! Showing them to his two buddies they all agreed he must have the smallest hands in the world.

The second midget stood up and exclaimed I have the smallest feet in the world! Showing them to his two buddies they agreed he must have the smallest feet in the world!

The third midget had no clue what he could enter so he discussed it with his two buddies. They all agreed that they all have pretty small peckers so he dropped his pants and **** it was SMALL. After a few snickers they all agreed he HANDS DOWN had the SMALLEST pecker in the WORLD!!!

So all three went to the nearest office and entered one at a time.

The first midget went in and within 15 minutes came running out jumping up and down with $500 dollars in his hands. They all celebrated.

The second midget went in and within 30 minutes came running out with $500 dollars in his hands. They were over joyed at the money they were making.

The third midget, now really excited, ran into the office and within 10 min came walking out head down and pouting. Both buddies did not understand what happened and started asking all kinds of questions. After several questions the third midget raised his head looking VERY ANGRY and said I WANT TO KNOW ONE F&*CKING THING!!!! WHO THE HELL IS *insert your grunts name here*


Hope you enjoyed!! And if you don't have anyone good to pick on translate it into the three giants, make it the biggest and insert your name haha

--------------------------------------

Joke 2

There was a couple riding down a lonely rode on a very cold and frigid night. They spotted a skunk barely clinging to life in the cold and decided to pull over and help him out. The wife jumped out and put the skunk in the war with her. She asked her husband, "Where should I put him?". He responded, "Put him between your legs its always warm down there". She quickly asked, "Yeah but what should I do about the smell?". He said "Just hold its nose!"

[loodvig]

The day

before Chelsea's wedding Hillary asked her,
"have you had sex with

Marc yet?"

Chelsea said, "Not according to

Dad"

[loodvig]

A plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Iowa. Panic
stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the
farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear.
The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk
left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could
find no remains of anyone.

