How About A Joke Thread [Archive] - Page 4

loodvig

05-24-2007, 06:30 PM

>>>>>>"Hello?"Hi honey.This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>>"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
>>>>>>
>>>>>>After a brief pause, Daddy says,"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>>>>>Paul."
>>>>>>
>>>>>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Brief Pause."Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the
>>>>>>phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door
>>>>>>and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
>>>>>>
>>>>>>"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
>>>>>>
>>>>>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it
>>>>>>Daddy."
>>>>>>
>>>>>>"And what happened honey?" he asked.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
>>>>>>ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on
>>>>>>the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>>>>>
>>>>>>"Oh my God!!!What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared
>>>>>>and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I
>>>>>>guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean
>>>>>>it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
>>>>>>
>>>>>>***Long Pause***
>>>>>>***Longer Pause***
>>>>>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

loodvig

05-24-2007, 06:34 PM

LostArt

05-24-2007, 07:25 PM

Lost Grandpas

ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING

Do NOT lose your grandkids in the Mall!

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a
uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my Grandpa!'

The cop asked, 'What's he like?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, 'Jack
Daniels and women with big t*ts.'

Oh Jeeze! :D

What is it about men? I don't think it matters about age, do ya'll?????

I get so tickled sometimes, I really do.

Do you guys ever watch Robyn & Company? Anyway, I heard the Boss this morning tell the boy, "I'd like to see her nekkid." I am grinning when walking into the kitchen and I say, "Good grief dear. Now who do you want to see nekkid?" He grins and says, "Hey, get worried if I don't want to see a woman nekkid dear."

HOW TRUE! :D

JD426H

05-25-2007, 07:40 PM

(.)(.) are our friends ;)

Swamprat

05-27-2007, 12:29 AM

Two good ole boys in a trailer park, here, in St. Francois County, MO. were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If''n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin ?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says,
"Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even."

Squizzy

05-28-2007, 07:35 AM

Squizzy

05-29-2007, 04:04 AM

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

Squizzy

05-29-2007, 07:01 AM

The husband had just finished reading a new book,
called "You can be the Man of your House."
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on,
YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law!
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have
all the s@x that I want.
After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.....then,
you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's all done, guess
who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"....

His wife replied, "The f**king funeral director would be my
guess...."

BigClive

05-30-2007, 05:36 AM

DON'T kick the baby........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8iyDMGYKMVM

BigClive

05-31-2007, 03:56 PM

Ten things you've never seen in a webcam dance video.

http://www.break.com/index/ten-things-youve-never-seen-in-a-webcam-dance-video.html

"Did you ever think about Ricky Henderon while watching a girl dancing in lingerie before?"

"I just hope it doesn't happen again!"

dbrown20

06-02-2007, 08:41 PM

Sam was about 87 and lived in a retirement home. One day out in the garden he met Mildred, who was about the same age. They talked. Mildred said, what do you miss most about your life. Sam replied , I guess sex. Mildred said, why you old coot you couldn't get it up if you wanted to. Sam said, well I tell you what, what if I just get my member out and let you just hold it. That would be nice. Mildred replied. Well I guess that wouldn't hurt anything. So Sam unzipped his pants and Mildred held his member in her hand for awhile. Periodically they would meet in the garden and do this. One day Mildred showed up and couldn't find Sam. She looked around and finally found him near the pool with Mabel holding his member. Mildred shouted. You two timing SOB. What has she got that I haven't got? Sam looked over at her and smiled. Parkinsons, he replied.

Alan Mac

06-07-2007, 02:05 AM

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

Mac

loodvig

06-08-2007, 10:12 AM

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've
been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you
quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut,
had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of
your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or
anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on
me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband -

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far
cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown
out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID
notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to
mind was "You look just like a girl!" Since my mother raised me not to say
anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment . And when you
cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER,
because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99
price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my
sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of
this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit
the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets
to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a
reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that
the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born
Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

Alan Mac

06-08-2007, 11:10 AM

Upon reaching 73, Des's old friend Stewart decided to retire. After having

him under foot for a few months, his wife Arlene became very agitated with

him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time like joining a

club or getting a hobby.

Old Stewart obliged and went out for a couple of hours. When he got home Arlene

asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the corner bar

and hung out with the guys". And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club".

"What? Are you nuts? You're 73 years old and you're going to start

parachuting"?

"Yeah, look. I even got a membership card."

"Stewart, you need glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club!"

"Oh, great!! Now what am I gonna do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week"

Alan Mac

06-09-2007, 01:41 AM

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Paw, what's that?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son: "Boy................ .go gitcha Momma..............

Squizzy

06-09-2007, 11:15 PM

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer " should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Alan Mac

06-15-2007, 02:37 AM

I rear ended the car in front last night. This dwarf guy gets out and starts shouting at me "I'm not happy, I'm not happy".

I said "Go on then, which one are you".

Mac

loodvig

06-15-2007, 05:25 AM

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe strip chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through photos and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now"

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.

"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.

And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21"

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had
such curly hair when he was born".

"He's a martyr too " says mum quietly.

"Oh, gracious me .." Says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful
Ahmed. He would be 18", she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember
when he first started school".

"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim
mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says ...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
_________________

loodvig

06-15-2007, 05:33 AM

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.

Impotence..Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

the proctologist called
...they found your head..

Everyone has a photographic memory
...some just don't have any film.

Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

Your ridiculous little
opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle
on life...but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful
overnight relationship.

Guys...just because you have one,
doesn't mean you have to be one..

Some people just don't know how to drive...
I call these people "Everybody But Me,"

Don't like my driving?
Then quit watching me.

If you can read this...I can
slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by
itself.

Hang up and drive!!
And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!
Welcome to America
now speak English

Squizzy

06-15-2007, 06:55 AM

SENIORS GIVING BIRTH

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 70-year-old woman was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked. "Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first." Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative
asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother. After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked
again, "May we see the baby now?" "No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them. "WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"

"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM. O.K.?"

Alan Mac

06-16-2007, 02:37 AM

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge
fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss he beats it
death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he
disposes the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of cleaning out the Chimp house he is
attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at the two
chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the
lions, he says to himself, because lions eat everything. He hurls the
corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South
American bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He
grabs a spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to
do and throws them into the lions cage because lions will eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another
lion and says "What?s the food like here?" The other lion says
"Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps, with mushy
bees."

linescum

06-19-2007, 04:29 PM

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an
oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated
from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young,
student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles
black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't
know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about
his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown,
holds his penis in one hand and his
testicles in the other,
lifting and moving them around. T hen, she takes a close look
and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but,
listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

BigClive

06-19-2007, 07:11 PM

"What?s the food like here?" The other lion says
"Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps, with mushy
bees."

It's a good joke, but you have to wonder who came up with it. :)

Alan Mac

06-20-2007, 02:01 AM

*A man boards an aeroplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he
glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon
realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous
anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right
beside his.**

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip
or vacation?".

"Nymphomaniac Convention in Milan," she states.

Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement.

Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next
to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's
your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of
the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"

Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that Black men are the
most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who
is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that
French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent."

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm
sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even
know your name!".

"Tonto," the man says, as he extends his hand. "Tonto Papadopoulos."*

Mac

Squizzy

06-20-2007, 07:59 AM

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me
screw you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.
She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

loodvig

06-22-2007, 06:02 AM

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont , Texas who has recently been
diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus.
My parents live in Fort Worth and one of my sisters, who lives in
Pflugerville, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and
selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two
sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas .
I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life
sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My
other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual
misconduct with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives
in Longview , She is a part time "working girl".
All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiance' and look
forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be
totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hilary Clinton for President?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

Swamprat

06-22-2007, 02:24 PM

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies,.."I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit, please..."

"And what can I get for you Mr. President?"

George W. looking up from his menu, replies with his trademark wink and slight grin (folks might refer to it as a smirk)..... "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude of you! You're starting to act just like Bill Clinton".

As the waitress storms away Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers....."It's pronounced 'quiche'....."

Orgnizdlbr

06-22-2007, 02:56 PM

Gerge W. Bush and Dick Cheney are conducting their daily cabinet meeting. The various cabinet members give their reports to the president.

It comes time for the Sec. of Defense who reports "Mr. President, yesterday two brazilian soldiers were killed in iraq."

The President is moved and it is apparent that he is disturbed by the report.

As the sec of Def proceeds with his report, the President asks if hecould repeat his previous statement on the KIA troops.

Again, the president seems to truely grieve and be stricken by the news.

Cheney sees that GW is very moved by he report, so Cheney asks if the Sec def should proceed with his report. With that GW turns to Cheney and asks, "Dick, how many is a brazilion?"

Squizzy

06-23-2007, 09:10 AM

One for the girls
A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 42-year old arse?"

"Your name never came up," she replied

BigClive

06-24-2007, 01:43 PM

I live in a hill like this. I certainly don't park my van down the side of it in winter....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQFlngvfdbA

Alan Mac

06-25-2007, 01:07 AM

Nice one Clive, trouble is I now have a mental picture of you "living in a hill".

Mac

BigClive

06-25-2007, 04:51 AM

So is there something wrong with my cave? ;)

Alan Mac

06-26-2007, 12:38 AM

Nothin' wrong with that Clive. I live in a mud house with a straw roof!

Mac

Alan Mac

06-26-2007, 11:59 PM

The bin men came down our street the other day. They said to the Chinese guy next door "Where's your bin?"

He replied "I bin toilet"

They said "No, where's your dust bin?"

He replied "I bin toilet"

So the guy says "Where's your wheelie bin?"

he said "OK, I bin for w@()k"

Mac

BigClive

06-27-2007, 05:34 PM

LostArt

06-27-2007, 10:00 PM

Oh....good grief. But, if it wasn't for Clive.........I must say I'd be lost.

Alan Mac

06-28-2007, 12:24 AM

Cheers Clive, thanks for the translation.

A friend of mine went for a job as a refuse collector. He asked if there was a training course he had to go on. They told him there wasn't, that he'd pick it up as he went along.

Mac

BigClive

06-28-2007, 04:45 AM

Television store salesman is somewhat disturbed to find a customer watching Baywatch while frantically masturbating in front of one of their largest most expensive television sets. Not sure what to do he walks briskly up and says:- "Would you like to leave a deposit on that television sir." The guy replies "I just have, thanks."

Swamprat

06-29-2007, 11:43 PM

That joke might go over the head of some of the Americans. "Wank" is a predominantly British word.

They tend to refer to it as "spanking your monkey" or something similar.

Now excuse me... I have to go and spank my monkey. :rolleyes:

Actually,
My British buddy, calls em "Wankers".

In American English, I think that transulates to "Assholes, Dipshits, or ignorant Fu#$ers." :D

Orgnizdlbr

06-30-2007, 06:15 AM

Actually,
My British buddy, calls em "Wankers".

In American English, I think that transulates to "Assholes, Dipshits, or ignorant Fu#$ers." :D

Translation = wankers in American English = Jerkoffs

Swamprat

07-01-2007, 09:31 PM

Translation = wankers in American English = Jerkoffs

Isn't that what I said?:D

Swamprat

07-01-2007, 09:34 PM

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... Kill Her!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, " I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instruction, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "The gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Swamprat

07-05-2007, 04:48 PM

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note. " I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 am." Signed, " The Blonde."

She pinned the note inside the little boys jacket and told him to go straight home.

The next morning she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note. " Here is your money! I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"

Alan Mac

07-06-2007, 01:06 AM

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day, so she eases
it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the
rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies
to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled
vehicle yelling, 'What is going on here?'
'My car broke down, Officer' says the woman, calmly.
'Well, what are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the
road?!' asks the Officer...

'Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!', she replies.

Orgnizdlbr

07-06-2007, 01:03 PM

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies,
"I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching
while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

scroll down
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She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

SBatts

07-08-2007, 11:43 AM

Finally, a definition of globalization I can understand and to which I can relate

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with An Egyptian boyfriend

Crashes in a French Tunnel, driving a German car With a Dutch engine,

Driven by a Belgian Who was drunk On Scottish whisky,

(check the bottle before you change the spelling),

Followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, On Japanese motorcycles;

Treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by An American, Using Bill Gates's technology,

And you're probably reading this on your computer, That uses Taiwanese

Chips, and a Korean monitor, Assembled by Bangladeshi workers

In a Singapore plant, Transported by IndianLorry-drivers,

Hijacked by Indonesians, Unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

And trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friends, is Globalization!

duckhunter

07-11-2007, 06:39 AM

Well done Steve, well done!

loodvig

07-11-2007, 04:28 PM

Two men were driving through Texas when they got
pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and
tapped on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop
smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in Texas , son," the trooper answered. "When
we pull you over in Texas , you better have your license ready by
the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's
clean and gives the guy his license back.

The trooper then walks around to the passenger side
and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the
trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know your type." the trooper says, "Two
miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say," I wish that
asshole would have tried that shit with me!”

loodvig

07-11-2007, 04:35 PM

1. Every takeoff is optional.
Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger.
If you pull the stick back, they get smaller.
That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous.
Crashing is.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool.
When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude.
No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away.
A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others.
You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival.
Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds.
The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.
Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience.
The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is
commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour
and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience.
Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21.It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea.
It's the law.
And it's not subject to appeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are
the altitude above you,
runway behind you,
and a tenth of a second ago.

loner

07-11-2007, 08:57 PM

a highly respected brain surgeon was wanting to try an experiment to see how a persons intelligence would change with incremental blockages of the brain.he found a man willing to do it in the interest of science.first ,the doctor blocked 1/8 of his brain and said count to 10.1,2,3,4,5,6,etc,no problem.he stepped up to 1/4. this time the count was very slow,about 10 minutes to count to ten.the doctor was becoming worried but decided to go for3/8. the patient stared at the wall for about half an hour,then finally managed to slur out 1..............twooth....................freep.... .............................aahhhhhhhh,ahhhhhhhhh .fo........fooo.......four?.after this the doctor was startled,only 3/8 and hes that far gone hmmmmm,i think i will go for 1/2 just for the hell of it.well,after the procedure he instructed the patient to try again. in just under 5 seconds he was able to count to ten, like this, uno,dose, thres,quatro,cinco,etc.then without missing a beat he said,donde esta el welfare casa?

Outlaw Lineman

07-11-2007, 11:09 PM

A Texas rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is yer Dad home?" the rancher asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the rancher, "is yer Mom here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with Mom and Dad." The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant." The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that" he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

Alan Mac

07-14-2007, 12:56 PM

Alice and Frank were Bungee jumping one day.

Alice says to Frank, "You know we could make a lot of money running our

own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico."

Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy

everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are

constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more

people gather to watch them at work.

When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be

a good idea to give a demonstration, so Alice jumps.

She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank

notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't

able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again.

This time, she is bruised and bleeding.

Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This

time, she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken

bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened???

Was the cord too long????"

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...it

was the crowd!....What the HELL is a Piñata?!"

SBatts

07-14-2007, 09:54 PM

There is a slick routine aimed at stealing from unwary persons. They say that the gang usually comprises three or four members. While the three younger ones, all appearing to be cute and innocent, divert their "mark" (or intended target) with a show of friendliness and fun, the fourth - the eldest of this gang of criminals - sneaks in from behind the person's back to expertly rifle undetected through pockets and bags for any valuables being carried.

The attached picture taken from CTV operating in the inner city shows the Gang in operation.

Swamprat

07-15-2007, 08:35 PM

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese.

One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day
in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom
to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there
was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly
called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

"Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.
Brigid's . There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so
kind as to send a couple O yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people
took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also
obliged to notify the next of kin."

Swamprat

07-19-2007, 09:15 PM

Four married men went sailing.

While they were in the boat, following conversation took place:

First man: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out
sailing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room
in the house next weekend."

Second man: " That's nothing! I had to promise my wife I'll build her
a new patio for the pool."

Third man: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that
I'll remodel the kitchen for her."
They continued to sail, until they realized the fourth man had not
said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what
you had to do to be able to come sailing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth man: "I just set the alarm for 5:30. When it went off, I shut
off the clock, gave the wife a nudge and said, `Sailing, or Sex,' and
she said, ''Wear a sweater."

Swamprat

07-19-2007, 09:18 PM

BLUE PIGEON:

The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix. The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city.
All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix couldn't walk on the sidewalks or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to try to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. "I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me five million dollars and ask one question." The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon.
The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky.
All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon. They gathered up behind the blue pigeon.

The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 5 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 5 million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his
question

The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Mexican?"

loodvig

07-23-2007, 10:20 AM

A lawyer runs a stop sign & gets pulled over by a deputy.

He thinks he's smarter than the deputy because he's a NY
lawyer & certain he had a better education then a cop
from GA, so decided to prove it to himself & have some
fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy: "License & registration, please."

Lawyer: "What for?"

Deputy: "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop
sign."

Lawyer: "I slowed down, no one was coming."

Deputy "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License
& registration, please."

Lawyer "What's the difference?"

Deputy "The difference is, you have to come to complete
stop, it's the law. License & registration!"

Lawyer "If you can show me the legal difference between
slow down & stop, I'll give you my license & registration,
you give me a ticket. If not you let me go & don't give
me a ticket."

Deputy: "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle."

The deputy takes out his nightstick & starts beating the
crap outta the lawyer & says "Want me to stop? Or just
slow down?"

PA BEN

07-25-2007, 05:44 PM

Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway offramp.

Carlos has noticed that Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free

house, and has a lot of money to spend. Plus, Carlos only brings in a few

dollars a day, while Jose takes home a suitcase full of $10 bills every evening.

Carlos asks Jose why he is so much more successful than him.

Jose says, "Look at your sign. Then look at mine."

Carlos' sign reads: "I have no work and a wife and six children to support".

Carlos looks at Jose's sign.

Jose's sign says: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico".

Swamprat

07-25-2007, 09:36 PM

Why Men Wear Earrings

-------------------------
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck..."

Personally? I've worn one for.....shit...15 years?
Got mine when my daughter wanted "Another" set. I took her down to get them, and she says...
"Hay Dad, why don't I get one, and you get one...same price?"
My Baby Girl!!:cool:

Swamprat

07-26-2007, 09:34 PM

THE MOMMY TEST

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off
the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her
and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty
and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked,
"Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."

I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test.
You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be
the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.

Well,
I taught my daughter the "5 second" rule years ago.... It may not make me as smart as "Mom", but she lives by it to this day!:D And GOD does it piss her mom off!!:D :D

tolex42

07-27-2007, 09:07 AM

A North Carolina couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed."

The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision--why after nine children, would they choose to do this now.

The husband replied that they had heard recently on Fox that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish

loodvig

07-28-2007, 03:40 PM

While walking through the Boulder Colorado woods a
man came upon another man hugging a tree with his
ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he
inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck
are you doing?

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other
man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..."
So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed
his ear up against it. With this the other guy,
slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet,
jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by,
saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and
asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how
he got there. When he finished telling his story,
the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked
around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear
and said, "Man, this just ain't gonna be your day..."

loodvig

07-30-2007, 03:15 PM

Mastercard Wedding

You got to love this guy. This is a true story about
a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University.
It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno
mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300
guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up
on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He
said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from
long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his
family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing
such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep
appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a
special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including
the wedding party was an envelope. He said this was his
gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his
bride having s~ex with the best man. The groom had
gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a
private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests'
reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the
best man and said, "F--- you!" Then he turned to his
bride and said, "F--- you!" Then he turned to the
dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding
immediately after finding out about the affair, this
guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were
wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000
for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all,
trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in
front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has
balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a Master Card "priceless"
commercial out of this?

Elegant! wedding reception for 300 family members and
friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui: $8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10
glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else
there's MASTERCARD!

"Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it's
more like a jar of Jalapenos--what you do today, might
burn your a~ss tomorrow...

Swamprat

08-03-2007, 02:59 PM

A koala was sitting in a tree...... smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
"Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala
where they enjoyed a few joints.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was "dry"
and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far
over and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and
helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,
"What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he
was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,
got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked
into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was
sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
"Hey you!"

So the koala looked down at him and said,

"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude.....
How much water did you drink?!!"

Swamprat

08-03-2007, 03:00 PM

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several
years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she
was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he
would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly
have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also
provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep
it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write
Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments
to begin.
One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His
wife said, 'Honey, you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh,
just give it to me and I'll explain it,' he said. The wife handed him
the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and
collapsed.
On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with
meatballs, one without! Send Bread!

loodvig

08-04-2007, 05:48 AM

Why Motorcycles are better than men
1. You can ride a motorcycle when you want to
2. Motorcycles never try to ride you
3. Motorcycles don’t sulk for a week when you don't ride them
4. Motorcycles aren't hairy
5. Motorcycles don't have a complex about the size of their parts
6. Motorcycles don't fall asleep when you've finished riding them
7. Motorcycles don't complain when you take them shopping
8. Motorcycles are never too proud to let you ask for directions
9. Motorcycles stay hard all the time
10. Motorcycles don't take their socks off and pick their feet
11. Motorcycles are never too drunk to ride
12. Motorcycles don't screw around.
13. Motorcycles don't care if it's that time of the month.
14. Motorcycles don't have parents.
15. Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
16. Motorcycles don't care about professional sports.
17. You can share your motorcycle with your friends.
18. Motorcycles don't care how many other motorcycles you've ridden.
19. When riding, you and your motorcycle can arrive at the same time.
20. Motorcycles don't care if other motorcycles look at you.
21. Motorcycles don't care if you look at other motorcycles
22. You don't have to be jealous of other women who covet your motorcycle
23. If you say bad things to your motorcycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.
24. Your motorcycle won't start going until you're ready.
25. You can ride your motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get exhausted.
26. Your parents won't remain in touch with your old motorcycle after you dump it.
27. There is no limit to how long motorcycles can keep going.
28. Motorcycles don't mistrust you if you're an experienced rider.
29. Your motorcycle never wants a night out with the other motorcycles.
30. Motorcycles don't care what you wear.
31. Motorcycles don't feel their bikehood is threatened if you insist on driving.
32. If your motorcycle doesn't look good you can add bling.
33. You can ride your motorcycle the first time you meet it, without worrying about whether it will call you back the next day.
34. You don't have to cover your motorcycle with rubber when you ride it.
35. You don't have to worry about where your motorcycle has been before you met it.
36. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your motorcycle

loodvig

08-08-2007, 06:52 AM

Retirement
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went down town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?" He
ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him,
the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came down town on
the bus - and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08." I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

Alan Mac

08-09-2007, 12:31 PM

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

Mac

Swamprat

08-09-2007, 10:06 PM

Boudreaux he at it again!

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run
outta dem night crawlers.

He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a BIG snake wit a big frog in his
mouf.

He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat
froggie from dat snake.

Dat snake, he be a BIG cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be
real careful or he'd get bit.

He snuk up behine de snake and grabb him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't
lak dat one bit.

He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get
hisself free. But Boudreaux, him, he hada real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his
bait can.

Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite
him good, but he had a plan.

He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint
a dat Tennessee hillbilly moonshine likker.