They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as
if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's
tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of
breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." the farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting
off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the
United States?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered.
"I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff shouted.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept
a-saying he wasn't... But you know how bad that sum***** lies."

~~~~~

Vasectomy


A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure
the nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all
of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to
lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of
her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him. Upon the
completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that
was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have
shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will
be more relaxed and that the vasec is easier for the surgeon to
locate and sever.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they
are going down the hall the patient sees six men in a room
masturbating. Curious, the man asks "What are they doing in there?"

The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have
Blue Cross and they have Obama Care."

[T-Man]

How's this for intelligence?



Great Orators

"One man with courage makes a majority." - Andrew Jackson

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." - Franklin D. Roosevelt

"The buck stops here." - Harry S. Truman

"Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country." - John F. Kennedy




And, from today's genius ' ...

"It depends what your definition of 'Sex' is?'' - Bill Clinton

"That Obama ... I would like to cut his NUTS off." - Jesse Jackson

"Those rumors are false ... I believe in the sanctity of marriage." - John Edwards

"I invented the Internet." - Al Gore

"The next Person that tells me I'm not religious, I'm going to shove my rosary beads up their ASS." - Joe Biden

" America is ... is no longer, uh, what it ... it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was ... uh, and I say to myself, 'uh, I don't want that future, uh, uh for my children." - Barack Obama

"I have campaigned in all 57 states." - Barack Obama (Quoted 2008)

"You don't need God anymore, you have us Democrats." - Nancy Pelosi (Quoted 2006)

"Paying taxes is voluntary." - Sen. Harry Reid

"Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he." - Hillary Clinton (Quoted 1998)

And the most recent gem of wisdom from the "Mother Moron":

"We just have to pass the Healthcare Bill to see what's in it." - Nancy Pelosi (Quoted March, 2010)



HOW LUCKY CAN WE BE - TO HAVE SUCH BRILLIANT MINDS IN CHARGE OF OUR ONCE GREAT COUNTRY?


''Life's tough ... it's even tougher if you're stupid.''

- John Wayne

[tolex42]

How's this for intelligence?



Great Orators

"One man with courage makes a majority." - Andrew Jackson

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." - Franklin D. Roosevelt

"The buck stops here." - Harry S. Truman

"Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country." - John F. Kennedy




And, from today's genius ' ...

"It depends what your definition of 'Sex' is?'' - Bill Clinton

"That Obama ... I would like to cut his NUTS off." - Jesse Jackson

"Those rumors are false ... I believe in the sanctity of marriage." - John Edwards

"I invented the Internet." - Al Gore

"The next Person that tells me I'm not religious, I'm going to shove my rosary beads up their ASS." - Joe Biden

" America is ... is no longer, uh, what it ... it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was ... uh, and I say to myself, 'uh, I don't want that future, uh, uh for my children." - Barack Obama

"I have campaigned in all 57 states." - Barack Obama (Quoted 2008)

"You don't need God anymore, you have us Democrats." - Nancy Pelosi (Quoted 2006)

"Paying taxes is voluntary." - Sen. Harry Reid

"Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he." - Hillary Clinton (Quoted 1998)

And the most recent gem of wisdom from the "Mother Moron":

"We just have to pass the Healthcare Bill to see what's in it." - Nancy Pelosi (Quoted March, 2010)



HOW LUCKY CAN WE BE - TO HAVE SUCH BRILLIANT MINDS IN CHARGE OF OUR ONCE GREAT COUNTRY?


''Life's tough ... it's even tougher if you're stupid.''

- John Wayne

When asked to name a Supreme Court decisions she disagreed with other than Roe versus Wade...."Well, let's see, there is of course in the great history of America there have been rulingsthat there's never going to be absolute consensus by every American, and there are those issues, again, like Roe versus Wade, where I believe are best held on a state level and addressed there. So, you know going through the history of America, there would be others. but ummmmmm."

And...."Oil and coal? Of course, it's a fungible commodity and they don't flag, you know, the molecules, where it's going and where it's not....So, I believe that what Congress is going to do, also, is not to allow the export bans to such a degree that it's Americans that get stuck holding the bag without the energy source that is produced here, pumped here"

Sarah Palin

[THE KID]

Drafting Guys over 60----this is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier-

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces think I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some ******* that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical S-of-a-B....

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim t o shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.


Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!

***How about recruiting Women over 50 ....with PMS!!! You think Men have attitudes!!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my....!!!

[Squizzy]

Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be
bothered to walk all the way home.'

'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the
last bus home.'

'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.

They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the
other keeps a look- out.

After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you
doing? Have you not found one yet?'

'I can't find a No. 91'

'Oh holy Mary, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the
roundabout.

[Squizzy]

An old prospector shuffled into town leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but.... I've always wanted to."



There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.

Don't waste ammunition.

Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

[tolex42]

I-90 will be closed tomorrow across South Dakota.They're hauling a 200 ton lump of coal so they can add Obama to Mount Rushmore, they couldn't find a 200ton piece of ****.

They could've found one in Crawford Texas!

[electriklady]

you are absolutely obsessed with your hatred of President Obama, you add some disrespectful slam to every post you make, in every thread.

Have you ever watched the show obsession? Where you cannot stop doing something due to irrational thinking? My kid is a therapist.....I can probably get you in.

:D:D to Tolex

[tolex42]

you are absolutely obsessed with your hatred of President Obama, you add some disrespectful slam to every post you make, in every thread.

Have you ever watched the show obsession? Where you cannot stop doing something due to irrational thinking? My kid is a therapist.....I can probably get you in.

:D:D to Tolex

Or could it be that he cannot accept that a black man doesn't know his place and had the gall to become president!!!!!

[electriklady]

I think there is a lot of that in this country:(

[loodvig]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit
by a truck and dies.

The Senator's soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the
entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

St. Peter says, "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.
What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven.
Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the
Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules", replies St.Peter.

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle
of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in
front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked
with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar
and champagne.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has
a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good
time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven," St Peter says.

So, 24 hours pass with the Senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and the 24 hours in heaven passes by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now which
will you choose for your eternity?" St Peter asks.

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers, "Well, I never
would have thought it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but
I think I would be happier and better off .. in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The Devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.


"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and
caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now
there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look
miserable. What happened?"

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning.. Today .. you voted."

[Highplains Drifter]

New use for Windex


I haven't checked ' Snopes.Com ' to see if this actually

Works or Not . . . But they say,


If you ever get the sudden URGE to run around naked,
You should sniff some Windex first.





It'll keep you from streaking.

[loodvig]

Barber and Kid


A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his
customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I
prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the
other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming
out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the
dollar, the game's over!"

[loodvig]

Class Reunion


Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School.
They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet
for lunch in a wine bar.

Rachel arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of
Pinot Grigio. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After
the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine.
Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans
and boots. She too shares the wine.


Rachel explains that after leaving high school and graduating from
Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has
a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's
leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue,
where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second
home in Phoenix.

Clare relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a
surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment
banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second
home in Naples, Florida .

Samantha explains that after she left school, at 17, she ran off with
her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in California and
grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side,
on his penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Rachel
blurts out that her husband is a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a
small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a
nearby storage facility.

Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains
that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They
live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Samantha says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

[Squizzy]

I've started an online business, selling home made explosive devices diguised as prayer mats. The money is great and prophets are going through the roof...

[loodvig]

Learning Numbers


The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.

"Yes," he said, "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three?"

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a fine job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack!"

[Squizzy]

Drink Driving...THIS is absolutely brilliant! Only an Aussie could pull this one off!


A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland. Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighborhood pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man Leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyzer equipment must be broken.."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

[Squizzy]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a local hospital. While the Tax Office agent was checking the
books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy
a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when
there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to
the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of
bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's
left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question . "We save it and send it back
to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free
package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all CEO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is save
all the little foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about
once a year they send us a complete prick."

[loodvig]

Boudreaux, an 80-year-old South Louisiana Cajun, goes to the doctor for
his every year check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape he is in and asks, "How you stay
in such great physical condition, Boudreaux?"

"I stay in the swamp and I hunt and fish every day" says the old Cajun,
and, that's why I'm in such good shape. "I'm up well before daylight and out
hunting or fishing all day. I have a beer for breakfast and at lunch and wid my
supper. And I have a shot of houch before bed time. And I say my prayers every
night. And all is well wid me"

"Well", says the doctor, "I'm sure dem prayers helps, but there's got to
be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"

"Who said Pop is dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your father's
still alive? How old he is?"

"Pop be 100 next month," say Boudreaux. "In fact, he hunted with me this
morning, and then we went to a "beer joint" for a while and had a few
beers and that's why he's still alive. He's a tough Cajun man and he hunts and
fishes every day, too.

"Well, the doctor says, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it
than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my Paw Paw's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old, your father is
100 and your grandfather's still living? Incredible! How old he is?"

"We tink 'bout 118." says the old Cajun. He likes his beer too, but he
won't touch the hard stuff."

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess your
grandfather went hunting and fishing with you'll this morning too?"

"No, Paw Paw couldn't go this time. He's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married! Why
would a 118-year-old man want to get married?"

Boudreaux looked down at the floor and mumbled..... "Who said he wanted to?"

[Squizzy]

There is a move afoot to counter the mosque that might be built a hundred yards from Ground Zero by opening a gay bar next to it that caters to Muslims. One act of tolerance deserves another, right? Among the names suggested have been:

Turban Cowboys

Suspicious Packages

Submission

Outfidels

Brokeback Mecca

Très Sheik

Infidelicious

Shake your Shi'a

The Camel's Hump

Allah's Closet

The Pink Crescent

The Queeran

JiHot!

The Sphinx's Sphincter

Ram-a-Dan

Turbinatrix

Lady Agha

Al-Gay-Da

Religion of Piece

Allah Cock Bar

Yassir That's My Booty

I-Slam

Homohammed's

The Ba'ath House

House of Saudomy

The Circle Turk

You Mecca Me Hot

The Lonesome Camel

Mecca and My Weena

We Put the Ass in Madrassa

Sandjobs

Osama's Been Ridden

The Holy City of Me-Cum

I Dream of Weenie

Talibuns

Ground Queero

[T-Man]

Ole walks into Sven's barn and catches him doing a sexy striptease to a large red piece of machinery.

Ole says "what da heck are ya doing Sven?"

Sven replies, "Vell, Ole, me an dah misses haven't been gettin it on lately and dat dere therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."
:eek:

[loodvig]

A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the
store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady
asks, "What in the world is that?"

"Beef tongue," replies the butcher!

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put
anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's
shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!"

[Highplains Drifter]

Ole walks into Sven's barn and catches him doing a sexy striptease to a large red piece of machinery.





Ole says "what da heck are ya doing Sven?"





Sven replies, "Vell, Ole, me an dah misses haven't been gettin it on lately and dat dere therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

[wtdoor67]

Swede came home to Minnesota as a big war hero. He'd been a great fighter pilot in Europe. The town turned out and there was speech making etc. Swede was encouraged to tell of some of his exploits. He related. Vee were flying at 15 thousand feet and I looked to my right and there was a focker and I looked to my left and there was another focker. Someone in the crowd yelled. The Krouts were flying Fockers, huh Swede? Oh no Swede replied. Day ver flying Messerschmitts.

Swede came to work one day. (Different Swede). He said to his coworkers. Man, dere is lots o geese on de river. How many geese someone asked? Swede said. Oh dere were thousands and thousands, at least five hundred.

Swede says. Vell tomorrow is my wife's birthday and I don't know what to get her. I tink she vants a vatch. Someone said. Swede just give her a nice Gruen. Swede replied. Yah, I tried that already, but she still vants a vatch.

[loodvig]

USMC Physical


When his son refused to get a job, his father insisted he joins the U.S.
Marine Corps.

At the physical, the Doctor directed the reluctant recruit to read the eye
chart across the room.

"What chart doc?" The young man asked.

"The one on the wall!" The doctor said.

"What wall?" said the young man.

Sensing he had a deadbeat on his hands, and wanting to fill the quota, the
doctor asked his nurse to strip down and walk into the exam room naked.

"Now what do you see son?"

"Doc, I can't see a thing, I'm as blind as a bat."

"Well, you may not see anything," the doctor said, "but your **** is
pointing straight towards Parris Island. Welcome to the U.S.Marine
Corps, Next."

[loodvig]

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his
deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and
sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter.
The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden
the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then
flew off. Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what
the heck was that?'

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything
sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It....it was only a
bug, Honey.'

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a
moment said.. 'Sure had a big one, didn't it?'

~~~~~

Street Name


"I'd like the number for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the
young man said to the 411 operator.

"There are multiple listings for Jennifer Smith in Richmond,
Virginia," the operator said. "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated a moment, "Well, uh, most people call me
Bubba."

[Highplains Drifter]

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will
be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"


Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the
mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be
extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"


Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't
have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."


"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

[BigClive]

I've just started selling landmines shaped like prayer mats. The prophets are going through the roof.

[Senko11]

This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said,
"Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare." So I explained to her that my dogs
are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging
clue who their Daddy's are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with
housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes
to qualify. My dogs get their first checks Friday.

****, this is a great country!

[loodvig]

Dumb Instructions


"Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.

"Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring
to the styrofoam packing.

"Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." --
On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings
which one would assume were handholds.

"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a
brand of sleeping pills.

"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the
metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.

"Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the
instructions for an electric thermometer.

"Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the
packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting
teeth on the chain.

"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10
inch inflatable picture frame.

"Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.

"Please remove before driving." -- On the back of a cardboard
windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when
parked).

"Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit
Roll-Up snack.

"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.

"For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.

"Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for
a cordless phone.

"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in
pants." -- On the packaging for a wris****ch.

"Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.

[Squizzy]

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming
For sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for
Fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled
Voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . Easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay,
William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in
There, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart,
And Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax
Buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading
His groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you
Were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you
Kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you
Just calmly kept saying things would be okay William is very lucky to
Have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . The little
*******'s' name is Steve."

[loodvig]

A cabbie picks up a Nun in San Francisco .. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.






She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'






She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'










'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'






She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'










The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'













'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'












The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.












But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.












'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'






'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'











The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.

[loodvig]

The Arrogance of Authority


DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old
rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch
for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but don't
go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the
authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into
his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays
it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am
allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions
asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you
understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees
the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's
big Santa Gertrude's bull......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer,
and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches
safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws
down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his
lungs... "Your badge. Show him your BADGE!"

[thrasher]

Don't know if it was true or not as I had no intention of testing it.
A fence had a handwritten sign on it "DO NOT ENTER unless you can run across and clear the other fence in 8 seconds. The bull takes 9 seconds". BTW there was a large Brahma Bull in the field staring at me as I stood at the fence.