He pour some drops into de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll
back in his haid and his body go limp.

Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he go back to
fish'n.

A while go by, den Boudreaux dun feel sumpin atappin' on his barefoot toe.

He slowly look down and dere be dat damn cotton moufed water moccasin, wif
two more frogs!

LostArt

08-10-2007, 03:36 PM

Power of prayer

In a small mid western conservative town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the buildings demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made it's way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't!"

Swamprat

08-10-2007, 10:58 PM

THAT'S Friggin FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hipocrital....but FUNNY!!!!!!!!!:D

Power of prayer

In a small mid western conservative town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the buildings demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made it's way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't!"

LostArt

08-11-2007, 07:17 AM

THAT'S Friggin FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hipocrital....but FUNNY!!!!!!!!!:D

I thought so too! :D

Swamprat

08-11-2007, 09:39 AM

Dogs Know
Have you ever heard that a dog "knows" when an earthquake is about to hit?
Have you ever heard that a dog can "sense" when a tornado is stirring up, even twenty miles away?

Do you remember hearing that, before the December tsunami struck Southeast Asia, dogs started running frantically away from the seashore, at breakneck speed?

I'm a firm believer that animals - and especially dogs have keen insights into the Truth.

And you can't tell me that dogs can't sense a potentially terrible disaster well in advance.

Simply said, a dog just KNOWS when something isn't right.....when impending doom is upon us . . .

Squizzy

08-11-2007, 09:16 PM

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 17, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Michael. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Mathews's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Swamprat

08-11-2007, 09:56 PM

Squizzy

08-12-2007, 01:00 AM

A Woman's 50 Rules for Men
For those of you who are guys, pay close attention to the following:
1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No petting.
6. The correct answer to, "Do I look fat?", is never, ever, "Yes."
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag", "Lardass", and "Bitch" are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Dish soap is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. You're wrong.
26. You're sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for your discourse on football.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush.
You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 p.m.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so names.
45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Don't let your friends pick on her.
48. Call.
49. Don't lie.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Squizzy

08-12-2007, 01:02 AM

Why is PMT called PMT?
Because Mad Cow disease is already taken.....

Trampbag

08-12-2007, 01:49 AM

My absolute first post in this thread. Squizzy, how did you become so astute yet are an Aussie????? Beer, Sheila’s????!!!! Sheeeeiitttt….

Squizzy

08-12-2007, 09:21 AM

I take it you are having a good cackle about now Tramp? Yeah spent too much time around Feminazi's well enough to figure out their ideal utopia and use it to stir them up. Got plenty more sexist jokes and e-mails I am currently at "war" with 2 of my mates wives they have been calling me all sorts of names but it doesn't stop them forwarding e-mails and laughing and they say they are insulted ?!?!

Squizzy

08-12-2007, 09:23 AM

A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a rather hot
blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to
him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar he can't place where he might know her from,
so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
one of my children."
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.
"Holy crap," he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that
I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while
your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up
my behind?"
"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher."

Squizzy

08-12-2007, 09:25 AM

A Priest was seated next to an Aussie on a flight to New Zealand . After
the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Aussie asked for a Bundy rum and Coke, which was brought and placed
before him.
The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores
than let liquor touch my lips."
The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Me too.
I didn't know we had a choice."

Squizzy

08-12-2007, 09:30 AM

Guts or balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,
the definition for each is listed below.

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

Squizzy

08-12-2007, 09:33 AM

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Dear Penis,
After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised,
the administration rejects your requests for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours a day.
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
locations.
You do not take initative.
You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
You do part of your job extremely fast and then rush out before anyone else
finishes theirs, without asking team members if they are completed .
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the
assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been constantly entering and exiting the
workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags

Squizzy

08-12-2007, 09:39 AM

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside
and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove
home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied,
"I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

__________________________

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked
about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

__________________________________

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever
seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you
to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved
for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I
have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening
his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

______________________________

The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so
I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with
a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two
days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing."

________________________

The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down
here."

_____________________________

The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your
mother!"
"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."

Squizzy

08-12-2007, 09:42 AM

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager walked up to
the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colours:

green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared. Every time the teenager looked, the old man

was staring.

The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer,

never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old

man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just

wondering if you were my son."

Squizzy

08-12-2007, 09:43 AM

Two gay men decide to have a baby.

They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially
inseminated.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of whom are crying and
screaming.
One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy
child is theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" Robert says to Bobby. "All these unhappy
children, and ours is so happy."
The nurse says, "Oh, sure he's happy now, but just watch what happens
when we take the dummy out of his ARSE !

Squizzy

08-12-2007, 09:51 AM

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

===============================================

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

=============================================

Q. What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

============================================

Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

=============================================

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

================================================

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

=============================================

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

===========================================

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

===========================================

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

=============================================

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?

A. About three inches.

===========================================

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?

A. For traction in the mud.

=============================================

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

=============================================

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

===========================================

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

===========================================

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 pounds.

==========================================

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

============================================

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

=============================================

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.

============================================

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

============================================

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A . They don't have balls to scratch!

===========================================

Squizzy

08-12-2007, 09:52 AM

A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg.
His friend says, "My feet are cold mate .
Can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please."
The guy goes upstairs,
and there are his mate's gorgeous twin 18 year old daughters.
"Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His mate yells back, "Yea of course, both of them."

Squizzy

08-12-2007, 09:53 AM

Two basketball teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a
double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Jupiter's. The Brunette
team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top
level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when
one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she
found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight- ahead at the road,
clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great
time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and
whispered.

...."YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!

Squizzy

08-12-2007, 09:56 AM

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while
they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly
jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

The medical director learned of Mary's heroic act. He immediately
wrote
orders for her discharge from the hospital. He considered her mentally
stable. When he went to tell Mary the news. He said, "Mary, I have
good
news and bad news. The good news is you're going to be discharged. You
jumped into the pool and saved the life of another patient. I believe
you've regained your full mental capacity and you are able to function
normally in society. Here are your discharge papers.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved,hung himself in the
bathroom
with the belt to his bathrobe. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry."

Squizzy

08-12-2007, 09:59 AM

THE CORRECT WAY TO COME HOME DRUNK!

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to
the other and says, You know, I dont know what else to do. Whenever
I go home after weve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off
before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the
garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the
stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL
Wakes Up, and
Yells at me for staying out so late! His buddy looks at him and says Well, you are obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up
the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw
my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap
her on the ass and say!
WHOS HORNY????!!! and she acts like shes sound asleep.

Squizzy

08-12-2007, 10:03 AM

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door,
the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12
cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in,and I told him "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all.
Whew!
Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why? He said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh shit!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Squizzy

08-12-2007, 10:05 AM

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the
apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.
The apples at the top think
something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They
just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave
enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now Men .... Men are like a fine wine. They begin
as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until
they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

harley

08-13-2007, 06:44 AM

Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete. But she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women. She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be telling people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else."

--Jay Leno

"Well, the big story -- Hillary Clinton will be running for president in 2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she finally wants to see what it's like to sleep in the president's bed."
--Jay Leno

"Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Sen. Hillary Clinton running for president. Apparently, some Democrats don't like the idea, while others hate it."
--Conan O'Brien

"In a fiery speech this weekend, Hillary Clinton wondered why President Bush can't find the tallest man in Afghanistan . Probably for the same reason she couldn't find the fattest intern under the desk."
--Jay Leno

"Former President Bill Clinton said that if his wife, Hillary, is elected president, he will do whatever she wants. You know Bill Clinton-- when he makes a vow to Hillary, you can take that to the bank."
--Jay Leno

"Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born under the same sign? Know what sign? 'For Sale '"
-Jay Leno

"A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine."
-Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton said today that she wants legislation to allow all ex-felons to vote. See, this way all the Clinton 's former business partners can vote for her in 2008."
--Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs have come out . So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern."
-- Craig Kilborn

In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts."
-- Jay Leno

"In the book, she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said "I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air. No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said."
-- David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York , announced that she has no intentions of ever , ever running for office of the President of the United States . Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family."
-- David Letterman

"Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington . People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same."
-- Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch."
-- Craig Kilborn

"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America . Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it."
-- Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York . When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. .. .the one with only seven commandments." --David Letterman

Swamprat

08-13-2007, 02:49 PM

:D :D :D :D .................................................. ..............................
God I love Country Music!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugk4MhwNfiA

LostArt

08-13-2007, 03:52 PM

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.

(BTW, a male friend sent this to me. :D )

Squizzy

08-14-2007, 05:31 AM

Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered",
she said.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident and why she thought the cat
stuttered.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped
over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised
his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...
And before he could say "F--k", the rottweiler got him!"

Squizzy

08-14-2007, 06:41 AM

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............

'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.

'Huey,' was the reply.

'How's your day been, Huey?'

'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey .

'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'

'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.

'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.

'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'

'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.

'My name is Puddles.'

loodvig

08-15-2007, 03:48 PM

Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES , NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Swamprat

08-15-2007, 04:48 PM

.................................................. .................................................. ....

Swamprat

08-15-2007, 09:58 PM

This little animal really exists!

Unbelievable but true. It's called a Naked Mole-Rat, from Africa.

Going through life is hard enough,

but to go through life looking like a dick with buck teeth must be horrible!

loodvig

08-16-2007, 05:43 AM

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson.
One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes
down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the
dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain
the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man
an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy
and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in
the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in
love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over
dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the
appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride
to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that
they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first
after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting
for the first person to break and get stuck doing the
dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides
to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman
in front of her family.

And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more
direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex
with her in front of everyone.

And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting
desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the
table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to
do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first
thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he
reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline.

And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"

Squizzy

08-17-2007, 08:31 AM

Apple computers have today announced that they have developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.
The iTit will cost between $499 to $599 depending on size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough as women are always complaining that men are always staring at their breasts without listening to them!

loodvig

08-17-2007, 11:22 AM

Bounced Check

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a
bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought
it amusing enough to have it published in the New York
Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with
which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the
arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit
of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit,
has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window
of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30
by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial
ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your
telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact
you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has
become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and
hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at
your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an envelope. Please
find attached an Application Contact which I require
your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I
know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical
history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and
the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your
employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in
dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
again, I have modeled it on the number of button
presses required of me to access my account balance on
your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON
FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
# 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I
am there.
# 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.
# 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to nature.
# 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am
not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to
access my computer is required. Password will be
communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized
Contact mentioned earlier.
# 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to
options 1 through 7.
# 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The
contact will then be put on hold, pending the
attention of my automated answering service.
# 10 . This is a second reminder to press* for
English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the
call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must
also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up
of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less
prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 86 year old woman)
'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE "SENIORS" !!!!!

loner

08-17-2007, 04:47 PM

always wondered what batts looked like ,how did you get him to stay in your hands?

loodvig

08-18-2007, 06:18 PM

http://webmaila.juno.com/webmail/new/21?folder=Inbox&uniqMsgId=0016lp8P00001Mgo&attachId=8&user=loodvig@juno.com&content=
OOPS! Sorry this won't work!

loodvig

08-21-2007, 02:36 PM

A young man married a beautiful woman who had
previously divorced 10 husbands. On their
wedding night, she told her new husband to
"Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that
be if you've been married ten times.?"

"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative;
he kept telling me how great it was going to
be."

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was
never really sure how it was suppose to
function; but he said he'd look into it and
get back with me."

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said
that everything checked out diagnostically
but he just couldn't get the system up."

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even
though he knew he had the order, he didn't
know when he would be able to deliver."

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood
the basic process but he wanted three years
to research, implement, and design a new
state of the-art method."

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he
thought he knew how but he wasn't sure
whether it was his job or not."

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he
had a product, he was never sure how to
position it."

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did
was talk about it."

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did
was look at it."

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he
ever did was........... God I miss him."

"But now that I've married you, I'm so
excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?"

"Your're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get
SCREWED."

creepingcharlie

08-21-2007, 10:55 PM

wow this is fun, but I worn you not for the every one.:mad: :confused: :p :D

http://www.internetisseriousbusiness.com/

loodvig

08-22-2007, 07:06 AM

http://www.animatronics.org/strangers/strangers.htm

Squizzy

08-23-2007, 08:07 AM

Why it takes so long in the Ladies Room.

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is so handy, but empty.

You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible.. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.

Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper- not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms. It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. (It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!)

Squizzy

08-23-2007, 08:10 AM

http://www.animatronics.org/strangers/strangers.htm

Ha ha ha thats great:D

Squizzy

08-23-2007, 09:10 AM

POSITION :

Mum, Mummy, Mama, Ma

Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, a often chaotic environment.

Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away suburbs!

Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.

Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 100 kph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.

Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.

On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!

Offering frequent raises and bonuses.

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that university will help them become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right

Swamprat

08-26-2007, 09:13 PM

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
----------------------------- - -------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Squizzy

08-28-2007, 07:32 AM

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
You marry her.

Why don't women need raincoats?
Because there is a roof between the kitchen and the bedroom.

Why do brides wear white on their wedding day?
So they will match all the other household appliances.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing she has been told twice.

Squizzy

08-28-2007, 07:32 AM

OLD ROOSTER
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster
for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me.
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?
" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am
taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever win! s gets t he
exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance,
old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later
the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the
front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining
fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM -
he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Darn....third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story?
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will
always overcome youth and arrogance!

loodvig

08-29-2007, 05:24 AM

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)

These ALABAMA boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists :

1) The season opened today. 2) There is no limit. 3) They taste just like chicken. 4) They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5) They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

Squizzy

08-30-2007, 09:19 AM

Police are warning men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to
be alert and cautious when offered a drink from a woman. Many
females use a date drug called "Beer".

The drug is found in liquid form and is available in bottles, cans,
or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sex
predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to
go sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few Beers and then
ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are helpless against this approach. After several beers, men
will often succumb to the desire to sleep with horrific looking
women whom they would never normally be attracted to.

After drinking several beers, men often awaken with hazy memories
of what happened to them the night before.At other times
These unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in
a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

In extreme cases, the female may be shrewd enough to entrap the
unsuspecting male into a longer form of servitude referred
To as "marriage." Men are much more susceptibleto this scam after
beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam, there are male support
groups where you can discuss the details of your encounter
With similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, look up "Golf Courses" in
the phone book.

loodvig

08-31-2007, 12:59 PM

Three elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach" ?

************************************************** *********************

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness ofa cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

************************************************** *************************

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench.

Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and 'mutual orgasm' there, that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said,

"No, I think we had State Farm".

Swamprat

09-01-2007, 07:11 PM

NEVER HEARD CREATION EXPLAINED THIS WAY BEFORE !!!

In the beginning, God created the
Heavens and the Earth and populated
the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower
and spinach, green and yellow
and red vegetables of all kinds,
so Man and Woman would live
long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan
created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Crispy Crème Donuts.
And Satan said, "You want
chocolate with that?"

And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds,
And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt
that Woman might keep the figure
that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour
from the wheat, and sugar from
the cane and combined them.
And Woman went from siz e 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and
garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart- healthy vegetables and olive oil
in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep fried
fish and chicken-fried steak so
big it needed its own platter
And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white
cake, named it "Angel Food Cake,"
and said, "It is good."
Satan then created chocolate cake
and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running
shoes so that His children might
lose those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with a
remote control so Man would
not have to toil changing the
channels. And Man and Woman
laughed and cried before the
flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the
potato, naturally low in fat and
brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful
skin and sliced the starchy center
in to chips and deep-fried them.
And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that
Man might consume fewer calories
and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's
and its 99-cent double cheeseburger.
Then said, "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied, "Yes! And super
size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple
bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

Bigheadnc

09-04-2007, 01:30 PM

A friend sent me this....

>I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Eukanuba dog food and was
>standing in line at the check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a
dog.
>
> On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting the Eukanuba Diet again,
> although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
> time, but that I'd lost 50 lbs before I awakened in an intensive care
ward
> with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
>
> I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it
> works is to load your pants pockets with Eukanuba nuggets and simply eat
> one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
> complete so I was going to try it again.
>
> I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
> enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
>
> Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
> because I had been poisoned.
> I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road
> licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a
> heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
>
> Stupid lady...why else would I buy dog food???

loodvig

09-08-2007, 09:50 AM

A man was boarding an airliner with a box of crabs.

A female crew member took it and promised to put it in the crew's
refrigerator, which she did. The man advised her that he was holding her
personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to
rant and rave about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing, she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the
gentleman who gave me the crabs in Sydney , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them herself!

Men are simply not equipped to compete in this kind of stuff.

Squizzy

09-19-2007, 02:37 AM

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she can’t help but notice that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears, all sitting on three wooden shelves.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love under the arrangement of teddy bears. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek lovingly, looks deeply into her eyes, and says, "Help yourself to any prize on the middle shelf!"

sad 67

09-20-2007, 11:38 AM

The inventor of the Harley Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and
>>went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've
>>been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your
>>reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven."
>>
>>Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out
>>with God."
>>St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God
>>recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented
>>the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
>>Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."
>>God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
>>pretty unstable,
>>makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
>>Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but
>>aren't you the inventor of woman?"
>>
>>God said, " Ah, yes."
>>"Well," said Arthur, professional-to-professional, you have some major
>>design flaws in your invention:
>>
>>1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
>>
>>2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
>>
>>3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
>>
>>4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
>>
>>5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
>>
>>
>>"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
>>
>>God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited
>>for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
>>
>>"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,
>>"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than
>>yours. "

Swamprat

09-20-2007, 08:26 PM

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his ass.
"If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. why do you not take it out?"

"I regret I cannot", lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently stuck in my ass."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No shit?"

God Bless America

linescum

09-21-2007, 04:33 PM

http://hytaipan.home.comcast.net/media/serenity2.html

BigClive

09-22-2007, 08:34 PM

Just listen to the metallic thud as "birthday boy" gets his birthday surprise.

http://www.break.com/index/slide-divider-vs-nuts.html

linescum

09-24-2007, 05:14 PM

MessageFAKE FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
> REAL FRIENDS: is the reason you have no food.
>
> FAKE FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr / Mrs
> REAL FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD/MOM
>
> FAKE FRIENDS: bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong
> REAL FRIENDS: Would sit next to you saying 'Dawg ... we screwed
> up... but that was fun!'
>
> FAKE FRIENDS: never seen you cry
> REAL FRIENDS: cry with you
>
> FAKE FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back
> REAL FRIENDS: keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours
>
> FAKE FRIENDS: know a few things about you
> REAL FRIENDS: Could write a book about you with direct quotes from you
>
> FAKE FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing
> REAL FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds butt that left you
>
> FAKE FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door
> REAL FRIENDS: Walk right in and say 'I'M HOME!'
>
> FAKE FRIENDS: Are for awhile
> REAL FRIENDS: Are for life
>
> FAKE FRIENDS: will talk bad to the person who talks bad about you.
> REAL FRIENDS: Will knock the person out that talked bad about you
>
> FAKE FRIENDS: Would ignore this
> REAL FRIENDS: Will send this to all their real friends and hope to
> get it back!
>
> If you were killed today, I'm sorry I wouldn't be able to come to your
> funeral, because I'd be in jail for killing the person who did it.
>
> First, I wanted to let you know that I love you to death & think
> you are amazing!
> Second, if I don't get this back I understand...

Squizzy

09-30-2007, 06:55 PM

Test for Dementia

B elow are four ( 4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)

First Question:

Y ou are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What po sition are you in?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?

Second Question:
I f you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?

You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only . Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 . Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000 . Now add 10 . What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe.

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.

Squizzy

09-30-2007, 07:07 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=acsz0o2jtzg&mode=related&search=

Swamprat

09-30-2007, 09:25 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=acsz0o2jtzg&mode=related&search=

Ok....That was cool...

It was real polite not to show her....when they took her out of the harness....

When I was "Young and bullet proof"....I don't think I would have done that shit!!!

BUT....If we had thought about it "back in the day"....I probably would have...:p

UTube shit...back in My day..............?

Well,

I wouldn't want to get into it...
Thank god we didn't have "video" back then. The Lawsuits would STILL be going on...

Squizzy

10-01-2007, 09:17 AM

Rednecks you gotta love 'em they endless entertainment and laughs all around the world I was trying to figure out what they used and how they set up the poles, it looked to be a concrete pole with what looked to have one guy rope and marker visible so it could have been a couple of board lineman having some fun....

Alan Mac

10-03-2007, 11:04 AM

A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to

visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs

ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's room.

"Grandpa, Grandpa," he says excitedly, "as soon as grandma

comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said his grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that,

as soon as you croak, we're going to Disney World!"

Mac

Alan Mac

10-05-2007, 09:58 AM

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been
playing outside with the other kids for a
while when he came into the House and asked her, "Grandma, what's that
called
when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth.
"It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the
other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it
isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mom
wants to talk to you."

linescum

10-08-2007, 05:36 PM

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

linescum

10-08-2007, 05:37 PM

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college
graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that
they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can
remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair,
and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated
from BrighamYoungUniversity, and believe in the almighty power of
God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch
and nothing happens. The Mexicans immediately beg for her forgiveness
and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her
last words, "I just graduated from the HarvardSchool of Law and I
believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the
innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they
all immediately beg for her forgiveness and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm
from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in
Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, y'all ain't gonna
electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

Swamprat

10-09-2007, 11:14 PM

The Man of the House

A husband had just
finished reading a new book entitled,

"You
Can Be THE Man of Your House."

He
stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on,

you
need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law."

You
will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my
meal,

you
will serve me a sumptuous dess ert. After dinner, you are going to go
upstairs

with
me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards,
you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will then wash my

back,
towel me dry and bring me my robe. You will then massage my feet and
hands.

Then
tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

The
wife replied, "The damn funeral director would be my first guess."

loodvig

10-10-2007, 06:03 AM

The Box Under Bill & Hillary's Bed

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I
am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never
to look in it"

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never
looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary,
curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid
and peeked inside. In the box was 3 empty beer cans
and $81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now
that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly
curious as to why there even was such a box with such
contents. That evening, they were out for a special
anniversary dinner.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her
curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry,
Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never
looked into the box under our bed. However, today the
temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need
to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all
these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I
was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the
box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula
and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by
your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex
I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not
that bad considering your problem."

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They
hugged and made their peace. A little while later
Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money
in the box?"

Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with
empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and
redeemed them for cash."

Swamprat

10-10-2007, 10:00 AM

.................................................. .................................................. .

loodvig

10-11-2007, 08:45 AM

Jesse and Al

loodvig

10-11-2007, 12:14 PM

You Might Be A Part Of The Taliban If...

...You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
...You own a $300 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
...You have more wives than teeth.
...You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
...You've ever opened a can of falafel with a mortar round.
...You used a Stinger missile given to you by George Bush Sr. to shoot at a helicopter sent by George Bush Jr.
...You've ever had your camel repossessed.
...You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
...You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.
...You've ever been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look fat?"
...You think "The Kite Runner" is the funniest book you ever read.
...You've felt the urge to rub one out after seeing a woman's exposed ankle.
...You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
...You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."
...You wipe your ass with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

loodvig

10-12-2007, 04:50 PM

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of BUD. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one fom myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leave it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Moe

10-13-2007, 12:12 PM

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the
hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news
is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh, God, no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the
good news?" "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but
it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the
transplant." "Go for it doc," says the man. "As long as I can play golf
again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course
when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've
learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes
in watercolours."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was
such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I
also get a headache."