[Pootnaigle]

Fellow was walking past an insane asylum when he heard someone on the other side of the wall repeating the word 12 12 12 12....... this peaked his curiosity and he saw a knothole in the fence so he placed his eye up close to get a look inside. Almost instantly he received a poke in the eye .... followed by 13 13 13 13

[Senko11]

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said.
'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied,
'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.
'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.

[Highplains Drifter]

Details Of Obama Openly Gay Military Released




WASHINGTON (SR) - President Barack Obama has directed the Pentagon to replace the "don't ask, don't tell" policy with one that will allow openly gay men and women to serve in the military. Defense Secretary Robert Gates and the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Admiral Mike Mullen, will present details of the plan to U.S. lawmakers next Tuesday.

According to sources inside the Pentagon, changes to be implemented include adding choreography to marching regimens, equipping all dorms with double-wide bunks, new fitted uniforms in seasonal color palettes, the installation of hot tubs, and more.

In a potentially controversial move, the Pentagon will announce the formation of a new all-gay, all male company named the "Fighting 69th Sodomites." Sources credit the creation of the 69th to House member Barney Frank, who has reportedly been working "very, very closely" with gay Pentagon officials.




...................2836



...............THEIR MOTTO IS: NEVER LEAVE YOUR BUDDY'S BEHIND!

[Squizzy]

This just HAS to go in the "joke" thread.....

Only in Congress is such "wisdom" displayed!

This is sheer genius



In a bid to stem taxpayer losses for bad loans guaranteed by
federal housing agencies Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac, Senator Bob Corker (R-Tenn.) proposed that borrowers be required to make a 5% down payment in order to qualify. His proposal was rejected 57-42 on a party-line vote because, as Senator Chris Dodd (D-Conn.) explained,








"passage of such a requirement would restrict home
ownership to only those who can afford it."I can't add anything to this.

Geez I thought some of our politicians were stupid lol...

[loodvig]

Night Football


An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying there a few minutes, the old man farts and says, "Seven points."

His wife rolls over and says "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied," It's fart football."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After five minutes the old man farts again and says, Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 - 7."

Not to be outdone the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 - 14."

Now the pressure is on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."

[loodvig]

The Aisle Seat


Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat
and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and
was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get
up and get a coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get
it for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and
spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab
said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine
obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe
and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and
enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes
and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked
his Arab neighbors, 'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This
hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'

THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.

[loodvig]

Senior Life


When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I
ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays
music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and
Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so
my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids
could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle
something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter,
Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck,
Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and
every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of
everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I
am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in
my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get
lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I
keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red]
phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was
standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and
everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my
hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady
inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into
in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say,
"Re-calc-ul-ating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was
like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh
and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a
right turn instead…well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of
the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone
as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the
cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I
still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and
have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms
and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up
every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could
settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?"
every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of
those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never
remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I
just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their
turn to stare at me with a blank look.

I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a
lot."

[loodvig]

A Trip To The Zoo


A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing
a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.. He was wearing
his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit,
They passed in front of a large, silverblack gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and
holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his
chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty
lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by
puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the
gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show
a little more skin.

She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage,
flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell him you have a headache."

[loodvig]

The Cannibal

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon
a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling

somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

+Tourist: $5.00
+Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+Fried Explorer: $15.00
+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of S#!T, it takes all morning."

[T-Man]

The New Element....
The densest element yet known to science has been discovered. The new element has been named 'Obamacronium'.
Obamacronium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 911.
These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.




The symbol for 'Obamacronium' is "O."
Obamacronium's mass actually increases over time, as these morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons in a Obamacronium molecule, forming a large cluster of idiotopes.
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Obamacronium is formed whenever morons reach a critical mass also known as "Critical Morass."
When catalyzed with money, Obamacronium activates CNNnewsium, an element radiating several orders of magnitude more energy, mostly as incoherent noise, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

[T-Man]

Remember, when Ronald Reagan was President
We also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash still with us...


Now we have Obama, but no Hope and no Cash! :(

[loodvig]

The Frying Pan


Peter invites his Mom for breakfast. She notices his room mate Joe is slightly over friendly
and although she suspected Peter is gay, he denies that anything is going on and says that
they are only room mates and nothing more.

A week later Joe says to Peter, "Ever since your mom came to breakfast, I can't find the
frying pan."

Peter emails his Mom and says. "Dear Mom, I'm not saying that you DID borrow the frying
pan, and I'm not saying you DID NOT borrow the frying pan, but its been missing ever since
you came for breakfast.

Love Peter."

His Mom replies. "Dear son, I'm not saying you DO sleep with Joe and I'm not saying you
DO NOT sleep with Joe, but if he was sleeping in his own bed he would have found the
frying pan by now.

Love mom

[loodvig]

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).

If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My - Sorry, Gas.
ROTFL - ACGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

[T-Man]

Ollie and his brother Sven were working for the city. One would dig a hole, he would dig, dig, dig, the other would come behind him and fill the hole, fill, fill, fill. These two brothers worked furiously. One digging a hole, the other filling it up again. A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he just had to ask them. He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are
you doing? You dig a hole and your brother comes behind you and fills it up again!" Ollie replied, "Oh yeah, must look kinda funny, but Al, the guy who plants the trees, is sick today." :p

[neil macgregor]

got my wife a false leg for xmas .
its not her main present
just a stocking filler

[loodvig]

As a jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot
was providing his passengers with a running commentary about
landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater,
which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It
was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet
in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth
50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering
white hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole
measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

The lady sitting next to me exclaimed: "Wow, look! It just
missed the highway!"