Squizzy

10-15-2007, 08:06 AM

Subject: FW: The WRONG Pick Up Lines

« Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

« Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.

« My Love for you is like diarrohea ... I can't hold it in.

« Do you have a library card, 'cause I want to check you out.

« Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

« If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

« You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

« Man - Fat Penguin! Woman - WHAT? Man - I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.

« I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

« I can't find my puppy; can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

« Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

« If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

« Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up

« If you were a McDonald's burger, I would call you McBeautiful....

« I know I can't have your virginity, but can I have the box it came in?

Squizzy

10-15-2007, 08:07 AM

Subject: School 1967 vs. 2007

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1967 - Vice principal comes over to look at Jack's shotgun. He goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, and FBI is called. Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1967 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail; nobody is arrested; nobody is expelled.
2007 - Police called. SWAT team arrives. Johnny and Mark are arrested and charged with assault. Both are expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1967 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the principal. He returns to class, sits still, and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is diagnosed with ADD and given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a learning disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1967 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is placed in foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself, and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1967 - Mark shares aspirin with principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called. Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. Car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1967 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given a diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1967 - Ants die.
2007 - Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco a and Firearms, Homeland Security, and FBI called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates parents; siblings are removed from home; computers confiscated. Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Heather. Heather hugs him to comfort him.
1967 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Heather is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in state prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

Squizzy

10-15-2007, 08:09 AM

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1920's, 30's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a Ute on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Red Rooster.
Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy fruit tingles and some crackers to blow up frogs with.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and cubby houses and played in creek beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no videogames at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound,no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross buns at Easter time.......no , really!

We were given BB guns and sling shots for our 10th birthdays,

We drank milk laced with Strontium 90 from cows that had eaten grass covered in nuclear fallout from the atomic testing at Mara Linga in 1956.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!

Footy had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

Our teachers used to belt us with big sticks and leather straps and bully's always ruled the playground at school.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

Our parents got married before they had children and didn't invent stupid names for their kids like "Kiora" and "Blade"

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 70 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

loodvig

10-16-2007, 05:00 AM

The Waiting Room

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, "Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

loodvig

10-18-2007, 05:42 AM

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like
dinner?"
the flight attendant asked John, seated in front, "What are my choices?"
John asked. "Yes or no", she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need
to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads:
Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and
he gets stuck under it. Cars and trucks are backed up for miles. Finally a
police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck
driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
consider
a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in yourimmediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass
guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say
if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual
exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When
silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes
her
head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with
your
other hand."

harley

10-18-2007, 12:26 PM

Sorry, I don't have anything to post about layoffs or politics, but I DO have another story from the Public Bathroom. Enjoy.

You are my arch nemesis. I see you wandering around as I go about my IT Computer Nerd business: Tall. Middle Eastern. Pot Belly. We catch each others eye every now and then and give each other a slight nod. I know you, I know what you do and I am on to your games.

I saw you this morning, we made eye contact. You nodded and took another bite of whatever Death-Ass producing garbage you fuel up on that makes the bathroom, smell like the inside of a dead monkey's colon, and nodded at me. I got you this time, ****er.

I give you my icy grin and nod back, then hurry back to my office. It's almost noon, and that's the time you like to run to the toilet and perform your daily ASS JIHAD on all the people just trying to wash their hands. Maybe in your country there is no common sense that would tell you that lunchtime = hand wash time. People want to get clean and eat, not be fumigated with the high-octane liquid shit attack you subjugate them too.

But I got you this time. Yeah ****er I GOT SOMETHING COOKING UP FOR YOU! Two egg sandwiches with cheese. Greasy sausage patties. A couple glasses of Tang. Some leftover Chinese food. A Twix. Root Beer Soda. Some steamed broccoli I had in the fridge. A Hot Pocket with pepperoni and cheese. A Chocolate Poptart. And like a cherry on top ... a McDonald's Quarterpounder with cheese.

I never eat this shit, it's all greasy and ****ing nasty, but today is the day I fight back. I go out for a quick mile jog and almost die. My stomach feels like there are two midgets fighting to the death inside there. I walk back to work, ass clenched tighter than a virgin's thighs at Church.

Great. The hot chick from next door wants to chat. She assumes the sweat on my face and arms is from running. She doesn't realize that it's a cold sweat induced by my severe sphincter trauma. She finally shuts up and I stagger to the Death Ass Arena.

You are there already in your favorite stall: The one right next to the ****ing sinks. You stupid, socially retarded ****. Fine. You have yet to begin your daily purge of Middle Eastern Ass Stew. I enter the stall next to you and drop my pants in preparation of the upcoming battle.

Your opening salvo is fired: A sloppy wet fart with a solid-shot closer. I laugh and show you the power of Advanced American Foodstuffs.

The tuba fart I unleash echoes off the walls and shrinks my waistline about an inch. The guy at the urinal laughs as I slap the wall between you and I and say "Back to YOU, Kajid!". You are silent, I assume you know who I am and that the time has come for us to battle. I know you are summoning your intestinal fortitude for full out war.

You do not disappoint me.

With a hissing "SSSShhhhhzzzzzzzzz!" you squirt out a deadly spray of ass juice that pollutes the air and makes my head swim. The pisser at the urinal is no longer laughing, he quickly zips up and runs for the door. He did not stop to wash his hands, instead opting to head for the hills. I cover my mouth and nose with my shirt and the black spots disappear from my vision. My head clears. I am ready.

"AAaaaaaaaRRRRRGGGHHH!" I yell, as I drop Big Tim. That's short for "Big Timber" ... AKA "Mississippi Butt Log".

Quick-fire farts stutter out of my ass, as I push the monster log from the Shit Dimension into our reality. The beefy, yeasty stench easily overpowers the Indian Ass Gutter odor of your previous attack. Mega Turd hits the water in the bowl with a mighty splash, the reek is that of a dead whale slowly ripening in the hot, tropical sun. I catch my breath and wipe my brow, and start to pat myself on the back. I should have known the battle was not over.

The only thing I can think of is that you must have completely unzipped your ass to your elbow. That's the only way I could begin to explain the lumpy, creamy splashes falling out of your ass into the toilet. It sounds like you are pouring a gallon of strawberry shake with whole strawberries in it into the shitter. I see the hairs on my arms start to curl from the horrid stench wafting up from under your stall. I shudder and sway on my throne, unsure if I will survive.

I have no choice. I must employ the Deal Breaker. I hunker down and clench my hands together. My fingers twitch and entwine like a nest of snakes, almost like I am running through a series of ancient Ninja Hand Symbols. My feet lift up onto the toes and my legs start to shake.

"You want to play??" I growl. A low moaning comes from my stomach, like a dinosaur calling into a swampy, foggy night. "YOU GOT IT! AAAAAAHHHHHH!"

Like Cloud summoning The Knights of the Round in Final Fantasy 7, I summon the Excalibur of Turd Demons to destroy my enemy. Hot magma-like shit rockets out of my ass, releasing a noxious, sticky cloud of deadly rectal perfume. I hear you gag and see your feet shuffle around, but you can't get away, can you? No. You can't.

Veins throb on my neck and temples as the turd monster tears itself from my bowels. My lips skin back from my now clenched teeth and I try not to scream. Your roll of toilet paper rolls into my stall. You must have torn it from the wall with numb fingers in an attempt to "Wipe and Scoot". Too late. MUCH too late!

Odors pound you with merciless fists: Rotten Fruitcake stuffed with boiled chicken assholes. Hammered shit-logs served on a bed of week old white rice. Rosie O'Donnel's racid crotch farts. The smell of your mom's dank, hairy Middle Eastern armpits.

Your stall door bangs open and you stagger out. You take three unsteady steps to the door and can barely open it wide enough to slip out. I laugh at you before you leave. "Yeah! RUN, ****er!" I yell, and laugh again. You say nothing.

It's all over except for the clean up. **** with me again, you shit filled Anal Terrorist. Me and my ass will be waiting

Swamprat

10-23-2007, 09:28 PM

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.At the Pearly Gates, they are met by
St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord
is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asked.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't
ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and
says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid
by 1,400 men in 6 months."

If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!

RWD

10-26-2007, 06:43 AM

President Clinton arrives in D.C. after a trip to his home state of Arkansas. He steps out of the plane, carrying two pigs, one under each arm. When he reaches the bottom of the stairs, the marine guard salutes him sharply. Clinton smiles and says, "I'd like to salute back, son, but as you can see, my hands are full."

"Yes, sir!" says the marine."Mighty fine pigs, sir!"

Clinton replies, "These aren't just ordinary pigs, son; they're pure Arkansas razorbacks."

"Yes, sir!" says the marine. "Mighty fine razorbacks, sir!"

Clinton says, "I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."

"Yes, sir!" the marine says again. "Good trade, sir!"

RWD

Swamprat

10-28-2007, 03:59 PM

Subject: WHITE HOUSE CONTRACTORS

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C. One from New Jersey, another from South Carolina and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The South Carolina contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700"

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from South Carolina to fix the fence."

"Done!", replies the government official.

And that friends, is how it all works !!!

Squizzy

10-29-2007, 07:06 AM

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish
you were married, or wish you weren't married, this
is something to smile about the next time you see a
bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said:

"Good trade....."

Swamprat

10-31-2007, 08:56 PM

Happy Halloween.....

http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=1267627193603&source=jl999 (http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=1267627193603&source=jl999)

loodvig

11-02-2007, 05:27 AM

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies. "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween Party."

loodvig

11-04-2007, 04:35 AM

Tom had been in the
liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the
stress he quits
his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from
humanity
as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets
groceries
once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and
quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone
knocks on his
door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is
standing there.
"Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the
road. Having a Christmas party Friday
night. Thought you might like to
come. About 5:00".

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here
I'm ready to meet some local
folks. Thank you."

As Cliff
is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you be some drinkin'."

"Not a
problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink
with
the best of 'em".

Again, the big man starts to leave
and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be
some fightin' too."

"Well,
I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there,
Thanks again."

"More 'n likely be some wild sex,
too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the
idea. "I've been
all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By
the way, what should
I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be
the two of us."

Squizzy

11-05-2007, 05:57 PM

A man wondered if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he was not sure
if sex is work or play. So he asked a priest for his opinion on this
question.

The priest said, after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive
search, I am positive sex is work and it is not permitted on Sundays."

The man thought, " What does a priest know of sex?" So he went to a minister
(a married man -- experienced) for the answer. He queried the minister
similarly, and received the same reply -- sex is work and not for the
Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he sought out the ultimate authority -- a man of
thousands of years tradition and knowledge -- a rabbi. The rabbi pondered the
question and stated, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replied, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me
sex is work?!"

The rabbi spoke softly in answering him.

If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it

Squizzy

11-06-2007, 01:32 AM

NEW - Miracle Cure!

· Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
· Do you suffer from shyness?
· Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine.

White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.

However, White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine.

However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNING:

The consumption of White Wine may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The consumption of White Wine is a major factor in dancing like a idiot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The consumption of White Wine may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
The consumption of White Wine may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
The consumption of White Wine may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
The consumption of White Wine may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.

NOW JUST IMAGINE WHAT YOU COULD ACHIEVE WITH RED WINE!

loodvig

11-06-2007, 10:25 AM

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

W hen there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again."

Swamprat

11-06-2007, 10:29 PM

HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING SEAT MATES

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train follow these instructions:
1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Start up

4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.

5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.

6. Then hit this link (http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf)

Swamprat

11-06-2007, 10:35 PM

http://i168.photobucket.com/player.swf?refURL=http://webmail.aol.com/31361/aol/en-us/Mail/DisplayMessage.aspx/&file=http://vid168.photobucket.com/albums/u174/rdjames_2007/Videos/Dadscar1.flv

loodvig

11-07-2007, 05:24 AM

http://www.glumbert.com/media/koreanfreestyle
Watch this kid.

Swamprat

11-07-2007, 09:23 PM

http://www.glumbert.com/media/koreanfreestyle
Watch this kid.

Yeah.....
I use to be able to do that. :D :eek: :D :eek: !!!!!!

Squizzy

11-09-2007, 01:36 AM

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and aHoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern US fairytale and a southern US fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...'

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

Swamprat

11-12-2007, 09:25 PM

Last Child Support Check!

Today my baby girl's 18th birthday... I be so glad
that this be my last child support payment! Month after month,
year after year, all those dang payments!

So I calls my
baby girl, LaKeesha, to comes to my house, and when she get
there, I told her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check
over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last check she
EVER be gettin' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me
the 'spression on yo mama's face."

So, my baby girl
take the check over to her momma. I be anxious to hear what she
say, and bout the 'spression on her face.

Baby girl walk
through the door... I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout
that?"

She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" .
and watch the 'spression on yo
face.":D

duckhunter

11-27-2007, 02:44 PM

A priest and a rabbi were having breakfast together one day, they had been friends since their childhood. The priest says to the rabbi "tell, have you ever eaten ham?" The rabbi hung his head, " Imust admit before I became serious about my faith in my young years I did try ham."

The rabbi then asked the priest, "Tell me old friend, have you ever been with a woman?" Like the rabbi, the priest hung his head and said "Like you, when I was young, before entering the seminary I was with a woman."

The rabbi smiled and said "it's better than ham isn't it?"

Swamprat

11-30-2007, 10:18 PM

Praise The Lord

The pastor asked if any one in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said,"I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors
didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued: "Jim was unable toHold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation . They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's Scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN, the word is STERNUM

Squizzy

12-02-2007, 07:29 AM

Dear All,

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat manure in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

I now scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

In fact all my money is gone but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program .....

Or, I’ll receive it from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

And I don’t go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

duckhunter

12-04-2007, 06:26 AM

A Scottish man, McDonald, came to visit the states for the first time. His American cousin decided to take him to a baseball game. Mc Donald was enjoying himself, though not really understanding all the rules. One batter was thrown 4 wild pitches and started slowly jogging to first base. Rrrrun lad, rrrun yelled McDonald. His cousin said he doesn't need to run, he got 4 balls. Oh, said McDonald, walk with prride lad, walk with prride.

loodvig

12-05-2007, 04:38 AM

A young ensign is working late at the Pentagon one evening. As
>>>he clocks out
>>>of his office at about 8 P.M. he sees the Admiral standing by
>>>the classified
>>>document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.
>>>
>>>'Do you know how to work this thing?' the Admiral asks. 'My
>>>secretary's gone
>>>home and I don't know how to run it.'
>>>
>>>'Yes, sir,' says the young ensign, who turns on the machine,
>>>takes the
>>>paper from the Admiral, and feeds it in.
>>>
>>>'Thanks,' says the Admiral, 'I just need one copy...'

Swamprat

12-05-2007, 12:02 PM

NEW direction for the war on terror
"Send Prior Service Vets over 60 "

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. (You can't be older than 42 to join the military.)

They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry!" We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m.

Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. now, "Get down and give me ... er ... one."

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

If nothing else, put us on the border and we will have it secured the first night.

Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so you can read it.

Alan Mac

12-07-2007, 06:09 AM

Shortest sentence - "I am".
Longest sentence - "I do".

Shortest marriage proposal - "You're what?"

Mac

Alan Mac

12-07-2007, 09:02 AM

Records are female, one little scratch and you never hear the end of it.

Newspapers are female, you shell out more and more on them every day but you can never be sure they’re telling the truth.

Central heating boilers are male, they work all day every day and go unappreciated until they have a breakdown, then it’s the end of the world.

Beer bottles are female, they have lovely curves and taste good but they don’t seem quite so appealing next morning.

Lavatories are male, they’re either vacant, engaged or full of shit.

Records are male, they rarely last more than 3 ½ minutes.

Freezer bags are male, they hold it all in but you can see right through them.

Photocopiers are female, once turned off, it take a good while to warm them up again, they are efficient reproductive devices but they wreak havoc if you push the wrong button.

Car tyres are male, they go bald easily and are usually over inflated.

Hot air balloons are male, you have to light a fire under them to get them to go anywhere.

Sponges are female, they’re soft, squeezable and famed for water retention.

Trains are male, they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

Egg timers are female, over time, all the weight goes to the bottom.

Remote controls are female, they easily give a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it and while he doesn’t always know the right button to press he just keeps on trying.

Mobile phones are female, whenever you try to communicate with them you often get bad reception and usually have to shout to make yourself heard.

Records are female, while we recall with fondness the ones we had in our youth, the same one year after year becomes tiresome.

Records are female, when they finally get the needle, they'll vinylly go round all day making a noise.

Mac

duckhunter

12-07-2007, 12:07 PM

A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night,
when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument
about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a minor
communist party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it," the man said, "Let's ask Comrade

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Alfred,
is it officially raining or snowing?"

"IT'S FREAKIN' RAINING, OF COURSE YOU STUPID IDIOTS!!" he screamed,
and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow! Why should we
believe what he says?"

The man quietly replied:

"Rude Alf the Red knows rain, dear!"

duckhunter

12-07-2007, 12:11 PM

Loodvig,
Is that a 41 in the picture?

loodvig

12-07-2007, 12:40 PM

Loodvig,
Is that a 41 in the picture?
No, it's my 37. The head lights are after market so that's what is throwing you off!
http://ww3.powerlineman.com/lforum/showthread.php?t=1143&page=30

Swamprat

12-08-2007, 01:01 PM

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there." Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years.
If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb."

"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Barb -- it's me, Rose."

"You're not Rose. Rose just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.

"Rose! Where are you?"

"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.

"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven.
Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too.
Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."

Squizzy

12-23-2007, 04:54 AM

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the

86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and

then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter

and never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if

it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,

"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else

pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

RWD

12-23-2007, 04:57 PM

Garfield on the oil crisis

A lot of folks can't understand how we came To have an oil shortage here in our country.

~~~

Well, there's a very simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~

We just didn't know we were getting low.

~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical.

~~~

Our OIL is located in

~~~

ALASKA

~~~

California

~~~

Coastal Florida

~~~

Coastal Louisiana

~~~

Kansas

~~~

Oklahoma

~~~

Pennsylvania

And

Texas

~~~

Our

DIPSTICKS

Are located in

Washington, DC !!!

Any Questions ???

NO? I didn't Think So.

LostArt

12-25-2007, 08:29 AM

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt

like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman

thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little

about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those

years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the

show, three to get ready, and four to go!"

Bull Dog

12-25-2007, 06:03 PM

Good Lord Mary Christmas everyone.

IN THE SHADOWS

12-26-2007, 05:01 PM

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel between his legs. The bartender asks, "whats up with the steering wheel in your crotch?" Pirate replies........Its driving me nuts.

Swamprat

12-29-2007, 03:45 PM

A Winter Statistic

98% of people say "Oh SHIT" before going in the ditch on a slippery road.
The other 2% are from Florida and say, "Here, hold my Beer and "Watch This!!

Swamprat

12-30-2007, 06:33 PM

THE BURNED OUT GYNECOLOGIST

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was

on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful

hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an

auto mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed

up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could. When

the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared

carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had

received a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying,

"I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I

wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,

which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together

again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did

all of it through the muffler."

Squizzy

01-06-2008, 05:37 AM

Job Selection:

A major International company was looking to hire someone for an important position
so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was:

A man and a woman are in bed, nude.
The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man
is lying on his side facing the woman's back .

What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their
answers.

The first, from Canada, says

"My answer is, there IS no answer."

The second, from New Zealand, says

"My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the
information we were given."

The third one, from Australia, says

"I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names.

It's either:

Willie Turner or Willie Naylor."

The Australian got the job............

Squizzy

01-07-2008, 07:55 AM

Ten Thoughts to Ponder
for 2008

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions:
Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the internet
and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky .. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought For 2008:

We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't
got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration.

Squizzy

01-07-2008, 08:02 AM

Top 8 Morons of 2007 (So Far)

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, during which the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kiwi Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart." "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (Hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition: The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
They still had the trailer attached to the bottom of the boat.

Pootnaigle

01-07-2008, 08:39 PM

T-boy Boudreaux finally decides to take a vacation.
> He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds
> to have the time of his life until the boat sank.
>
> He found himself swept up on the shore of an island
> with no other people, no supplies.. Nothing. Only
> bananas and coconuts.
>
> After about four months, he is lying on the beach
> one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever
> seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her,
> 'Where you come from? How you get here?'
>
> 'I rowed over from the other side of the island,'
> she says. 'I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'
>
> 'Dat's amazing,' he says. 'You was really lucky to
> have a rowboat wash up wit you.'
>
> 'Oh, this?' replies the woman. 'I made the rowboat
> out of raw material found on the island. I whittled
> the oars from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom
> from palm branches; and the sides and stern came
> from a Eucalyptus tree.'
>
> 'But ... but .. dat's impossible,' stutters T-boy.
> 'You ain't had no tools or hardware. How you manage
> dat?'
>
> 'Oh, no problem,' replies the woman. 'On the South
> side of the island, there is a very unusual strata
> of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a
> certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
> forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and
> used the tools to make the hardware.' T-boy is
> stunned.
>
> 'Let's row over to my place,' she says.
>
> After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at
> a s mall wharf. As T-boy looks onto shore, he nearly
> falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk
> leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and
> white. While the woman ti es up the rowboat with an
> expertly woven hemp rope, he can only stare ahead,
> dumbstruck.
>
> As they walk into the house, she says casually,
> 'It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down,
> please. Would you like to have a drink?'
>
> 'No, no tank you,' he says, still dazed. 'Can't take
> no mo of dat coconut juice.'
>
> 'It's not coconut juice,' the woman replies. 'I
> built a still. How about a Pina Colada?'
>
> Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts,
> and they sit down on her hand-woven couch to talk.
> After they have exchanged their stories, the woman
> announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more
> comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and
> shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in
> the bathroom.'
>
> No longer questionin g anything, T-boy goes into the
> bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made
> from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a
> hollow-ground edge are fastened on to its end inside
> of a sw ivel mechanism. 'WOW! dis woman is amazing,'
> he muses, 'what gonna be next?'
>
> When he returns, she greets him wearing 'nothing but
> vines' strategically positioned, and smelling
> faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit
> down next to her.
>
> 'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering
> closer to him, 'We've been out here for a really
> long time. I know you've been lonely. There's
> something I'm sure you really feel like doing right
> now, something you've been longing for all these
> months. You know...'
>
> She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's
> hearing!
>
> 'You mean ...', he swallows excitedly, 'We gonna
> watch the LSU game from here'?
>

Swamprat

01-08-2008, 10:16 AM

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked
> readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
> subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. The
> winners are:

> 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
> financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

> 2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

> 3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
> realize it was your money to start with.

> 4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

> 5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
> ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
> of breaking down in the near future.

> 6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

> 7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

> 8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

> 9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

> 10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

> 11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

> 12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad
> vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.