[Pootnaigle]

A Sad Passing

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota . Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half- baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[T-Man]

That was Flakey hope you feel Butter now. . .:p


A Sad Passing

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota . Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half- baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[loodvig]

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning



To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be Upset----I shall be home before midnight.*




When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table.

To My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.


As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

[loodvig]

Two Senior Widows


Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you
went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him
before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at
7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me
such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there
but a luxury car... A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and All.

Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster,
champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show.
Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died
from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way
with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go
out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

[loodvig]

Holistic Medicine

Muhammad the Pakistani came over from Pakistan and he was only here a few months when he became very ill.

He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said: 'Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, crap in de bucket, pee on de crap, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Muhammad took the bucket, went into the other room, crapped in the bucket, peed on the crap, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?'


The doctor said .... 'You were homesick'.

[loodvig]

Older Guys Are Very Helpful


I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with
a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I
guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look
like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair,
big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts,
a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that.

[loodvig]

Her Diary - His Diary


Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends
all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit
late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I
suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but
he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I
asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't
upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and
kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't
say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him
completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat
there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and
absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded
to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was
distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I
cried.. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts
are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


His Diary:

Snow blower wouldn't start, can't figure it out, at least I got laid.

[T-Man]

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.

I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife.
I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her around midnight,
I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls.

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my TaylorMade 460 driver.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the PGA Superstore?:rolleyes:

Concerned Golfer

[Boomer gone soft]

The survey crew came down from St. Paul to visit Ole and Lena's Farm. During the survey a blizzard came in from South Dakota and made conditions absolutely miserable. Ole invited the crew up to the house for some of Lena's famous hotdish and to get out of the weather for lunch. Following the meal the crew foreman spoke up, "Ole, you have been so kind to us that we just got to give ya the bad news in person rather than a letter." Ole with concern asked what he was talking about. The foreman went on, "It turns out your farm isn't in Minnesota after all....it's actually in Iowa!" "That's the best news we've had in a good long while!" exclaimed Ole. Seeing the wonder in the foreman's face, Ole explained, "Lena and I were just discussing things over breakfast this morning and I told her I didn't think I could take another Winter in Minnesota!"

Don'tcha know?:D

[T-Man]

>
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> A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the
> three of them.
>
> The Cow: I give 50 liters of milk every day and that's why I am the
> greatest!!
>
> The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my
> own weight
>
> and that's why I am the greatest!
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> Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something... :D


LA/EL this is a guy thing sorry. . . .I left yous out;)
>

[Highplains Drifter]

Funny.... (http://www.powerlineman.com/lforum/member.php?u=11)......http://bestsmileys.com/lol/15.gif

[loodvig]

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those “feelings”again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, “Take the dog for a walk.”

[T-Man]

He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dopping below zero and the north wind is increasing. His wife has dne nothing but look through the kitchen window all day. He says tat if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
:p

[Boomer gone soft]

He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dopping below zero and the north wind is increasing. His wife has dne nothing but look through the kitchen window all day. He says tat if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
:p

I love it! Thanks, T-Man!

[Boomer gone soft]

Two Minnesotans, Ole and Sven, vere adrift in a lifeboat. Vile rummaging true da boat's provisions, Ole stumbled cross an old lamp. He
rubbed da lamp vigorously and a genie came fort.

Dis genie, however, stated dat he could only deliver vun vish, not the
standard tree. Ole immediately blurted out, 'Turn da entire ocean into
Schmidt beer.' Da genie clapped his hands wit a deafening crash, and
immediately da sea turned into Schmidt beer and da genie vanished.

Only da yentle lapping of beer on da hull broke da stillness as da two
men considered dare circumstances.

Sven looked disgustedly at Ole whose vish had been granted. After a
long, tension-filled moment Sven said, 'Nice goin Ole! ........Now ve're
goin to haf to pee in da boat!"

Dare's a problem.....ya.....sure....you betcha!

[loodvig]

This is pathetic, but darn funny when you think about it for a second.

Two magazines, Country Living (95.99% white readership) and Ebony /Jet (99.99% black

readership) did surveys on....

"WHAT DO PEOPLE FEAR MOST?"
The results were interesting, to say the least....

Country Living magazine's top three answers were:
1. Nuclear war/terrorist attack in U.S
2. Child/spouse dying
3. Terminal illness

Ebony / Jet magazine's top three answers were:
1. Ghosts
2. Dogs
3. Registered mail

No Kidding... And these are the people who put Obama over the top; what would you expect?

AND TO GO ALONG WITH ALL OF THIS, I'LL SHARE TWO QUOTES; ONE PITIFUL AND ONE GREAT!

"My friends, we live in the greatest nation in the history of the world. I hope you'll join

with me, as we change it."-- Barack Obama


"Life's tough, pilgrim, and it's even tougher if you're stupid." John Wayne

[loodvig]

Politically incorrect jokes

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do
women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa

One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells.
It appears that Nigerians and Jamaicans is not the correct answer

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod
after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Toronto but I've been banned
from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive
slowly past schools

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a
moustache"

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on FaceBook.
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive !" Next thing I know 4000
Muslims have added me as a friend !!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to
the lady at the registration desk ...
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick *******.”

The red cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards
the floods in Pakistan , I said we would love to, but our hose only reaches
to the bottom of the garden.

[loodvig]

THE HISTORY OF PROFILING

The day it all started was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.

These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving toward them.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said: "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

[Pootnaigle]

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.