> 13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you

> 14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

> 15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

> 16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
> accidentally walked through a spider web.

> 17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
> bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

> 18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the
> fruit you're eating.

> The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for
common words. And the winners are:
> 1. Coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.
> 2. Flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has
> gained.
> 3. Abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
> 4. Eplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
> 5. Willy-nilly, adj. impotent.
> 6. Negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a
> nightgown.
> 7. Lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.
> 8. Gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.
> 9. Flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run
> over by a steamroller.
> 10. Balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.
> 11. Testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam.
> 12. Rectitude, n the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
> 13. Pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist.
> 14. Oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
> 15. Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up
> onto the roof and gets stuck there.
> 16. Circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish
> men.

Swamprat

01-10-2008, 06:39 PM

Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

PA BEN

01-16-2008, 08:09 PM

George and Laura Bush and Bill and Hillary Clinton are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station George and Laura each buy a ticket and watch as Bill and Hillary buy just one ticket.

"How are the two of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks George W, astonished at what he is seeing. "Watch and learn," answers Hillary.

They all board the train. George and Laura take their respective seats, but Bill and Hillary cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Bushes see this happen! and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to try a similar plan on the return trip. When they get to the station they see the Clinton 'S at the window buying a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Clinton 's see that the Bushes don't buy any ticket at all.

"Aren't you taking a terrible chance by traveling without a ticket?" says Hillary.

"Live and learn," answers Laura Bush. When they board the train the Bushes cram themselves into a toilet and the Clinton 'S cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train leaves the station, George W. leaves their toilet and walks over to the Clinton 'S toilet, knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

And Democrats are still wondering how they lost the election.

loodvig

01-18-2008, 05:31 AM

Top This For A Speeding Ticket

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting
speeding enforcement on I-15 near MCAS Miramar. One of
the officers was using a hand held radar device to
check speeding vehicles approaching near the crest of
a hill. The officers were suddenly surprised when the
radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer
attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not
reset and turned off. Just then a deafening roar over
the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked
onto a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low
flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired
off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander.

Back came a reply in true USMC style:

Thank you for the message, which allows us to complete
the file on this incident. You may be interested to
know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had
detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto
your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a
jamming signal back to it.

Furthermore, an air to ground missile aboard the fully
armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your
equipment. Fortunately the Marine Pilot flying the
Hornet recognized the situation for what it was,
quickly responded to the missile system alert status
and was able to override the automated defense system
before the missile was launched and your hostile radar
site was destroyed.

Thank you for your concerns.

LostArt

01-23-2008, 04:45 AM

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days
later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young
woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and
said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be
careful.'

loodvig

01-24-2008, 06:21 AM

Installing A Husband

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system
performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry
applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other
valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal
Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs
such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6
simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging
5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

------

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment
Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: 'I Thought You Loved Me.exe'
and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to
install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0
should then automatically run the applications Jewelry
2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the
above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to
Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer
6.1 is a very bad program that will download the
Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it
runs a virus in the background that will eventually
seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0
program. These are unsupported applications and will
crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it
does have limited memory and cannot learn new
applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

Swamprat

01-28-2008, 10:54 PM

No Sex Since 1955

A crusty old Sergeants Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeants Major
For conversation.

'Excuse me Sergeants Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?' 'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.' 'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeants Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'
'1955, Ma'am.' 'Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!'

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955

The Sergeants Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, 'I hope not, it's only 2130 now.'

loodvig

01-29-2008, 05:24 AM

DETROIT LIONS (sad, but true):

Q: What do you call 53 people sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Detroit Lions

Q: How do you keep a Detroit Lion out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.

Q: Where do you go in Detroit in case of a tornado?
A: Ford Field - they never have a touchdown there

Q: What do you call a Detroit Lion with a Super Bowl ring?
A: A thief.

Q: Why doesn't Lansing have a professional football team?
A: Because then Detroit would want one.

Q: What's the difference between the Detroit Lions & a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: What do the Detroit Lions and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

Q: How many Detroit Lions does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A: Nobody knows and we may never find out.

And last, but not least:

Q: What do the Detroit Lions and Billy Graham have in common?
A: Both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell 'Jesus Christ!'

Squizzy

01-30-2008, 10:31 PM

Regardless of fact or fiction, still a bit of fun to read

Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least-evolved among us.

And the glorious Winner for 2007 is:

1.
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again.
This time it worked.

And now, the Honorable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. A Texas teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter.
The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15.

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas.
The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied,
'Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.'

9. The Ann Arbor Michigan News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 a.m. , flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.
The man, frustrated, walked away.

******THE 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER** ***

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.
A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd had in a very long time.

In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your friends and family. Unless of course one of the 10 winners by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

Outlaw Lineman

02-02-2008, 10:25 AM

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one
evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to
avoid it but couldn't. The aged bovine was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners
what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in
disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand,
a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with
lipstick.

'What happened to you,' asked Hillary?

'Well,' the driver replied, 'the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me
the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me!'

'My God, what did you tell them?' asked Hillary.

The driver replied, 'I just stepped inside the door and said, I 'm Hillary
Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast
I couldn't stop it.

PA BEN

02-02-2008, 08:23 PM

> Two guys are out hunting, and as they are walking along,
> they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed
> by the size of it.

> The first hunter says, " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the
> bottom, I wonder how deep it is?"

> The second hunter says, "I don't know, let's throw something down and
> listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

> The first hunter says, "There's this old transmission here, give me a hand
> and we'll throw it in and see".

> So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three,
> and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over
> the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn
> around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole
> with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

> While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole,
> and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
> "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat
> around here anywhere, did you?"

> The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing
> here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a
> hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

> And the old farmer said, "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to an
> old transmission! "

Swamprat

02-02-2008, 10:50 PM

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's
worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for
a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and
Shoot the breeze with his buddies while I have to work to pay the
bills.

Since our daughter went away to college, he doesn't even pretend to
like me and hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

================================================== ===========

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman!!! You don't need him
anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for
President of the United States. ACT LIKE ONE!!!

Abby

Swamprat

02-02-2008, 11:56 PM

Couple of good old boys...out huntin,
shot a real nice, 10 Point Big buck.

While they were draggin the buck back to the truck, the antlers kept gettin caught up in the trees and branches, and they were havin a hell of a time, and really gettin tired.

They came upon another hunter.

The other hunter says,

"That's a real nice buck ya got there, but if I might offer a suggestion, it might be alot easier draggin him, if ya dragged him by the back legs, instead of the Antlers.
That way his antlers don't get caught up in the brush and stuff, while you're draggin him"

The Good old boys, thought that was a really cool idea, and YES! It was a hell of alot easier, draggin the buck by the back legs!:cool:

After about 2 miles....The first old boy, says to his buddy....

"Ya know, this is a hell of alot easier draggin from the back legs.....
but....
We're gettin a LONG way from the Truck."

johnbellamy

02-04-2008, 09:34 PM

Dave@PSE&G

02-06-2008, 07:08 PM

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food
stamps, free medical care, and free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. “Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says, "I not American,
I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you An American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa!"

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work!"

Swamprat

02-11-2008, 09:58 PM

:D Top this for a speeding ticket

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement
on I-15, North of MCAS Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held
radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching near the crest of a
hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300
miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would
not reset and turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in
fact locked onto a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying
exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a compla int to
the USMC Base Commander.

Back came a reply in true USMC style:

Thank you for the message, which allows us to complete the file on this
incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the
Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto your
hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it.
Furthermore, and air to ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had
also automatically locked onto your equipment. Fortunately the Marine
Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly
responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override
the automated defense system before the missile was launched and
your hostile radar was destroyed.

Thank you for your concerns

loodvig

02-12-2008, 08:25 AM

The Republican Fisherman

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered
her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to
him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would
meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot
air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of
2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes
north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is
technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your
information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much
help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where
you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large
quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea
how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're
in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but,
somehow, now it's my fault."

Swamprat

02-12-2008, 07:33 PM

A five-year-old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch
together, when grandpa pulled a beer out of the cooler. The little boy
asked,'Grandpa, can I have a beer?

Grandpa replied 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

The little boy answered, 'No Grandpa, It's just a little pecker!' Grandpa said,then you're not man enough to have a beer.

A little later Grandpa lit up a cigar. The little boy asked, 'Grandpa, can I have a cigar?' Once again, Grandpa asked, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?''

The little boy answered 'no,' again. Grandpa said, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar.'

A little later,the boy came out of the house with some cookies and milk.
Grandpa asked,'Can I have a cookie?' The boy asked, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?' Grandpa replied, Hell yeah, my pecker can touch my ass!'

The boy replied, 'Then go fu%$ yourself. Grandma made these for me.'

Swamprat

02-13-2008, 11:30 PM

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever at the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital...

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate slice which was complimentary from the last shop.

She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take because for the rest of his life he will require round the clock care! And now you'll be his caretaker!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What'd you buy?'

loodvig

02-14-2008, 05:31 AM

Dear Ted,
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual.
I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious.
He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and
he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd
been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.
I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him any more.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Susie Fox
.....................................

Dear Susie,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line.
If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the problem,
it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Ted

loodvig

02-18-2008, 06:11 AM

Painting a Porch

Wanting to earn some money, Cletus decided to hire himself
out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy
neighborhood. He went to the front door of the first house
and asked the owner if he had any jobs.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

Cletus said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and
told him that the paint and ladders that he might need were
in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the
conversation and said to her husband, "Does he realize that
the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "He should. He was standing on the porch."

A short time later, Cletus came to the door to collect his
money. "You're finished already?" the man asked.

"Yes," Cletus answered, "and I had paint left over, so I
gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And
by the way," Cletus added, "that's not a Porch, it's a
Porsche."

duckhunter

02-19-2008, 06:14 AM

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again ; "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there ."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much..."

duckhunter

02-19-2008, 08:25 AM

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

He never heard the shot....

linescum

02-24-2008, 05:04 PM

One dark night in the small town of Garfield , NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant.

They must besaved.

I will donate $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out
and delivers them to me."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire
departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi , NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance that was as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The "on camera" reporter asked the old Italian fire chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Wella," said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief: "De fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa uppa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!":eek:

linescum

02-24-2008, 05:05 PM

This guy has terrible stomach aches, so he goes to a doctor. The doctor tells him he has a rare parasite, a worm that is huge and many feet long living in his guts, requiring a long and strange treament. the doctor tells him to come back next week with an apple, a mallet and a cookie. So next week the guy returns with the apple, the mallet and the cookie. the doctor tells him to drops trousers and bend over. The doctor places the apple against the guys anus and slams it up his ass with the mallet, BAM! "now we wait five minutes" says the doctor, so the guys waits there with his ass aching, for five minutes, listening to the stupid muzak. after five minutes, the doctor has the guy bend over again, and he slams the cookie up his ass with the mallet. "come back again next week with the mallet, an apple and a cookie", so the guy limps back home. He returnes the following week, and week afer week this treatment continues, BAM!, five minutes, BAM!, and eventually the guy gets used to this painful humiliating procedure. after months go by, the doctor tells the guy to just bring the mallet and the apple, no cookie. so the following week the guy returns with the mallet and apple, and no cookie. The doctor slams the apple up the guys ass per usual, BAM!, and then crouches by his ass wiht the mallet, nervously. 5 minutes go by, 6, 7, then finally this huge, disgusting, puplish worm, shit-covered and reeking, ters its head out of the guys ass. the guy almost faints from the pain, and the worm demands "WHERE IS MY COOKIE?!??!"
BAM!