I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm
doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

[loodvig]

The Tunnel


Sitting together on a train was Obama, a Cajun from Cut Off, a little
old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is
the sound of a loud slap.. When the train emerges from the tunnel,
Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled
the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks:
The Cajun must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap
him but missed and got me instead.

The Cajun thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap the s**t out of
Obama again.

[loodvig]

Phone Call


A young boy answers the phone.

A man says, "Hello is your dad around?"

The boy whispers, "Yes."

The man then asks if he can talk to him.

"He's busy at the moment," the boy whispers.

"Then is your mom there?"

"Yes" the boy whispers.

"Can I talk to her?"

"No, she's busy," the boy whispers.

"Is there anyone else there?"

"Yes" whispered the boy.

"Who?" the man asked.

"A policeman," came the whispered reply.

"Well, can I talk to him?"

"He's busy too," the boy whispered.

"Is there anyone else there then?"

"Yes" whispered the boy.

"Who then?" the man asked.

"A fireman," the boy whispered.

"Can I talk to him?"

"No," the boy whispered, "he's busy."

Annoyed, the man asked what they were all doing.

"Looking for me." the boy whispered.

[loodvig]

The Texas State Police are cracking down on speeders heading into Dallas .
For the first offense, they give you 2 Dallas Cowboy tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Dallas Cowboys

Q. What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q. How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.

Q. What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring?
A. Old

Q. What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody remembers.

Q. What do the Cowboys and a possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

[Squizzy]

The Psychiatrist and Proctologist

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office
In a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysteria's and Posteriors."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors
changed it to read, "Schizoids and Haemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the Council,
they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonic's." No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentive's."

Thumbs down Again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."

Unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts?" No way.

"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:

"Dr.. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it.

[T-Man]

A DC 'airport ticket agent' offers some examples of 'WHY' our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ..''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa .''

His response -- click..

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas .. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas... When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10 Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11 Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12 A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!

Could ANYONE be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

[T-Man]

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.


Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket .

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

:eek:

[loodvig]