Pootnaigle

02-24-2008, 07:11 PM

An Old lineman with very few friends and no social life to speak of owned a parrot.Everyday after work he would come home and talk at great lenght with his parrot,Who was well capable of carring on a conversation. This went on for quite a while and the parrot became his best friend.
Suddenly the parrot stopped taking part in the conversations refusing to utter a word.After a week of this the lineman decided to visit with a vet and see if something was wrong with his ole buddy. After examining the bird the vet explained that the male bird had reached maturity and both wanted and needed to breed.The lineman thought to himself No Problem and returned home calling every pet store in the phonebook looking for a fewale parrot. He was told the same thing by all of em that Females were quite rare and extremely hard to locate. The very last pet store told him he didnt have a female but he had a friend that did and could possibly help.Getting the friends phone nunber from the pet store owner he called and was releived to hear that this friend had encountered this situation several times before and was able to help.He then quoted the lineman a fee of 50$ for any assistance rendered., and explained that his was the only female on this side of the continent so if he wanted to get his birdie laid it was gonna cost him.
The lineman thought for a moment and decided that 50$ for his best friend wasn't that bad and agreed.The male bird hearing this may have smiled but still refused to talk. On the way over to visit with the female the lineman complained to his buddy about the cost and how he hoped this would return them to thier prevoius relationship.

On arrival the females owner brought her out in a large cage easily big enough for 2. Collected his money, and openedthe cage door allowing entrance to the now quite horney male. once inside he covered the cage with a dark colored sheet and offered the lineman a beer saying they should be allowed privacy.
the 2 walked into the kitchen and as the lineman was opening his beer a terrible scream came from the room with the darkened cage. He looked up in astonishment at his host who shrugged his shoulders and explained that had never happened before.They went back in the room with the cage and again a loud scream eminated from behind the sheet and feathers were laying on the floor and still more were fallin beneath the sheet. Once again the females owner was at a loss and so they yanked the sheet off the cage and found the male parrot holding the female on her back with one claw around her neck and with the other he was pullin out her feathers, The lineman says good lord man what are you doing? without missing a beat the male replies"

FOR 50$ I WANT THIS BITCH NEKKID

loodvig

02-25-2008, 06:18 AM

Feeding Time

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic
tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The
pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when
it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it
over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting
and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was
a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all
went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out
until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch
you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked."

"I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and
enthusiasm every time.

Dave@PSE&G

03-01-2008, 04:37 PM

Swamprat

03-06-2008, 06:37 PM

Will I Live To Be 80?

Here's something to think about:

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking,
Or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said....

'Then, why do you even give a shit?'

Swamprat

03-08-2008, 03:22 PM

This is one of those Texas stories.

Daughter.......My friends and I want to go out tonight.

Mom.....Where are ya'll going?

Daughter.....To the cowboy bar on the edge of town.

Mom.....I don't think you should. There's been a lot of trouble
at that place. I heard there was a fight there last weekend, and several people got hurt.

Daughter....But mom!! Please!! It'll be okay.

Mom....No, your life is more important than going out.

Daughter...But Tiny is going with us...

Mom...Well, in that case, it should be okay.. Ya'll have fun!!!

chris kennedy

03-09-2008, 10:00 AM

If anyone has an interest A Prairie Companion annual Joke show is on now on NPR.

Squizzy

03-10-2008, 04:07 AM

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers :
Please scroll down.

.

....

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen...now run along and get dinner on and where is my beer...

Squizzy

03-10-2008, 04:08 AM

A tourist walked into a Sydney curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway. He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?"

The owner replied: "It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story."

The tourist gave the owner his $12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, You can keep the story."

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards Watson Bay beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.

By now very concerned. He ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said : "Ah, you've come back for the story then?"

"No," said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim , a couple of Asians, a Poof, a Collingwood supporter and anything Aboriginal.

loodvig

03-10-2008, 05:30 AM

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a
special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday
morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a
drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his
granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really
didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to
the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter
out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran
upstairs to see her grandfather.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"

"Oh yes, PaPa" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We
didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shithead anywhere
we went today!"

Squizzy

03-10-2008, 06:51 AM

Ha ha ha ha sounds like something my boy would say to dump me in it:D :D

Squizzy

03-10-2008, 06:58 AM

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar that had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.

The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg.

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learning' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.

" "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the Piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much.

Squizzy

03-12-2008, 07:34 AM

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
the last on e is great!
Have
you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he kn ew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without
thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls"

THIRD TEST IMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold
of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have
you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No"
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was
getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of
Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

loodvig

03-14-2008, 04:33 AM

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they
know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks
when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the
bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes
that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then
put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your
first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's
all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say,
"That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's
falling off the table you always manage to knock something
else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in
summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE...

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons
are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your
three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Alan Mac

03-15-2008, 08:17 AM

think too hard before opening your mouth. I thought this one would follow on nice from the ones Squizzy posted. Hand on heart, this happened - to me.

I was suffering a few years ago with a nasty ulcer on my tonsils. I was home for the day, and had no car so I walked the two miles to the nearest pharmacy, and all the way there was going through my head "What do you reccommend for ulcerated tonsils?"

I got to the front of a long queue and there was still a good queue behind me. I was face to face with a beautiful brunette pharmacist, I opened my mouth and what came out was "What do you reccommend for ulcerated testicles?"

Fortunately, she saw the funny side, whilst everyone else had a great laugh.
The tablets I got worked though!

Mac

loodvig

03-16-2008, 03:23 PM

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad
and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What
would you do if you realized that two trains were heading
towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down
there", answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the
inspector.

"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone
to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and
use the public phone near the station".

"What if that had been vandalized?"

"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and
get my Uncle Leo".

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do
that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash."

staggerlee

03-19-2008, 11:36 AM

An Irish man went to confession in St.Patrick's Catholic Church.
Father, he confessed, 'It has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Marys.'
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but enough.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, ' No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes.'

Swamprat

03-22-2008, 06:42 PM

REDNECK LENT

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up
his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all
of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic, and since it
was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on
Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison
steaks was causing such a problem for the
Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their
priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested
that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended
Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over
him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and
raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.'
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until
Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of
grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest
was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he
rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and
prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in
amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy
water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling
meat and chanted: 'You wuz born a deer, you wuz
raised a deer, but now you a catfish.

loodvig

03-23-2008, 04:13 AM

Farm Kid

(Now at Camp Pendleton Basic Training Facility)

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the
Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them
to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly
6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and
Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine
some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to
split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,
bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak,
fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and
Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee.
Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed
again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long
walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell
him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox
at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in
trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The
Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride
around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls -eye is near
as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting
at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie
there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own
cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get
to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though,
they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull
at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug
Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined
up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's
6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other
fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

chris kennedy

03-23-2008, 08:55 AM

1263

filler....

IN THE SHADOWS

03-23-2008, 07:15 PM

A beautiful young lady falls of a cruise ship and washes up on a deserted tropical island. A couple days go by and she decides to go exploring. Walking through the jungle she comes to a clearing and low and behold she spots Tarzan across the clearing humping the hell out of a knot hole in a coconut tree. She walks across the clearing up behind Tarzan. Tarzan sees the the young woman and is so startled he stops humping the tree and just stands and stares. She says "its ok Tarzan..... you dont have to stop but I have a hole like that too and points to her crotch. The lady is thinking wow..Tarzan has probebly never seen a woman before and doesnt understand. So she proceeds to take off all her clothes and lays down in the grass in front of him spread eagled. She points between her legs and says "look Tarzan...I have hole like that too...Why dont you try sticking your big unit in this hole?." Tarzan hauls off and kicks the young lady as hard as he can. Lady screams and yells at Tarzan.." Why did you do that Tarzan....That hurt!!!!! He replies " Tarzan always first check for squirrell"

loodvig

03-27-2008, 08:54 AM

Classes for Men

Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents,
each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each.

Topic 1 - How to fill up the ice cube trays. Step by step, with
slide presentation.

Topic 2 - The toilet paper roll: Do they grow on the holders?
Roundtable discussion.

Topic 3 - How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering birthdays,
anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're
going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full
lobotomies offered.

Topic 4 - Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and
the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 5 - The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they
levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.

Topic 6 - Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your significant
other. Helpline support and support groups.

Topic 7 - Learning how to find things, starting with looking in
the right place instead of turning the house upside down while
screaming. Open forum.

Topic 8 - Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful to
your health. Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 9 - Real men ask for directions when lost. Real life
testimonials.

Topic 10 - Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she
parallel parks? Driving simulation.

Topic 11 - Learning to live: Basic differences between your
mother and your wife. Online class and role playing.

Topic 12 - How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation
exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

**Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to
the survivors.**

loodvig

03-29-2008, 04:22 AM

George W. Bush & Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same
barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a
different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were
both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn
to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton
in his chair reached for the after shave. Clinton was quick
to stop him saying, "No thanks; Hillary will smell that and
think I've been in a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?"

Bush replied, "Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside
of a whorehouse smells like."

loodvig

04-03-2008, 04:08 PM

These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh... I was gettin' laid.
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you for real? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
__________________________________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
__________________________________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
__________________________________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
__________________________________________________ _______
And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

loodvig

04-07-2008, 02:13 PM

Little Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was trying
to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a
sign 'FREE KITTENS' next to them.

Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up with a policeman
on a motorcycle in front. The cars all stopped and a tall man
stepped out from the biggest car.

"Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?" he asked.
"Kittens," Little Suzy says, "They're so small, their eyes are
not even open yet." "What kind of kittens are they?" he asked.
"Democrats," says Little Suzy.

The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they all drove away.

Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign
manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens. It
was planned that they would return the next day, have all the
media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.

The next day, Little Suzy is standing out on the corner with her
box of kittens with the 'FREE KITTENS' sign and the big
motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks
from ABC, NBC, CBS, FOXNews and CNN.

Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Sen. Obama got out
of his limo and walked up to Little Suzy.

"Now, don't be frightened," he said, "I just want you to tell
all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're
giving away today."

"Yes sir," Suzy said, "They are all REPUBLICAN kittens."

Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, "But yesterday, you told me
that they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Suzy says, "Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes
open."

loodvig

04-09-2008, 05:41 AM

NO COPPER WIRE FOUND IN ADEL DIG

After having dug to a depth of 10 yards last year, New York
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back100 years
and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had
a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that
followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 yards,
and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read:
'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old
copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already
had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred
years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, "The Valdosta Daily Times" and "ADEL NEWS",
local newspapers in SOUTH Georgia, reported the following:

After digging as deep as 30 yards in cotton fields near Adel
in Cook County, Bubba Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist,
reported that he found absolutely nothing.

Bubba has therefore concluded that "300 years ago, Georgia
had already gone wireless."

loodvig

04-09-2008, 05:53 AM

Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two
kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice
children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't.
Oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think
they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't
believe you got laid twice."

duckhunter

04-09-2008, 02:41 PM

Hey Lood,
I just got back from Topsfield, I was seeing my new grandchild. I thought I was going to freeze. It was warmer in MI. When will Spring arrive in MA?

LostArt

04-09-2008, 08:33 PM

Wireless in Adel.........I've been through Adel, GA (near Valdosta) a many of time. And I'm sure I've run into a bubba or two! :D

Duck, it's summer here! In the dag gum 80's! Jeeze, you boys are season slow. :D

Okay....don't know if this has been posted or not but a good ole Marine buddy of mine sent this to me! Heck, and I'm not 50 yet! His reply was..."Don't let this happen to you." Why....I outta......

A woman decided to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think Iam?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50", the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say around 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let Me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead.
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast leaving nothing untouched.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze and removes his hands and says, "Madam, you are 50 years old."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise, I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's