Mexican Delicacy


A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming
around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious
looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it
look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are
called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this
morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry Senor, there is only one
serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.
If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save
you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that
evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter
and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller
than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Yes, Senor,
sometimes the bull wins.'

~~~~~

Parachutes


An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board,
but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one.
The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first
parachute and left the plane.

The second passenger, Nancy Pelosi said, "I am the Speaker of the
House. And I am the smartest woman in American history, so
America's people don't want me to die." She took the second
parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator and a
decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America."
So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.

The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the
fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full
life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my
life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a
parachute left for you. America 's smartest woman took my
schoolbag."

[Pootnaigle]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I'm glad to see you've regained consciousness. You probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it".

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.

They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch".

The man perks up.

"So", the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.
I understand that you've been married for over forty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher
before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now,
she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision".

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day and asks, "So, have you spoken with your wife"?

"Yes I have", says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision"?

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision"? asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops"

[Highplains Drifter]

Italian Virginity Test Kit

Mario is planning to be married and he asks his family doctor how



he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things



for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit. A small can of



red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Mario asks, "And what do I do with these things, doc?"

The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding



night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.



If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen' you



hit her with the shovel."

[loodvig]

Traffic Court


A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for
a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited
hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the
judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day
and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared,
"Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented.
"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two
more words."

[loodvig]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was
moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him
his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.
Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a
year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would
perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it
seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death,
he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by
year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the
princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester.
He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory
answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she
would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout
the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but
to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he
would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of
the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous,
had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises,
etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all
his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a
terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke
with Arthur

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's
life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's
question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge
of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had
uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his
freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself
for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a
sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen
lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what
had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when
she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible
deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the
other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful
woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy
of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a
hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman
for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below
BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.



OKAY?





Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice
herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful
all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be
in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?



Scroll down










The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her way....
Things are going to get ugly!

[loodvig]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl
about to jump off a bridge so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?

"So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss."

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have
ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous.

Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[Highplains Drifter]

IRISH SAUSAGES

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two

but didn't have a lot of money between them,

they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and

came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy?

Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'


He went into the pub where he immediately

ordered two pints of Guinness and two

glasses of Jamieson Whisky.


Shamus said 'Now you've lost it.

Do you know how much trouble we will be in?

We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile.

'Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks.

Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage

through my zipper and you go on your knees

and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk,

and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting

more and drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy -

I don't think I can do any more of this.

I'm drunk and my knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel?

I can't even remember

which pub I lost the sausage in.'

[Boomer gone soft]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?""Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."

Don't make me 'splain this to you!:D

[Boomer gone soft]

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then - just to loosen up and be a part of the crowd.

Inevitably, though, one thought led to another and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my husband about the meaning of life. He spent that night at his brother's.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius, Camus and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly that we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," he said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," he said, his lower lip aquiver.

"You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a fallacious syllogism," I said impatiently.

He exploded in rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some John Locke. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors.

They didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe a Higher Power was looking out for me that night..

Leaning on the unfeeling glass and whimpering for Emerson, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.


Stop before it’s too late for you.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.

This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.

I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.


Today I took the final step... I joined the Democratic Party

Confusing "thinking" with "listening to talk radio" again?:p

BTW, did you and your husband end up working things out?

[T-Man]

This is the best one yet: As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: 'What in the world are you doing?' The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.' The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.' A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip,placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?' The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.' __._,_.___

[duckhunter]

The Maine Department of government offices claimed a small blueberry farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

ME Govt. employee: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

Farmer: Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

ME. Govt. employee: That's the guy I want to talk to...the mentally challenged one.

Farmer: That would be me.

[loodvig]

Replacement Windows


Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
Double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
Contractor who installed them.

He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and
I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,........... Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
Automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales
Guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
Themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just
Hung up.

He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

[T-Man]

Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew.

This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Detroit youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Detroit were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits. However, Gordon got more than he bargained for.
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Budweiser, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

[loodvig]

Supper


This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass
during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out
and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the
air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she
scolded him. "I can't believe you're aking me about supper right
now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out
yourself."

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with
potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up
and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

[Highplains Drifter]

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?' The little boy nodded 'yes'.

'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?' The little boy nodded 'yes' again.

He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass' is it?' The little boy shook his head 'NO'.

'GOOD', said the coach.

Now go over there and explain that to your Grandmother!

[loodvig]

IDIOT SIGHTING
I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please"

She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....



IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS

IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.



IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.



IDIOT SIGHTING
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office
to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

From Kingman, KS


IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had ice-burg lettuce.
- From Kansas City


IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.



IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS


IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,'
our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.


IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.



IDIOT SIGHTING
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

[duckhunter]

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
What are you doing? he asks.
I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked.
Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had.
That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous Why are you committing suicide?"

My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......

[loodvig]

There was a knock on the door this morning
I opened it and there was a young man standing there who said:

"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

I said "Come in and sit down. Now what do you want to talk about"?

He said, "**** if I know, I've never got this far before"

[loodvig]

Bumper Stickers


WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots....I married their king.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

[loodvig]

An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah)
in a nursing home. All the Arabic facilities were completely full so
they had to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

“How do you like it here?” asks the grandson.

“It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,” says
grandpa.

“We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong
place for you. You know, since you are a little different from
everyone.”

“Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the
residents", Abdullah says with a big smile. “There's a musician here
he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and
everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!”

“There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on
the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'”

“There's a dentist here 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for
25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor!”

“And me - I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me
'The F***ing Arab'."

[Highplains Drifter]

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life. A huge heart --- covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...







I'm a proctologist.

[tolex42]

A unionized public employee, a member of the Tea Party, and a CEO are sitting at a table. In the middle of the table there is a plate with a dozen cookies on it. The CEO reaches across and takes 11 cookies looks at the Tea Partier and says,"look out for that union guy, he wants a piece of your cookie."

[loodvig]

A big city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by
an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section
through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid
the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in
the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and
tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best
selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he
was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young
lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the
rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one
over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was
asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through
your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand.
I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a
little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned
bull came home this morning."

[Bigheadnc]

A Lantana redneck with a live well full of live Lobster was approached recently by a FWC warden at the Boynton boat launch as he started to drive his boat away from a ramp.

The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"

"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers.
These here are my pet lobsters."

"Pet lobsters??"

"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here lobster o'mine down to the ramp and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they walk right back into my net and I take 'em home."

"What a line of horse ****.you're under arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"

"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"

The redneck released the lobster into the intra coastal and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The Lobster," replied the warden!

"Whut Lobster?" asked the redneck.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

[Boomer gone soft]

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

[/SIZE][/FONT]

People generally don't get stronger as they age.....

just saying......

We're a little tougher up here.;)

[loodvig]

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh... send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf mute gymnast nymphomaniac
with big **** who owns a bar on a golf course,
and love to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[loodvig]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of
Fundy, Nova Scotia, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties.

"We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife,"
said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news..

Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said

"Give me the bad news first."

The second Mountie said,

"I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body
in the bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's
the good news?"

The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five
pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the
great news???"

The Mountie answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow.

[loose neutral]

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded that it was so. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it.

No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!

[loose neutral]

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a fancy solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think " he said, "when I am president, I could have a gold urinal too. But I wouldn't do something that self-centered!"

Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That night, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill, "Guess what?, I found out who pissed in your saxophone.

[duckhunter]

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while one
looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to
you, that you're from Ireland.

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?

The other woman answers, 'I'm from St.John's, I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I! And what street did you live on?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area it was in the west end. I
lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of
course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me,what
year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub
tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in
1964 me self.

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down and orders a
beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael, shaking his head and
mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian ?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

[duckhunter]

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,

he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him.I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know.. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.

[T-Man]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts
and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several
dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you,
one for me...'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just
around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan
and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When
the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

"one for you, one for me"

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see
if we can see the Lord...?

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get
those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...?

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on
the bike passed him.

[loodvig]

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether
or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a
teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because
it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?"

[T-Man]

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is
4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England and English
expatriates designed the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built
the pre-railroad tramways and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and
tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel
spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would
break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because
that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe
(including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used
ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had
to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in
the matter of wheel spacing.

Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches
is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
Bureaucracies live forever.

The next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process
and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be
exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just
wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses.
(Two horses' butts.)

Now - the twist to the story:

A Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad has two big booster
rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are
solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are made by Thiokol
at a factory in Utah.

Engineers who designed the SRB's would have preferred to make them
a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run
through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB's had to fit through that
tunnel.

The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system, was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass!

AND YOU THOUGHT BEING a horse's ass wasn't important!

Ancient horse's asses control almost everything.

CURRENT Horses Asses in Washington are controlling
everything else. :eek:

[loodvig]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.


The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."


The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"


The man replies, "My wife."

[loodvig]

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as
her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next
hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to
apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I
know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.'

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he
finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid
them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments
and asked, 'How does that feel'?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

[loodvig]

A Stuttering Cat as explained by a grade 4 student......

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
Human beings are the only animals that stutter, she says.
A little girl raises her hand.
I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident..
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty, and
the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start,
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.
'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"but before she could say '****!,' the Rottweiler ate her.

The teacher had to leave the room.

[juozapasnanda]

Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone.

[duckhunter]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit, is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles, and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first, and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the Father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the IRS.'

[Highplains Drifter]

GOLF PANTIES




The Norskie's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.



'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.



Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'



The Norkski immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'




Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.



'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'



She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'



Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'




Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.



'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'



She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'




The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....



Tidy yerself up a bit.

[loodvig]

Pull, Buddy


An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.
Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse,
named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull,
Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse
easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the
farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only
one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

[loodvig]

Eulogy


The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the
country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased,
what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father
he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children,
"Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."

[wudwoker51]

An older gentleman was trying to fly a kite and every time the kite would start to get off the ground it would circle wildly and fall to the ground. After numerous attempts he hears his wife call out of the kitchen window " You need a piece of tail, Henry" to which he replied " I tried that last night and you told me to GO FLY A KITE":D

[duckhunter]

My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
"Grandpa."
The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big ****."

[duckhunter]

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[loodvig]

The Blue Pigeon.

The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix .

He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop, the people of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads.

It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came
to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.

'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions.
Or, you can pay me one million dollars to ask one question.'

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky.

All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall.

The Mayor was very impressed.. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing,the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.







The mayor asked:





'Do you have a blue Mexican?'
* * * * * * * * * * *

[loodvig]

The Best Gunfighter


Morris, as a young man in the Old West, wanted to be the best gunfighter
alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man
who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. So
Morris walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man
looked him up and down and said, "I have a suggestion that is sure to
help."

"Tell me, tell me," said the young man.

"Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Definitely," said the old man.

Young Morris did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie
off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more
suggestions?"

"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer
hits, the gun will come out smoother."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"It sure will," said the old man.

The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cufflink
off the piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything
else you can share with me?"

"One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over
there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."

The young Morris didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on
the gun.

"No, the whole gun, handle and everything," said the old man.

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"No," said the old man, "but, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that
piano, he's going to put that gun where the sun don't shine, and it
won't hurt as much."

[loodvig]

Navigational Aid
>
> Being a retired Naval officer and a courteous one at
> that, I approached a younger woman inside the mall
> while doing some shopping . . .
>
> 'Excuse me,' I said. I can't seem to find my wife.
> Can I talk to you for a couple of minutes?' The
> woman, feeling a bit of compassion for this older
> looking fellow, said, 'Sure, Do you know where your
> wife might be?' 'I have no idea', I said, 'But every
> time I talk to a woman with **** like yours, she
> usually appears out of nowhere.'

[loodvig]

Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy in Augusta , Georgia , told
police he observed a male customer, later identified as Tyrone Jackson
of Augusta , on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his
jacket... When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an
employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.

Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys
for Tots" program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he
stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back, the injury
did not appear to be severe.

After Police and an ambulance arrived at the scene Cpl. Duggan was
transported for treatment. The subject was also transported to the local
hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several
missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted
lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw...injuries he sustained when
he slipped and fell off of the curb after stabbing the Marine

[loodvig]

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
>
> They were even after the first two holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
>
> The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
>
> As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
>
> The first fellow then revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
>
> The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
>
> The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
>
> The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.
> And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them

[loodvig]

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up,
he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a
nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the
closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client
asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone
else does."

[loodvig]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers.
When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.

He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches
it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the
time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want
to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled
up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what
happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"

[T-Man]

Here is a little test that will help you decide.


The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a
deserted street with your wife
and two small children.

Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities,
raises the knife, and charges at you...

You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?



THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:


Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
This is all so confusing!

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ..
Republican's Answer:
BANG!


............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......
Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'

Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!'

[loodvig]

CHECK YOUR MAIL

Just wanted to let you know - today I received my 2011 Obama Stimulus Package.
It contained two watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, a prayer rug and 10
coupons to KFC. The directions were in Spanish.

Hope you get yours soon.

[loodvig]

An Amish Elevator

A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son ... "Go get your Mother."

[loodvig]

What Starts with F and ends with K


A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too!'

Ms.. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions
he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed..

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think
Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'
The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants..'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands...'

The principal was trembling.

Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means
a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put
Harry in the fifth-grade; I got the last seven questions wrong...'

[loodvig]

2012 Election News Leak


It has been leaked to the Press, that Barack Obama has chosen
Sylvester Stallone for his 2012 running mate, and Nancy Pelosi
for Secretary of State.

They will run as, "Sambo, Rambo, and Bimbo".

That should cover the black vote (23%), and most of the gun
vote (20%) and most of the radical/crazy vote (8%). Adds up
to 51 % and guaranteed re-election.

Good Plan.

[Senko11]

At a medical convention, a French doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

The Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way behind. We took a black man with no brains out of Illinois, put him in the White House and now half the f**king country is looking for work!"

[loodvig]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to
buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law?
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad
things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture
and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[loodvig]

Hail Damage Repair


A nice looking blonde was driving and got caught in a
really bad hailstorm.

Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she
took it to a repair shop.

The shop owner, seeing she was a blonde, decided he
would have a little fun, since his shop was already so
busy.

He told her just to go home and blow into the tailpipe
really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So the blonde goes home, gets down on her hands and knees
and starts blowing into the tailpipe of her car.

Nothing happened.

She blows a little harder and still nothing happens.
Just then, her roommate, another blonde, arrives home
and sees what she is doing. "What are you doing?" she
asks.

The first blonde tells her how the repairman had
instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to
get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate, rolling her eyes, looks at her roommate,
and says... "HELL-OOO"...you need to roll up the
WINDOWS first!"

[T-Man]

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and
buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why in the world did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."
:cool: