How About A Joke Thread [Archive] - Page 4

loodvig

07-02-2008, 08:07 AM

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's: Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's: Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, "I Got Worms."

In your 60's: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog **** off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in you pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog **** on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Because you're too vain for a hearing aid, when you Fart out loud - you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

loodvig

07-06-2008, 07:31 AM

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK-SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER!
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS
9. QUIET PLEASE WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. EXTRA STROKES NOT PERMISSIBLE.

WELL DONE!

NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF!

duckhunter

07-11-2008, 07:58 AM

Guys, please read carefully...

A "HEADS UP" for men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping at Home Depot. Simply going out to repair or beautify your home has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends!

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your purchases into the trunk. Both girls start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex; their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look!

When you thank them and offer them a tip they say "No" that's OK and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing!

Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th and 29th.

Also June 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, three times last Saturday, Father's day and yesterday the 16th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful!

FYI Wal-Mart has wallets on sale $3.99 each

wtdoor67

07-11-2008, 03:40 PM

Yeah I guess once the Democrats die out there won't be anything but The Log Cabin Republicans. Ha!

If you think Homo's won't reproduce you need to check with **** (5 deferments) Cheney's Lesbo daughter and maybe Sen. (Tap, Tap) Craig.

Squizzy

07-15-2008, 10:27 AM

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that ***** knows I'm smarter than her.

neil macgregor

07-18-2008, 10:45 AM

a walks into a bar he says ...........ouch!

RWD

07-18-2008, 04:52 PM

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM ON A BUDGET:

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Hey Bubba, Duke & Slim,

I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

P. S. I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside."

loodvig

07-27-2008, 08:24 AM

Mexican Hurricane

A catagory 5 hurricane hits Mexico. Two million Mexicans die and
over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the
government doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to
rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the
riots. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American countries
are sending supplies.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million
Mexicans to replace the dead ones.

God bless America!

duckhunter

08-08-2008, 04:59 PM

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with
my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a
bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was
wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He
said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to
worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled
slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he
didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him
completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat
there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15
minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my
caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his
thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

loodvig

08-08-2008, 05:54 PM

New Windows Messages

The following are new Windows messages that were under consideration
for Windows Vista:

1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"

9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

12. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

13. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

14. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

15. User Error: Replace user.

16. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

17. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been

deleted. The police are on the way.

Squizzy

08-12-2008, 12:02 PM

A man in a hot air balloon is lost. He goes further and further.
He sees a woman on the ground. He sinks lower and calls:
"Excuse me, can you help me? I have promised a friend
that I would only be up for an hour, and I do not know where I am. "
The woman on the ground replies:
"You are in a hot air balloon at about 10 m in height above ground. You are on the 49th Degrees, 28 minutes and 11 seconds north latitude and 8 Degrees, 28 minutes
and 58 seconds east longitude. "

"You have to be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"Am I," replied the woman, "how do you know that?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything they told me is technically correct, but I have no idea where to start with your information, and the fact is that I still do not know where I am. Frankly, you were not a big help. You have extended my trip and even further delayed it. "

The woman replied:
"You have to be in management."
"Yes," replied the balloonist, "but how do you know that?"

"Well," says the woman, "You do not know where you are, nor where you go. And have used a large amount of hot air to get to your current position. You have made a promise which you have no idea how you can fulfill and expect the people below you to fix your problems.

In fact, you are now in the same position as before our meeting, but strangely I am somehow to blame! "

Squizzy

08-29-2008, 04:23 PM

A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.'

The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 50-year old arse?'

'Your name never came up,' she replied..!!

loodvig

09-08-2008, 09:23 AM

All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama have sold out of ammunition as of yesterday.

A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure ain't doin' it to Alabama.

Pootnaigle

09-08-2008, 09:04 PM

Years ago me and a lineman buddy had to take his mom to a hospital for some tests. While we went outside to burn a butt in the smokin area he noticed a dawg lickin his nuts and said" Man I wish I cud do that"
I told him maybe if you pet him first he would let ya... He dint see the humor but a few others did.........

Squizzy

09-13-2008, 11:10 AM

BigClive

09-13-2008, 08:59 PM

A guy is on a beach and sees a dude surrounded by pretty girls. He wanders over to ask why.

Guy:- "Hey dude, how do you get all the pretty girls?"
Dude:- "It's easy, I just stick a large potato down my pants."

The guy heads off to try it out, but later on he goes back over to the dude.

Guy:- "I stuck the potato down my pants but I still ain't getting any girls."
Dude:- "Ummm, you're supposed to stick it down the FRONT of your pants!"

wtdoor67

09-13-2008, 11:00 PM

The reason a dog licks himself is because he can't make a fist.

Two old maids lived together. One day while driving a nail into the wall for a picture to hang one began to swear and wring her hand. The other said. What's the matter did you hit your f#%king finger? She replied. No but it was the one right next to it.

Knew an old man once who said. When I get home I'm going to have a fight with my wife. Someone said. How's that? He said. Well if supper ain't ready I'm gonna raise hell. If it is I ain't gonna eat.

The mentally challenged lad went to high school. Since he was very strong and strapping he was urged to play football. He repeatedly refused. Finally he relented. He was dressed in his football togs and given the ball on the first play and made a tremendous run downfield before he was gang tackled. When things finally cleared up he ran straight to the dressing room and began to remove his gear. The coach followed and began to praise him and exhorted him not to quit. The lad continued removing his gear. The coach asked. Why are you quitting? The lad said. Coach we wuz all twisted up in that pile and I looked and right in front of my face were some testicles. I just bit down on them. Coach, I never had anything hurt me so much in all my life.

LostArt

09-14-2008, 12:52 AM

:D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JtS2PGXPUTs&feature=related

Squizzy

09-15-2008, 04:43 AM

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was

closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed

it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.

Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older

alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you.

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.

Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he

drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling.

We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader

or I will fire"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that!

I don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the

pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion

A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off

his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards

away in a cactus patch

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he

refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked

dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking

his big green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien

"He dam near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy

friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my

intergalactic travels, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around

himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess

with him!"

johnbellamy

09-20-2008, 11:17 PM

I find this bottle that says rub me,

A genie appears and says it will grant 3 wishes, but he said there is a catch, for every wish you get a Rat lineman will get twice as much.

Ok I wish for $1,000,000, granted he tells me, $2,000,000 for every Rat.

Ok I wish for my own Island, full of beatiful women take care of my every desire, granted he tells me, but you know the Rats get twice as much.

I say I know what I'm doin, trust me.

Your third and final wish he asked, Ok I wish you beat me half to death.:cool:

Squizzy

09-21-2008, 12:51 PM

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks ,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed ,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.

Squizzy

09-23-2008, 07:25 PM

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:-

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.

Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while
they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

22. OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make
the Tennessee Titans?

23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one
enjoys it?

24. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when
you send it by sea it is called cargo?

25. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365
days a year, why are there locks on the door?

loodvig

10-14-2008, 08:10 AM

Qantas Airlines: Repair Division
In case you need a laugh: Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "Gripe Sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. >
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. >>

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. >
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. >>

P: Something loose in cockpit. >
S: Something tightened in cockpit. >>

P: Dead bugs on windshield. >
S: Live bugs on back-order. >>

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute> Descent. >
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. >>

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. >
S: Evidence removed. >>

P: DME volume unbelievably loud. >
S: DME volume set to more believable level. >>

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. >
S: That's what friction locks are for. >>

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. >
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. >>

P: Suspected crack in windshield. >
S: Suspect you're right. >>

P: Number 3 engine missing. >
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. >>

P: Aircraft handles funny........... (I love this one!)>
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. >>

P: Target radar hums. >
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. >>

P: Mouse in cockpit. >
S: Cat installed. >>

And the best one for last.................. >>>>
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer. >
S: Took hammer away from midget.>

Squizzy

10-27-2008, 04:18 AM

This is so true ,we all know this don't we ????

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom.
The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and
ideals.
So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a
very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the
answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?... What do women really want? Such a question would
perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed
an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted
the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the

priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone,

but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would
have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the

kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to
the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree
to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the
Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only
one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never

encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden;

but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and
the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question
thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered.... is to be in charge of her
own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a
great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and
Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a
horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him.
The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The
astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she
appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self
only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament.
During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at
night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer
having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to

enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below.
BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the
time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her
own life.
Now .what is the moral to this story?

Scroll
down

The
moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

Squizzy

10-29-2008, 09:39 AM

This Is A Story About A Couple Who Had
Been Happily Married For Years.

The Only Friction In Their Marriage Was
The Husband's Habit Of Farting
Loudly Every Morning When He Awoke.
The Noise Would Wake His Wife And

The Smell Would Make Her Eyes
Water And Make Her Gasp For Air.

Every Morning She Would Plead With Him To
Stop Ripping Them Off Because It Was Making Her Sick.
He Told Her He Couldn't. Stop It And
That It Was Perfectly Natural.
She Told Him To See A Doctor,
She Was Concerned That One Day
He Would Blow His Guts Out.

The Years Went By And He Continued To Rip Them Out.
Then One Thanksgiving Morning As She
Was Preparing The Turkey For Dinner
And He Was Upstairs Sound Asleep,
She Looked At The Innards And Neck,
Gizzard, Liver And All The Spare Parts
And A Malicious Thought Came To Her.

She Took The Bowl And Went Upstairs Where
Her Husband Was Sound Asleep And,
Gently Pulling The Bed Covers Back,
She Pulled Back The Elastic Waistband Of
His Underpants And Emptied The Bowl
Of Turkey Guts Into His Shorts

Some Time Later She Heard Her Husband
Waken With His Usual Trumpeting Which Was
Followed By A Blood Curdling Scream
And The Sound Of Frantic Foot Steps
As He Ran Into The Bath Room.
The Wife Could Hardly Control Herself
As She Rolled On The Floor Laughing,
Tears In Her Eyes!
After Years Of Torture She Reckoned
She Had Got Him Back Pre Tt Y Good.

About Twenty Minutes Later,
Her Husband Came Downstairs In His
Bloodstained Underpants With A
Look Of Horror On His Face.
She Bit Her Lip As She Asked
Him What Was The Matt Er.

He Said, 'honey You Were Right.'
'all These Years You Have Warned
Me And I Didn't Listen To You.'

'what Do You Mean?'
Asked His Wife.

'well, You Always Told Me That One Day
I Would End Up Farting My Guts Out,
And Today It Finally Happened.'

But By The Grace Of God, Some
Vaseline And Two Fingers.
I Think I Got Most Of Them Back In.

LAMartin.CVEC

10-29-2008, 09:57 PM

There was a big high line job out in Colorado lattice structures running through the mountains and most of the crews and equipment were pushed and pulled into the structures with dozers every day.

The big job had been going pretty smooth for the most part.. all the footers were in and most of the steel had been flown in and caught. when all of a sudden a winch line busted sending a whole fiveman crew down the side of a mountain to their deaths.

Well in the blink of an eye all five of them were standing in line at the pearly gates waiting on St. Peter to give them the yea or nay.

After an hour or so of waiting the groundman was getting kinda worried so he just sorta eased up to St. Pete and asked "hey bud whats the hold up?"

St. Peter looked down at him and said "well theres been a terrible earthquake down on Earth and we're just trying to figure out if all the rooms are ready... and we're just a little backed up because were not sure if we have enuff room at the moment."

the old grunt just looked at him for a second then asked well me and my linemine buddies over there just want to know if we made it what gives? it''l make the waiting easier for us"

St. Peter looked down at his book and over at the motley crew of lineman and back at his book. "Yes it appear that all of you made it but youre just gonna have to wait we don't have any room at the moment."

The old ground hand wipe the sweet from his brow relieved, "Well that is AWESOME! Hey since I made it you mind if I just slip on in and see if and of my old linebuddies made it up here? that way you can just get a hold of me when ever your ready?"

St. Peter rubbed his beard and scratched his head then finially said "sure I don't see why not! Welcome to Heaven!" and let the the old grunt slide into the pearly gates.

He went back to his book and to sorting out all the people in line...then about 15 minitues later there came a beatin' and bangin' and cussin' the likes of which had never been seen or heard on that side of the great divide

suddenly the pearly gates where kicked open from the inside and out came 40 Journeyman Lineman belts and hooks slung over their shoulders yellin and spittin and cussin there way right out of Heaven and stomping right down the HighWay to Hell...

Saint Peter was in SHOCK! 10 seconds later the old grunt came trotting out behind.

the old grunt looked up at St. Peter and asked "hey you got roome for me and my crew now?"

stuttering "Yessss... Yes I believe we do" he said

The old grunt yelled back at the lineman and told them to come on come on! The lineman strolled on into the pearlygates with the grunt quickly behind...

"Wait!" St. Peter said to the grunt.

"What did to say to those lineman that they would give up the glory of the Heavens?"St.Peter asked as the grunt turned around.

"Well I just told them that they were working 7 16's down below and I guess it just goes to show ya." the Groundman said

"Show you What?" asked the bewildered saint.

the old grunt just winked and said "It just goes to show ya that even a GOOD Lineman will go to hell for OVERTIME!"

Squizzy

10-31-2008, 10:27 AM

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:

I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through.

So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.

Amen!'

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,

Set out their school clothes,

Fed them breakfast,

Packed their lunches,

Drove them to school,

Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,

Took it to the cleaners

And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,

Went grocery shopping,

Then drove home to put away the groceries,

Paid the bills and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then, it was already 01P.M.

And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,

Dust,

And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.

Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper,

He cleaned the kitchen,

Ran the dishwasher,

Folded laundry,

Bathed the kids,

And put them to bed.

At 09 P.M .

He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.

I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.

Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.

Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night..'

Squizzy

11-02-2008, 07:28 PM

An Indian tracker is taking some pioneers through the plains in the mid-1800's. Suddenly he stops and points. "Bear have babies." He says.
One of the younger pioneers runs up and asks, "How'd you know that!?."
"I know these things," replied the Indian.
They continue their journey, and a little while later the Indian stops, points, and says, "deer tracks."
"How'd you know that!?" asks the young pioneer once again.
"I know these things."
After another hour of journeying, the Indian jumps of his horse and puts his ear to the ground. "Buffalo come."
"How'd you know that!?"
"Ear wet."

Squizzy

11-04-2008, 06:54 AM

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out on someone,
don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don't know,
but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying
'Hello.'

I politely said,
'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn 's correct number to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an *******!'
and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word '*******' next to it,
and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks,
when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an *******!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my theraputic '*******'
calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled
'NO!'
and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an *******!'
and hung up.

One day I was at the store,
getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.

Some guy in a black BMW
cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later,
right after calling the first *******
(I had his number on speed dial,)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW *******, too.

I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said,
'Yes, it is.'

I then asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said,
'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ..
It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front'

I asked,
'What's your name?'

He said,
'My name is Don Hansen,'

I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said,
'Yes?'

I said,
'Don, you're an *******!'

Then I hung up,
and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem,
I had two *******s to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called ******* #1.

He said,
'Hello.'

I said,
'You're an *******!'
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked,
'Are you still there?'

I said,
'Yeah!'

He screamed,
'Stop calling me,'

I said,
'Make me,'

He asked,
'Who are you?'

I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said,
'*******, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,
a yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******,'
and hung up.

Then I called ******* #2.

He said,
'Hello?'

I said,
'Hello, *******,'

He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said,
'You'll what?'

He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your ass,'

I answered,
'Well, *******, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,
and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax ..

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax ..

I got there just in time to watch two *******s
beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

Squizzy

11-19-2008, 07:43 AM

What does Michael Jackson and The White House have in common?

They both appear white on the outside but we all know there is a black man inside.

staggerlee

11-26-2008, 01:52 PM

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call centre in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

IronLine

11-26-2008, 03:59 PM

'Ol MacGregor was sittin' at the bar one night just slamming shot after shot of good 'ol Irish Whiskey. Around 2 a.m. the bartender told him he had to get the hell out, it was time to go home. So MacGregor drunkenly agreed, and fell right off his barstool.

He dragged his way across the floor out the door.

He crawled all the way back to his house and managed to pull himself in the door.

He finally made it to his bedroom and pulled himself into bed next to his wife. The next morning he woke up and looked at his wife and said "Honey I got so bloody wasted last night!"

She looks over at him with a sigh and says
"I know, you left your **** wheelchair at the bar again"

Squizzy

11-27-2008, 08:54 AM

What is the difference between a Harley Davison and a vacuum cleaner??

The position of the dirt bag....

THE KID

12-05-2008, 12:29 AM

A rural Kentucky farmer's wife came home just in time to find her Husband in bed with another woman.
She was so mad - she grabbed him by
the hair of his head and yanked him right

out of bed and across the room, she dragged him down the stairs,out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn.

She put his tally-whacker in a vice, and then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up a old rusty saw.

The banged up farmer was terrified, and hollered, 'Stop! Stop!

You're not Gonna cut it off with that rusty

**** saw, are You? '

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, 'Nope.

I'm gonna set this old shed on fire and go to town for a cold beer.

You do what you gotta do!!!

Squizzy

12-10-2008, 05:53 PM

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of **** in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.

Squizzy

12-14-2008, 03:21 AM

Things You Can Only Say At Christmas.

1: I prefer breasts to legs.

2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.

4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst !

5: I've never seen a better spread!

6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.

7: Are you ready for seconds yet ?

8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it ?

9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some !

10: Don't play with your meat !

11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once ?

13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time !

14: You still have a little bit on your chin.

15: How long will it take after you put it in ?

16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had !

19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.

20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.

Squizzy

12-17-2008, 04:18 AM

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day��

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
--

Orgnizdlbr

12-20-2008, 05:54 PM

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness.
Someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster , Ohio forwarded the following letter.

[The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today]

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely, Edna

I believe that is an excellent example of Poetic Justice....!!!! LMAO!http://www.avowners.com/forum/smileys/ass844.gif

LostArt

12-23-2008, 10:58 AM

Doctors Opinions Of The Bail Out Package.
The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some *******s in Washington .

Chazz2771

01-02-2009, 05:11 PM

My GF came in the show-up and told this one the other morning
GF: What is the bird that symbolizes freedom?

One of us: The Bald Eagle

GF: Right, now what is the bird that symbolizes wisdom?

One of us: The Owl

GF: Right, now which bird symbolizes love?

One of us: The Dove

GF: That's right, now what bird symbolizes true love?

We all scratched our heads.

The GF replies, "The Swallow":D

Boomer gone soft

01-08-2009, 07:05 PM

A grumpy old lineman walks into a bar and right up to bar fly. He says, "I'm a man of few words....wanna f#$%?" She replies, "Your place or mine?" The lineman walks off muttering, "You wanna argue about? Forget it!"

THE KID

01-09-2009, 12:01 AM

>> She was standing in the kitchen
>>
>> Preparing to poach eggs for breakfast,
>>
>> Wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
>>
>> As I walked in almost awake,
>>
>> She turned and said softly,
>>
>> 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
>>
>> My eyes lit up and I thought,
>>
>> 'I am either still dreaming or
>>
>> This is going to be my lucky day.'
>>
>> Not wanting to lose the moment,
>>
>> I embraced her and then gave it my all;
>>
>> Right there on the kitchen table.
>>
>> Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her
>>
>> 'T' shirt still around her neck.
>>
>> A l ittle puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
>>
>> She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

THE KID

01-09-2009, 12:12 AM

Roping A Deer------- (Names have been removed to protect the Stupid!)
Actual letter from someone who farms, and writes well!

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall,
feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that,
since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much
fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up
and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not
4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and
toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and
transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.
They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a
likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw
my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have
a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could
tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension
on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand
there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to
action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT
stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I
could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no
controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me
off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me
that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had
originally imagined.

The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many
other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk
me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few
minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood
flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for
corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end
of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck,
it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was
no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the
thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had
cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against
various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think
clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I
shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I
didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to
get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I
had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my
rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would
have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised
when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of
my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where
they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its
head -almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and
draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was
ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several
minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim
by now), tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I
reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got
my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on
their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and
their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that,
when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and
you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud
noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal.

This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery
would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different
strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a
horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit
you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses
after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because
the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head
and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not
immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has
passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on
you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering
your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why, when people go deer hunting, they bring a rifle
with a scope to sort of even the odds.

thrasher

01-12-2009, 09:51 AM

A store that sells new husbands has
> opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the
> instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store
> operates:
>
>
>
> You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
> There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper
> ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or
> may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to
> exit the building!
>
>
>
> So, a woman goes to the Husband
> Store to find a husband. On the first floor the
> sign on the door reads:
>
>
>
> Floor 1 - These men Have
> Jobs.
>
>
>
> She is intrigued, but continues to
> the second floor, where the sign reads:
>
>
>
> Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and
> Love Kids.
>
>
>
> 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I
> want more.'
>
>
>
> So she continues upward. The third
> floor sign reads:
>
>
>
> Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love
> Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
>
>
>
> 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels
> compelled to keep going.
>
>
>
> She goes to the fourth floor and
> the sign reads:
>
>
>
> Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love
> Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
>
>
>
> 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I
> can hardly stand it!'
>
>
>
> Still, she goes to the fifth floor
> and the sign reads:
>
>
>
> Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love
> Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with the Housework, and Have a Strong
> Romantic Streak.
>
>
>
> She is so tempted to stay, but she
> goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
>
>
>
> Floor 6 - You are visitor
> 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists
> solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at
> the Husband Store.
>
>
>
> PLEASE NOTE:
>
>
>
> To avoid gender bias charges, the
> store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
>
>
>
> The first floor has wives that love
> sex.
>
>
>
> The second floor has wives that
> love sex, have money and like beer.
>
>
>
> The third, fourth, fifth and sixth
> floors have never been visited.

wtdoor67

01-12-2009, 10:11 AM

The man with no arms applied for a job ringing the church bell. The pastor was skeptical but when the man demonstrated he could press his face against the bell and manage to ring it he was given the job. Eventually he was careless and slipped and fell to his death. The church members gathered around and no one recognized the dead man. Finally one ventured. "I can't recall what his name is but his face sure rings a bell."

The dead man's identical twin brother heard of an opening for a bell ringer. He also had no arms. He was given the job and eventually just like his brother fell to his death. Again the church members couldn't recognize him. As they were standing there one said. "I don't know who he is but he's a dead ringer for that other guy."

loodvig

01-12-2009, 12:10 PM

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher here in southern California, was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Harry (senator (D) from Nevada) Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory.

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription:
'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

! So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their mutual great-great uncle.

Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:
'Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.'
That's real POLITICAL SPIN! THAT is how it's done folks! .

LostArt

01-15-2009, 08:03 AM

Ya'll can make fun of it all ya want to, but this is so true! :D Had a parent bring in a new student this week. As he was about to leave he says, "I think I could listen to you all day." LOL! I told him, "If only my husband could." :D

THE SOUTH --- YOU GOTTA LOVE IT

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off
in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone,
staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's
Henry?' the others asked.

'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of
miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied. 'You left Henry laying
out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.

'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal
Henry.'

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out
of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping
garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'.

'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says: 'Fine For
Dumping Garbage'.

Louisiana

A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end
of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .' When asked why, he
replied, 'Because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the
rest of the civilized world.'

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store
and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck
from the parking lot!'

Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'

The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'

Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The
trooper asked, 'Got any I. D. ?'

The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the
side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the
car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby
studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went
back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'

The passerby asked, 'But what's with the
flowers?'

The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you
to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no
sense to me neither.'

Tennessee

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He
called her into his office and said, You graduated from the University of
Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%,
how much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,
'Everything but my earrings.

South Carolina

'You can say what you want about the South, but I
ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.'

Pootnaigle

01-15-2009, 07:17 PM

A young couple that were both deaf mutes were about to be married. The young man wanted to make a pact with his wife to be. So using sign language he explained............ If I want to have sex with you I will squeeze your right breast One time and If I dont I will squeeze your left breast 2 times........... If you wish to have sex you should pull my penis once and if you dont You should pull my penis 75 times

Pootnaigle

01-16-2009, 06:48 PM

Interesting what some people think is "funny"....
"Jokes" tell alot about a person.;)

Not neary as much as what Your posts say about You, Sorry if I offended yer sense of humor.

wtdoor67

01-16-2009, 08:28 PM

The 2 bulls conversed after being separated for awhile. One said. "What has your past year been like?" The other said. "Wonderful, I was in a pasure with 25 young heifers." "How about yourself?" The second bull replied. "Oh hell, I was alone in this pasture with this ****ed old lonesome steer. All he wanted to talk about was his operation."

Here's one for dirty poontangle. The young farm boy led his family's lone milk cow over to the neighbors corral to have the cow bred by the neighbor's bull. The 2 animals were placed in the corral together and the neighbor's daughter came out and with the boy watched the 2 animals have sex. The lad looked over at the girl and slyly said. "Boy I wish I was doing that." The girl replied. "Why not? It's your cow isn't it?"

The woman walked near the church and passed a priest. She said. "Mass out?" The priest replied. "No, but your slip is showing."

The veterinarian answered a late phone call. The woman on the phone explained that her dogs were having sex and were apparently hung up. She wanted how she could get them separated. The vet. said. Why not call them on the telephone? The woman said. Will that work? The vet. replied. Worked with me.

THE KID

01-17-2009, 11:09 PM

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance
and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another
career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided
to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college,
signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned
all he could. When the time for the practical exam
approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks
and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he
had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called
the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful
for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an
error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine
apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.
"You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is
also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra
50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've
never seen done in my entire life.

LostArt

01-19-2009, 12:45 PM

A man seeking to join a south Texas Sheriff's Department is
being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview says:

"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test
that you must take before you can be accepted".

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six
illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?", the man asked. "Great attitude," says the Sergeant.
"When can you start?"

IronLine

01-21-2009, 11:05 PM

Two guys were driving down a country road one day, one was from Montana the other from Florida. As they are driving along the Montana fella sees a sheep with its head stuck in the fence, he whoops out loud, pulls the car over with a screech of tires and runs over to the sheep.

He drops his trousers and starts going to town on the sheep, as he's doin' his business he looks over his shoulder at his buddy and says "Hey! You want to try this?!"

The guy from Florida shrugs, steps out of the car and sticks his head in the fence.

IronLine

01-22-2009, 06:54 AM

Yeah....**** kids.... :rolleyes:

A foreman about your age told me that one Swampy. You prefer jokes about crapping in your pants?

IronLine

01-28-2009, 06:59 AM

Ugh....Reminds me of that chick that chased me...

IN THE SHADOWS

01-30-2009, 11:07 AM

>
> In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always
> died in the same bed,
> on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am , regardless of
> their medical
> condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought
> it had something to do with
> the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why
> the deaths
> occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of
> experts was assembled to
> investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday
> morning, a few
> minutes before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses
> nervously waited outside the
> ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon
> was all about. Some
> were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy
> objects to ward
> off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00 ,
> Pookie Johnson, the
> part-time Sunday sweeper , entered the ward and unplugged
> the life support
> system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
>
>
> Still Having a Bad Day????
>
> The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon
> Valdez Oil spill
> in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of
> the most
> expensively saved animals were being released back into the
> wild amid cheers and
> applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
> killer whale ate them
> both.
>
> Still think you are having a Bad Day????
>
> A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen
> shaking frantically,
> almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire
> running from his waist
> towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away
> from the deadly
> current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood,
> breaking his arm in two
> places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening
> to his Walkman.
>
> Are Ya OK Now? - No?
>
> Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty
> of sending pigs
> to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two
> thousand pigs
> broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding
> madly. The two
> helpless protesters were trampled to death.
>
> What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????
>
> Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough
> postage on a letter bomb.
> It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on
> it. Forgetting it was the
> bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!
>
> There now, Feeling Better?

Dave@PSE&G

02-02-2009, 12:36 PM

Union Rules & Hookers

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No", she replied, "I'm sorry but it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" She replied "the house gets $80 and the girls get $20".

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
The madam replied "the girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "Well that's more like it!' the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed red head. "I'd like her," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner,

"but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according
to union rules, she's next." :eek:

Bigheadnc

02-02-2009, 02:38 PM

LOL, LOL.

:cool:

wtdoor67

02-02-2009, 10:38 PM

The Gynocologist was burned out and decided on a career change. After much research he decided to train as a mechanic so he went to the local vo-tech and enrolled. The first test came up and he studied and went to all his labs diligently. The test came and he anxiously checked the bulletin board for his score. He was pleased to note that he had scored the highest in the class, but somewhat puzzled because his score was 150 %. He met with the instructor to find why his score was so high.

He said. I thought a perfect score was 100%, why did I get 150%? The instructor replied. Well you disassembled the engine perfectly, that was good for 50%. You reassembled it perfectly, that was another 50%. However I gave you a bonus of 50% because you did it all through the muffler. I've just never seen that done in my entire life.

A rather worldly young woman had recently married her 3rd husband. She was quite a beauty and had been previously been married to a Doctor and a Lawyer. In conversing with her friend she confided that her latest husband was employed as a shadetree mechanic and was far the superior lover. Her friend querried. How so? Honey she said. My Doctor husband always wanted to make an examination. My Lawyer husband was always working on a case. My current husband, the mechanic. Honey, he tore that thing apart on our wedding night and he's been working on it ever since.

The little black kid was walking down the road wearing a large cowboy hat. A cowboy on horseback came riding by. "Hey sonny, you want a ride?" the cowboy asked. "Sure". Replied the little boy. He climbed up behind the cowboy. Soon the cowboy said. "Say, you ever have sex with a cow?" "Oh no suh." Replied the youngster. After a little pause the cowboy said. "You ever have sex with a horse?" "Oh no suh." Replied the little boy. "I ain't a real cowboy, I just found this hat."

Since Swampgas has such a delicate sense of humor, here's one for him. A man chasd a yng gurl n 2 a feld an bgin to rmve hur cloths. Shi laghed, bcose shi new thay wldnt fet hem.

thee keds et scool weir tld bye thee titcher 2 drw sumthin xcitin on thee bord. thee furst ked drw a line and thee ticher sad oh the kink uf beist, vury scery. thee secund drw a elephanit. thee tiche sad oa an elephanit, vury bag an stronge. thee thurd ked mad a dot. thee ticher sad. whut iss thet? thee letle buoy sad a peroid. thee ticher sad whut iss xciting bout thet? thee letle buoy sad. i doan no, butt my sis mised wun an it cassed a lot of xcitment round hour hse.

GWBush & Swimpgas wer makin a spich at a indin reservatin. i wil brine bak thee bufelos an all thee wile anemells GW sad. thee indins yiled. oompah, oompah. GW wuz doin goot Swimpy thot. Ladder thee indins giv GW a fin hoss. GW tuk thee rains, & preepered 2 mout thee hors. an indin sad. wash it GW, doan stip n thee oompah.

johnbellamy

02-04-2009, 01:53 AM

Good for about 10 min. of wasted time.:D

There really is a nude guy too.

http://www.realholidays.com.au/nudedude/index.html

I don't want to find the nude dude.

johnbellamy

02-04-2009, 01:54 AM

Highplains Drifter

02-04-2009, 03:28 PM

Senior Bus Trip

A senior citizens' group charters a bus from Burlington, IA to Branson.

As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and
says, "I've just been molested!" The driver felt that she had fallen
asleep and had a dream.

So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down. A short time
later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just
molested.

The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be
molesting those old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd
been molested too.

The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first
rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man
on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.

"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.

"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I
grab it, it runs away!"

Squizzy

02-05-2009, 03:06 AM

5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom
'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started
swearing.'

The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,

'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear
after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for
breakfast.

'Oh, sh*t mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up,
and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice,'And what do YOU
want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f**king Coco Pops'

Highplains Drifter

02-05-2009, 10:43 AM

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a
lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical
students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the
professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young
woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ******* is doing
while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "Probably deer hunting
with his buddies." It took 45 minutes to restore order in the
classroom.

johnbellamy

02-06-2009, 12:20 AM

After all these years of marriage, Mickey and Minnie mouse are gettin divorced.......

At the lawyers office, the lawyer told Mickey he can't divorce Minnie just because she's crazy.......

Mickey replied, I didn't say she was crazy.......

I said she was ****in Goofy.

Dave@PSE&G

02-06-2009, 10:48 PM

Practical Math

Schools are finally starting to teach practical math that these kids can
use in real-world situations! It's about time!

NAME____________________

GANG/CREW NAME______________

CRIB_________________

1. Ramon has an AK-47 with a 30-round clip. He usually misses 6 of
every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shootin. How many
drive-by shootins can Ramon hit before he reloads?

2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for
$320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street value of
the rest of his drugs?

3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks
per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day Crack habit?

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to
make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to gets the 20% upside?

5. Desmond get $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a Corvette,
and $1000 for a 4 x 4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have 9000 bills?

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. I f
his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he getsout?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the
average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with
three 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There be 20 girls in his
gang. What will be the percentage of the broads Tyrone knocked up?

9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang. LaShaunda also has a Boa
Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week and the cost be
$5 per rat. If LaShaunda makes $700 week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week's income?

10. Marvin steals Juan's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph,
Juan loads his 357 Magnum piece. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load
his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked

linetrampboozie

02-09-2009, 09:18 PM

Horsie ride
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of
the night, in search of a glass of water.

Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches
his folks in 'the act'.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy!
Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable
questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride,
agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.

Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where
me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
i luv little johnny jokes I wish I could memmer some......Ive heard alot of them over the yrs and cant recall a one.....shoots!!!!

A Laska Lineman

02-11-2009, 03:47 PM

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher came by and flashed them. The first old lady had a stroke, the second old lady had a stroke too and the third old lady refused to touch it.

Squizzy

02-13-2009, 05:35 AM

A man asked his wife "What would you do if we won lotto?"

The wife replied "I would take half and divorce you"

"That's good" he replied. "We won Div 4, here is $10.48 now F*&k off"

.

loodvig

02-13-2009, 09:07 AM

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all.
My wife won twice last week.'

Dave@PSE&G

02-13-2009, 10:07 AM

A man asked his wife "What would you do if we won lotto?"

The wife replied "I would take half and divorce you"

"That's good" he replied. "We won Div 4, here is $10.48 now F*&k off"

.

Another lotto joke:

A man runs in his house very excited and yells to his wife,"Pack your bags, I just won $10 million in the lottery". The wife, all flustered, grabs a suitcase and then asks "what should I pack for, warm weather or cold weather?" The husband replies "I don't give a f*** where you go, just get out!"

Dave@PSE&G

02-13-2009, 10:10 AM

Once upon a time, a man asked a girl to marry him.

She said "no".

And the man drank beer, farted, and lived happily ever after.

The end.

Dave@PSE&G

02-16-2009, 12:41 PM

FARM KIDS

A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

'Not yet,' said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken.

When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow, and when he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

''Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow s o for a week you aren't getting any milk.'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'You gonna tell him or should I?'' :D

Squizzy

02-18-2009, 08:40 AM

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong ***** out the window!"

Dave@PSE&G

02-18-2009, 12:51 PM

TWO QUOTES:

ONE PITIFUL, ONE GOOD

'My friends, we live in the greatest nation in the history of the world.

I hope you'll join with me as we try to change it.'

-- Barack Obama :(

''Life's tough......it's even tougher if you're stupid.''

-- John Wayne :D

Dave@PSE&G

02-19-2009, 12:57 PM

A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed, When! n I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door. Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend. :o

A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.

The End :D

Dave@PSE&G

02-19-2009, 12:59 PM

1755

I think Teddy Kennedy will make a good Shemp! :D

Highplains Drifter

02-19-2009, 01:29 PM

A Michigan State trooper pulled a car over on US 23 about 2 miles north of the Michigan/Indiana State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Ft. Wayne , IN to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from Michigan got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, 'You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.

Squizzy

02-20-2009, 11:47 PM

Well we all know what the White House and Michael Jackson have in common don't we?
They are both white on the outside but we all know there is a black man in there somewhere....

Had a meeting the other day ( true story ) and the Manager said he thought every one was happy from where he sat but he then said its the old addage that the monkey at the top of the tree looks down and all he sees is happy smiling faces looking up at him but the monkey's at the bottom of the tree look up and all they see are a$$holes. Sh!t I laughed best one I have heard for a while.:D

IronLine

02-21-2009, 09:39 AM

Swamp- Its supposed to be "it's white, it works, and you've got to pick cotton to get it" :D

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said: "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear says: "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

Dave@PSE&G

02-21-2009, 11:26 AM

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have
naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy
in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married,
she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off
the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop,
a taxi cab or a motel in Canada. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer
telephones and provide us with technical advice.

Dave@PSE&G

02-21-2009, 11:39 AM

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor..

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients..'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE:D

Highplains Drifter

02-23-2009, 04:49 AM

http://www.flashbynight.com/test/ Have Fun!!!!

wtdoor67

02-25-2009, 10:17 PM

An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river,he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look.
He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path.
He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him..
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him...

At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a believer?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well,' said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

loodvig

02-26-2009, 11:04 AM

John Hinckley to be released

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Regan in the early 1980s.

Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Regan.

There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated.

Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from John McCain that the staff at the mental facility, treating Hinckley , reports to have intercepted this past weekend:

To: John Hinckley

From: John McCain

My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a non partison consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.

My wife Cindy and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Regan.

We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of

desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best Wishes,

John and Cindy McCain

PS: While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.. We just thought you should know.

Dave@PSE&G

02-26-2009, 11:09 AM

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico.

This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep? :p

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.

No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!

Now You Know. :D

Dave@PSE&G

02-26-2009, 12:30 PM

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.' :eek:

Dave@PSE&G

02-26-2009, 08:32 PM

This is what it feels like... :D

1784

johnbellamy

02-26-2009, 10:07 PM

loodvig

02-27-2009, 07:33 AM

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

My Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid

thrasher

02-27-2009, 05:41 PM

A man walked out in his back yard and saw the nieghbors little girl digging a hole beside the fence. He walked over and asked her what she was doing. She replied "That she was going to bury her pet gerbil." The man said he was sorry to hear the gerbil was dead. He looked at the hole a little longer and said "I understand why the hole is deep but why is it so long for a gerbil?" The little girl said "because he's still inside of your cat".

Dave@PSE&G

02-27-2009, 06:49 PM

The election is over. It is time to repair friendships with the other party. Governor Sarah Palin is doing her part to do just that.

The rest of the world cannot understand how, after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can kiss and make-up.

For instance, Gov. Palin has invited, to her great state of Alaska, the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden. She has set up a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and hired three prominent experts in their field to assist them.

**** Cheney will lead them on the hunt, :(
Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins each evening, :eek: and
Bill Clinton will entertain their wives and daughters. ;)

What a lady! That Sarah is such a sport and thinks of everything! :D

Dave@PSE&G

03-01-2009, 07:57 PM

Monica Lewinsky walks into a dry cleaners and says to the guy working there "I'd like to have this stain removed from this dress". But the guy working there is hard of hearing and says "come again?" And she says "no, this time it's ice cream." :o

Squizzy

03-02-2009, 08:51 AM

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working
at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics
and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder
and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave
his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride
and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school
to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where
he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the
best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth
returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations
for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for
the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as
a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame..... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he
received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and
a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

Dave@PSE&G

03-03-2009, 01:42 PM

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend
over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male
or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth.. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once
over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point,but he picks him
up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her ****"? Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should
rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"? :D

Squizzy

03-05-2009, 04:23 AM

Nice to see you guys got the same type of ******* politicians down there too Squiz!!!:D

On August 19th 2007, an oil tanker off the coast of Australia split
in two, dumping 80,000 tons of crude oil.

Senator Collins, a member of the Australian Parliament, appeared on
a TV news program to reassure the Australian public.

This actual interview is so funny, you'd swear it was a Monty Python
skit-- or, if you're old enough to remember, Bob and Ray.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-QNAwUdHUQ

HA HA HA HA Some one has been pulling your leg Swamp ha ha ha that was a skit! Those 2 clowns are on the ABC and take the pi$$ out of the Government Ministers. I think they are on the 7.30 Report see if I can find a link they have 100's of "interviews" lol:D....

There was a ship that lost its bow as well been about 3 of them in last few years had some shocking storms...

Squizzy

03-05-2009, 04:29 AM

Here you go you can watch hours of these two clowns poking fun at politicians they are quite amusing lol...

http://www.abc.net.au/7.30/clarkedawe.htm

loodvig

03-08-2009, 10:49 AM

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks
into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50
HAND JOB: $100.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up
to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female
bartender. 'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can
I help you?' 'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are
you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'
'Yes, she smiles and purrs, I sure am.'
The old biker replies,
'Well wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.

loodvig

03-09-2009, 09:48 AM

PHONE REPAIR
Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

"little beaver"

03-10-2009, 02:49 AM

One thing about Blokes from Oz is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place!

T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.
His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

'If hooking up a terrorist prisoner's nuts to a car's battery cables will save just one Australian�s life, then I have just three things to say,'

'Red is positive,

Black is negative, and

Make sure his nuts are wet.'

Squizzy

03-10-2009, 05:24 AM

Squizzy

03-10-2009, 05:25 AM

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White
House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

Highplains Drifter

03-11-2009, 04:11 AM

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because
he snored so badly.They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay
with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.The first guy slept
with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and
his eyes all bloodshot.They said, "Man, what happened to you?"He said, "Bob
snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."The next night
it was a different guy's turn.In the morning, same thing -hair all standing
up, eyes all bloodshot.They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look
awful!"He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched
him all night."The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older
cowboy; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said,
"Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and
tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob
sat up and watched me all night."

Squizzy

03-11-2009, 08:23 AM

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same..'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

IN THE SHADOWS

03-11-2009, 08:41 PM

:confused:

http://www.regiftable.com/RegiftingRobinPopUp.html

WTFFFFFFFF?:eek:

IN THE SHADOWS

03-11-2009, 09:14 PM

My wife thinks she's got it figured out already...the smartass...I'll get back to ya

IN THE SHADOWS

03-11-2009, 10:08 PM

There are only 9 possible answers. The board shuffles the numbers around to where the same answer will come up on any set of numbers you pick between 10-20 20-30 30-40 40-50 50-60 etc. So it will pick the right prize no matter what number you start with.

ie: 10-1=9 11-2=9 12-3=9 So 9, 18, 27, 36 etc will all be the same "prize" every time
Only took me an hour to figure it out. Geez do I feel stupid:D

Dave@PSE&G

03-16-2009, 09:18 PM

'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame . Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. '
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.'
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.'
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!'
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza.'
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the ' Buffalo Theory' to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first . This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you alwa ys feel smarter after a few beers.'

Squizzy

03-18-2009, 04:50 AM

A Somalian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........
'Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am a Lebanese!'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia'
The person says, 'I not an Ozzie, I from Yugoslavian!'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you to the wonderful Australians!'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Italy , I am not from Australia!'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Australian'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa!'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Australians?'
The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'

Squizzy

03-26-2009, 05:58 PM

Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar��

crazylegs

03-27-2009, 11:11 PM

A guy asks a girl, hey do you want to have magic sex? she says whats magic sex? guy says we F$#% and you disappear!

loner

03-27-2009, 11:19 PM

well look at that,a trained monkey serving food.

loner

03-28-2009, 02:32 AM

yea things are really happn,20000 lost thier job today. good thing this is a joke thread right where he belongs.

johnbellamy

03-28-2009, 09:14 PM

I puked all over my new shirt.

Bartender say's "hey no problem, put a 10 dollar bill in your pocket, tell your wife some drunk puked on your new shirt, gave ya 10 dollars to get it cleaned."

I said "thanks i'll give it a shot"

3 am I stagger in the door, wife see's the shirt and she is pissed, I tell her "it wasn't me, some guy did it and gave me 10 dollar bill to get it cleaned, it's in the shirt pocket."

She reaches in my pocket and pull's out a twenty, she say's "I thought you said he gave you a ten?"

I said "well honey, he pissed in my pant's too."

RWD

04-01-2009, 02:12 PM

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... .leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

RWD

Pootnaigle

04-01-2009, 09:18 PM

There are 40 million Americans over 50 in the US. Give
each of us $1 million each with the following stipulations:

1. You must quit your job. Therefore, 40 million
jobs are created. Unemployment solved!
2. You must buy a new car. Therefore, 40 million
new cars sold. Auto industry problem solved!
3. You must buy a new house or pay off your mortgage.
Housing industry problem solved!

For $40 billion we could be out of this mess and on an
upward trend again. Much less money than has already been
spent with virtually no results and the effects of this
"stimulus" package would be felt almost as soon as the
checks went out. I like this idea and I believe this would
go a long way to solving the problems. I hope you agree.

Dave@PSE&G

04-01-2009, 09:46 PM

Three Black Men

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In
fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.' ;)

Dave@PSE&G

04-05-2009, 04:59 PM

Guts or Balls.
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.

LostArt

04-18-2009, 12:12 PM

I have no idea why there is only 17!!! :D

1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They weren't working ... They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

3. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

4. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.

5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you (A)-go to lunch or (B)-read the newspaper?

8. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.

9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your honor.

12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

13. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.

14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Don't know. (There are some things a pig just won't do.)

15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

16. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Removable wing tips.

17. Why does NY have the most lawyers in the country, while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.

IN THE SHADOWS

04-19-2009, 12:10 PM

Whats the difference between a lawyer and a Carp?

Ones a scum sucking bottem feeder and the other ones a fish.

LostArt

04-19-2009, 01:09 PM

Whats the difference between a lawyer and a Carp?

Ones a scum sucking bottem feeder and the other ones a fish.

LOL! Speaking of fish, it sounded like the guys came home with a few. I didn't get to talk long----and I wasn't talking to the Boss----but I did ask if the Boss was coming home with them. I was told they were cleaning them now and then was coming home.

BTW, he did really good. Out over 30 miles from the coast and caught fish! What kind, I don't know. They were hollering for Tony (our friend and another lineman) to get off the phone and help! :D

IN THE SHADOWS

04-19-2009, 01:20 PM

LOL! Speaking of fish, it sounded like the guys came home with a few. I didn't get to talk long----and I wasn't talking to the Boss----but I did ask if the Boss was coming home with them. I was told they were cleaning them now and then was coming home.

BTW, he did really good. Out over 30 miles from the coast and caught fish! What kind, I don't know. They were hollering for Tony (our friend and another lineman) to get off the phone and help! :D

Way cool!!!

loodvig

04-21-2009, 04:42 PM

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

Senko11

04-25-2009, 12:52 AM

cat in the hat

Senko11

04-25-2009, 01:46 AM

Unfortunately....

I'm all over alot of THAT ****.:D But I'm fightin it every day!!:cool:

I am sure I will get mine soon enough.

Your in central FL?

Ever fish Toho?

RWD

04-28-2009, 10:09 AM

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly checkup...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

'So what do you think about that Doc ?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.'

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'

'As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang.''

'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.'

RWD

loodvig

05-01-2009, 10:37 AM

Top 10 reasons a gun is favored over a woman....

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when
you're on the road.

# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably
let you try it out a few times.

# 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

# 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

# 3. A gun doesn't ask , 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'

# 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

# 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

loodvig

05-05-2009, 11:35 AM

It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning. About 9:00 p.m., he finally said to his wife,'Dear, I think I've come up with the perfect sermon! I'm going to give a sermon about horseback riding!'

She said, 'Don't be silly! You can't give a sermon about horseback riding!'

He replied, 'Well, it's going to have to do because I've preached on just about every other subject I can think of at church.'

The next morning as they were driving to church, she said, 'I can't believe that you're still insisting on doing this! You know, if you're going to give that silly sermon on horseback riding, I'm just going to stay in the car during the service.'

He said, 'OK, then, suit yourself!', so she stayed in the car! Entering church before the service, the preacher had a sudden inspiration and gave a hellfire and brimstone sermon on SEX that just had the congregation in awe. As the congregation filed out of the church, some of the members saw his wife sitting in the car and approached her window. One of them said, 'Wow! You just missed the best sermon your husband has ever given!'

She said, 'Yeah, right! What does he know about it! He talks big, but he's only tried it twice in his life! Once, before we were married and once after........... and he fell off both times.'

Figurehead

05-06-2009, 01:51 AM

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover.. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest ****.

Men are like that, you know..

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

loodvig

05-06-2009, 11:00 AM

The Hunter & The Warden

A Hillbilly went hunting one day in Georgia and bagged
Three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck
And was about to drive home when he was confronted by an
Ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.

The game warden ordered the Hillbilly to show his
hunting license; the hillbilly Pulled out a valid
Georgia hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached
over And picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt,
and Said, 'This duck ain't from Georgia . This is a
Tennessee duck. You got a Tennessee huntin' license,
boy?'

The hillbilly reached in to his wallet and produced a
Tennessee hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and
Grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt,and said
'This ain't no Tennessee duck. This duck's
From Mississippi . You got a Mississippi license?'

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a
Mississippi hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third
Duck, sniffed its butt, and said,

'This ain't no Mississippi duck. This here Duck's'
from South Carolina .. You got a South Carolina
huntin' license?'

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought
Out a South Carolina hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this
Point, and he yelled at the hill Billy, 'Boy, just
Where are you from?'

The hillbilly turned around, dropped his pants, bent
over, and said, 'You tell me. You're the expert.'

squarewasher

05-06-2009, 04:44 PM

I went to the bank on pay day to cash my check. I went up to the girl and handed her my check and drivers licenses; she looks it over and says she needs two forms of identification ( like a credit card i thought.NOPE ); she says like a birth certificate or social security card; something with an expiration date on it. I stand there looking her and she says "WHAT". I tell her I didn't know my birth certificate told me when I'm going to die....

Highplains Drifter

05-07-2009, 09:52 PM

Three Californian surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in California. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost several fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he
performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

The second surgeon said, "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them and two years later he won a gold medal in track and field events at the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs! Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's brunette hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's Speaker of the US House of Representatives."

loodvig

05-08-2009, 05:59 PM

HER DIARY:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had
made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my
friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I
was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't
flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; he said, Nothing." I asked him if it
was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had
nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told
him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't
explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if
he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly,
and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally,
with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes
later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress,
and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his
thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't
know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with
someone else. My life is a disaster!!!

HIS DIARY:
Missed a big deer today, but at least I got laid!!!

loodvig

05-10-2009, 08:18 AM

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female...... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMU! NICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female.... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male.... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes

Highplains Drifter

05-13-2009, 09:16 PM

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico�

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter,
he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor...

Sometimes the bull wins.'

ratbastard101

05-18-2009, 05:10 PM

A group of union members were leaving a bar when they heard a voice in an alley say �One rat is better than 2 union members.� Immediately 2 of the union guys ran into the alley and a small ruckus broke out.

After a minute they heard the same voice as before �One rat is better than 5 union members.� So 5 of the union members, all pissed off now, proceeded into the alley. Once again a ruckus broke out but none of the union members returned.

After a brief pause they heard the same voice once again� �One rat is better than 10 union members.� Immediately 10 more union members ran into the alley and all hell broke out. After much commotion and fighting one of the union members made it back out of the alley��..he told the rest of the union members��It�s a set up do not allow any more union members to go into that alley�there�s two rats back there.:D

Squizzy

05-21-2009, 05:56 AM

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American
tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'
The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we
collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to
Australia.'
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.'
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the
States, we eat fresh fruit for
breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them
into jam and sell it to Australia .
The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'
The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned closer to him and asked,
'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
'We throw them away, of course!'
Now it was the Australians turn to smile.
'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and
sell them to the
United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'

loodvig

05-21-2009, 11:02 AM

An Eloquent Field Marine

The 29th Commandant of the Marine Corps was General Al Gray, a crusty Old
'Field Marine.' He loved his Marines and often slipped into the mess hall
wearing a faded old field jacket without any rank or insignia (4 stars)
on it. He would go through the chow line just like a private (In this way,
he was assured of being given the same rations that the lowest enlisted
man received. And, woe be it to the mess officer if the food was found to
be 'unfit in quality or quantity').

Upon becoming Commandant, General Gray was expected to do a great deal of
'formal entertaining'...fancy dinner parties in full dress blue uniform..
Now, the General would rather have been in the field eating cold 'C-rats'
around a fighting hole with a bunch of young 'hard charging' Marines. But
the General knew his duty and as a Marine he was determined to do it to
the best of his ability.

During these formal parties, a detachment of highly polished Marines from
'Eighth and Eye' (Marine Barracks located at 8th and I Streets in
Washington, D.C., home of the Silent Drill Team) were detailed to assume
the position of 'parade rest' at various intervals around the ballroom
where the festivities were being held.

At some point during one of these affairs, a very refined, blue-haired
lady picked up a tray of pastries and went around the room offering
confections to the guests. When she noticed these Marines in dress blues,
standing like sculptures all around the room, she was moved with
admiration. She knew that several of these men were fresh from our
victory in Kuwait . She made a beeline for the closest Lance Corporal,
drew near him and asked, 'Would you like pastry young man?'

The young Marine snapped to 'attention' and replied, "I don't eat that
s**t, Ma'am." Just as quickly, he resumed the position of 'parade rest.'
His gaze remained fixed on some distant point throughout the exchange.

The fancy lady was completely taken aback! She blinked, her eyes widened,
her mouth dropped open. So startled was she that she immediately began to
doubt what she had heard. In a quivering voice she asked, "W-W-What did
you say?"

The Marine snapped back to the position of 'attention' (like the arm of a
mousetrap smacking it's wooden base). Then he said, '"I don't eat that
s**t, Ma'am." And just as smartly as before, back to the position of
'parade rest' he went.

This time, there was no doubt. The fancy lady immediately became incensed
and felt insulted. After all, here she was an important lady, taking the
time to offer something nice to this enlisted man (well below her station
in life), and he had the nerve to say THAT to HER! She exclaimed, "Well!
I never...!" The lady remembered that she had met that military man in
charge of all these 'soldiers' earlier. She spotted General Gray from
across the room. He had a cigar clenched between his teeth and a
camouflaged canteen cup full of bourbon in his left hand. He was talking
to a group of 1st and 2nd Lieutenants. So blue haired lady went straight
over to the Commandant and interrupted.

"General, I offered some pastry to that young man over there, and do you
know what he told me?"

General Gray cocked his eyebrow, took the cigar out of his mouth and said,
"Well, no Ma'am, I don't."

The lady took in a deep breath, confident that she was adequately
expressing with her body language her considerable rage and indignation.
As she wagged her head in cadence with her words, and she paused between
each word for effect, 'She said, "I - don't - eat - that - s**t - Ma'am!''

The lieutenants were in a state of near apoplexy. A couple of them choked
back chuckles, and turned their heads to avoid having their smirks
detected. The next thought that most of them had was, 'God, I hope it
wasn't one of MY Marines!' and the color left their faces.

General Gray wrinkled his brow, cut his eyes in the direction of the
lieutenants, put his free hand to his chin and muttered a subdued, "Hmmm.
Which one did you say it was Ma'am?," the General asked.

"That tall sturdy one right over there near the window, General," the
woman said with smug satisfaction. One of the lieutenants began to look
sick and put a hand on the wall for support.

General Gray, seemed deep in thought, hand still to his chin, wrinkled
brow. Suddenly, he looked up and his expression changed to one indicating
he had made a decision. He looked the fancy lady right in the eyes and
said, "Well, f*** him! Don't give him any."

staggerlee

05-21-2009, 11:46 AM

YES, HOW TRUE IT IS...LOL

A self important college freshman walking along the beach took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen resting on the steps why the older generation would never understand his generation. " You grew up in a different world " he exclaimed loudly so that everyone around could benefit from his foresight. " It was almost primitive. The young people of today grew up with television, space travel, jet planes, man walking on the moon. We have nuclear energy, ships and cell phones. We have super fast computers with light speed and much more." After a brief silence the senior citizen responded as follows: " Your right son. We didn't have those things when we were young.....so we invented them you arrogant little ****! What are you going to do for the next generation ?"
The applause was amazing.

Highplains Drifter

05-23-2009, 01:52 PM

Sit comfortably and be calm.

In other words, put your thinking process aside - I.e. Put your brain in neutral gear.

1- Find the C below. Do not use any cursor help.

�OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
�OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
�OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
�OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
�OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
�OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
�OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
�OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
�OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
�OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
�OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
�
2- If you already found the C, now find the 6
below.

�99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99
�99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99
�99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99
�69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99
�99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99
�99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99
�
3- Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult.

�MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMMMM
�MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
�MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
�MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
�MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
�
This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests,
You can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist.
Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.

Congratulations!

Now can you find the 44th President?

1977

johnbellamy

05-25-2009, 12:57 AM

A preist, a monk and a rhabbi walk into a bar..........

The bartender looks up and say's, "what is this, some kind of joke"?

loodvig

05-26-2009, 08:25 PM

BBQ RULES We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert ..
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women

loodvig

05-26-2009, 08:33 PM

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't' givin' him any of mine."

The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.

The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"

wtdoor67

05-26-2009, 09:04 PM

A prince, a monkey and a rabbit walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says. "What the hell's this? A dyslexia convention or something?

The drunk staggers into a passerby on the sidewalk. The passerby says. Look out you drunk sap. The drunk replies. Don't mess with me, I'm Jesus Christ. Oh bull**** says the passerby. Come on says the drunk, I'll prove it. Follow me. The passerby follows the drunk who lurches back into the nearby bar. The bartender looks up and says. Jesus Christ, you back? See says the drunk.

The sailor shows the admiral their parrot mascot in his cage. What are those strings attached to his legs, asked the Admiral? The sailor says. Well Admiral if you pull one string he whistles The Star Spangled Banner. If you pull the other string he whistles Anchors Aweigh. What happens if you pull both strings asks the Admiral? The parrot cocks his head and replies. "I'd fall on my ass you stupid *******."

"Captain, captain, we've run aground screams the messenger of the watch. The Captain replies. "Very well, set the inport watch."

Highplains Drifter

06-07-2009, 08:19 PM

COUNSELING - MINNESOTA STYLE

2010

Ole and Sven are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Sven says,
"I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to
me in over 2 months."

Ole spits, sips his beer and says, "Better think it over; women like that are hard to find."

wtdoor67

06-07-2009, 09:51 PM

The inmate was on his first sentence to prison and was very depressed. His cellmate said. "What's wrong man?" The newby said. "Man I'm in prison and I'm depressed." The cell mate said. "Hell it ain't so bad." The newby. "Howso?"

Cellmate. "Do you like baseball?" Newby. "Yeah." The cellmate says well on Mondays we play baseball, watch movies on baseball and everything is about baseball." "You'll enjoy that." "Tuesdays we do the same thing with football." Cellmate. "You like shooting pool?" Newby. "Yeah." Cellmate. "Well on Wednesdays we shoot pool and snooker all day. Have a regular tournament."

The newby begins to perk up. The cellmate says. "You like sex?" "Well yeah" replies the newby. "With man or woman?" the cellmate asks. The newby replies indignantly, "with women of course." The cellmate replies. "Sorry buddy, you ain't gonna like Thursdays."

loodvig

06-08-2009, 09:19 AM

Top 12 Indicators that the Economy is Bad
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM
in the stock market.

8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.

7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

6 People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children's names.

5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

4.People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

2. The Mafia is laying off judges.

And my most favorite indicator of all...

1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

loodvig

06-12-2009, 10:30 AM

Don't forget to mark your calenders.
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife, and to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless America !

It is your patriotic duty to pass this on. If you don't send this to at least 5 people you must be a terrorist-sympathizing, lily-livered coward and are in the position of posing as a national threat.

loodvig

06-12-2009, 05:18 PM

Vicar's Salary:

The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the area, stands up and proclaims:

'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new BMW every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, 'If the Vicar will stay on here I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,

'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:

'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'f**k him!'

loodvig

06-15-2009, 08:20 AM

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted
by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner..

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your
time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum
cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and
she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide
open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her
hallway carpet.

"Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they
cut off my electricity this morning."

loodvig

06-18-2009, 10:17 AM

The wayward Catholic guy goes into the confessional box after years away from the Church. He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies "Get out. You're on my side."

loodvig

06-19-2009, 11:06 AM

Italian Tomato Garden: An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa.

A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie.

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you, Vinnie.

loodvig

06-21-2009, 12:18 PM

Messing with the Mafia

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet
with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you
embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled
from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot
understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my darn money is!" The attorney,
using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are
talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of
the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my darn
money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"

The accountant signs back, "Okay, okay, okay! The money is hidden in a
brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...buzz off.....that
you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

loodvig

06-23-2009, 07:42 PM

Redneck Language

Jed shares some redneck slang with his chat buddies!

"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."

"This'll jar your preserves."

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."

"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

"Gooder than grits."

"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

"Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

"A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."

"When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."

"If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."

"A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering doo-doo on a marble floor."

"She's uglier than homemade soap."

"Your momma's so fat, when she got on the scales to be weighed, it said 'To be continued'."

"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."

"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"

"I'm just about as welcome at my inlaws as a hair in a biscuit."

loodvig

06-24-2009, 02:02 PM

Moral Assignment

A grade school teacher gave the assignment to her class, that each student
should think of a story and then a moral for that story to share with the
class the next day. The following day the teacher asks for the first
volunteer to tell their story, and little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck
and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a
big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The
teacher asks for the moral of the story and Suzy replies, "Don't keep all
your eggs in one basket."

Next little Lucy offers to tell her story, and she says, "Well my dad owns
a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the
incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks
for the moral of the story and Lucy replies, "Don't count your eggs before
they're hatched."

Finally it's little Johnny's turn and he says, "My uncle Ted fought in the
Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped
out before it crashed with only a machine gun, a machete, and a case of
beer. On the way down he drank the case of beer."

"Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers.
He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out
his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he
killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any
moral to his story and Johnny replies, "Don't mess with Uncle Ted when
he's been drinking."

Pootnaigle

06-24-2009, 07:37 PM

2Fer

1. At The Bar

A guy goes into a bar, where he sees a smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there, good looking, how's it going?"
She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the ye and says, "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it."
"No kidding?" said the man. "I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?"

2. Mating Season

Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what?
"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they call 'Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."
Just then they saw another cave. the Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Woooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo!Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in, he was amazed at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Oh, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....
... (Get ready this will kill ya) ...

NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN

wtdoor67

06-24-2009, 09:06 PM

The wife went and got a tattoo for her biker husband's birthday. Since his favorite musician was B B King she wanted B B King tattooed from her butt down her leg. The tattoo artist said there's really no room. I'll just put a big b on one cheek and one on the other and king down one leg. She said ok. She got home and said, honey want to see what I got you for your birthday? Sure he said. Whereupon she dropped her drawers and bent over for his inspection. What you think? She said. Well it looks okay hon the biker said, but who the hell is BOB KING?

lineman2010

06-24-2009, 09:13 PM

Apprentices are like mushrooms. We are kept in the dark and feed sh*t.

wtdoor67

06-24-2009, 10:53 PM

The first day on the ranch was castration of calves. For lunch there was calf fries. The second day was castration of lambs. For lunch there was lamb fries. The third day some one said. "Where in hell is Frenchie?" "I don't know." "Someone told him we were having French Fries for lunch and we ain't seen him since."

Pootnaigle

06-29-2009, 09:20 PM

A woman and her husband go to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and told her, "If you don't do the following, your husband will lose his will to live and surely die."

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
For dinner, fix especially nice meals selected from his favorite foods and don't burden him with household chores or problems.
Make love with him several times a week and satisfy his every sexual whim. On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.
She replied, "You're going to die."

loodvig

07-01-2009, 06:08 PM

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress,
taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was
slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting
unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his
chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled,
apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the
waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to
the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the
table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh no, My husband
just walked in the door."

loodvig

07-06-2009, 08:38 PM

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
(I love this one!):
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last.
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

loodvig

07-08-2009, 05:21 PM

Why This Country Is In Trouble

A Washington DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our
country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her
hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Cape town.
I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information,
and then she interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid,
but Cape town is in Massachusetts..'' Without trying to make her look
stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape town is in
Africa '' Her response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we
did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando .. He said he was
expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since
Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'don't lie to me, I
looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see
England from Canada ?'' I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close
on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car
in Dallas I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour
layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said,
''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between
gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it
was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to
Chicago at 8:33 a..m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of
Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally,
I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I
said, 'No, why do you ask?' She replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the
airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight.
I think that's very rude!'' After putting her on hold for a minute, while I
looked into it.. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city
code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was
just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii After
going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to
California and then take the train To Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, ''How
do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to
which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these
planes have numbers on them.''

10. A lady Senator called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida
... Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if
she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah,
whatever, smarty!''

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he
needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about
passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've
been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double
checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this
he said, ''Look, I've been to China four times. and every time they have
accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, ''I want to
go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ''I was at a loss for words. Finally,
I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' Yes, what flights
do you have?'' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with,
"I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and
can't find a rhino anywhere." ''The lady retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly!
Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!'' So I scoured a map of the
state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do
you?'' The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure,
you just gotta spread it around.

Pootnaigle

07-09-2009, 11:05 PM

Why Are We There?

Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on TV are photos of death and destruction. Why are we still there?

We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble. Why are we still there?

Their government is unstable, and they have no leadership. Why are we still there?

Many of their people are uncivilized, or at least don't speak English. Why are we still there?

There are more than 1,000 religious sects and almost as many languages and dialects, many of which we don't understand. Why are we still there?

We can't even secure the borders. Why are we still there?

They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more to bail them out, which we can't afford. Why are we still there?

It is becoming clear ........we have only one option.

We must abandon California!!!

Highplains Drifter

07-11-2009, 02:17 AM

A surgeon went to check on his blond patient after an operation

She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked,
"How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

2095

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied,

"Yes, you'll be fine.

It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

loodvig

07-15-2009, 04:03 PM

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 'You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot by that robber, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right there.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I think you're bad luck... get the **** away from me.'

Highplains Drifter

07-22-2009, 05:15 PM

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about
psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and
said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything
that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."

loodvig

08-08-2009, 12:33 PM

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat". After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that. "

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my word!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

At that point, Mrs. Smith fainted.

loodvig

08-12-2009, 07:19 AM

MY NEW TRUCK

I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. 'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.

The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid them.

I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'
Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States "

**** I love this truck......

Squizzy

08-13-2009, 05:41 AM

I called the Swine Flu hotline - all I got was crackling

I heard that the first symptom is that you come out in rashers.

Another is that you get the trotts.

I woke up with pig tails this morning ... Should I be worried?

The doctor asked me how long I'd had the symptoms of Swine Flu. I said it must have been about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu - I think he's just telling porkies!

The only known cure for Swine Flu in humans has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment.

IF YOU GET AN EMAIL ABOUT SWINE FLU DELETE IT AS ITS ONLY SPAM.

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none,
And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1.

Swine flu however, is not a problem for the pigs because they're all going to be cured anyway!

News Flash .... This just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the aporkalypse.

Swine flu has now mixed with bird flu. Scientists say they will find a cure when pigs fly.

I just heard on the news that, "Swine Flu could potentially be a threat to every single person in the world". Well it's a good thing I'm married then, isn't it?

This is not a time for panic. It is no pig deal. It is a mild hamdemic, don't believe the spam you're getting.

loodvig

08-15-2009, 09:37 AM

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is
the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls
the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and
leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice
cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters
instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the
game's over!"
_________________

Squizzy

08-17-2009, 09:42 AM

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a Naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained
that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?' Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'

Squizzy

08-18-2009, 06:12 AM

The International Council of Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that
point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent
entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your
girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and
only when it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both, that's just greedy.

18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about
his choice of beer.

19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e.,
both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if
necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have
carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is
no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs
about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her
to drive yours.

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green,
orange or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?'
with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 End of
story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.
Ever.

27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition of each is listed below:

* 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you
still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

* 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the
ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'

I hope this clears up any confusion.

The International Council of Man Laws

Highplains Drifter

08-20-2009, 05:13 PM

Movin on up

2151

Squizzy

08-26-2009, 08:36 AM

Ray is Gay. He goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, ' Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.'

Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?

Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers,
40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice..'

Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'

Doc says, No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for.

electriklady

08-28-2009, 08:17 PM

Nothing like a good blonde joke.......specially to a brunette;):D

Highplains Drifter

08-29-2009, 12:39 PM

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Madame Speaker and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before.

To make it a little more interesting, Madame Speaker says to the Pope,

"Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him.

Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd.

Gradually,the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance considers what he could do..

"That was impressive," the Pope says, "but did you know that with just one little wave of

MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy?

This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into

their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The speaker seriously doubts this, and says so.

"One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her

LostArt

09-05-2009, 10:21 PM

Do you know what happened 159 years ago this fall....back in 1850?

http://by121w.bay121.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://207.46.10.121/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3dc4c1db7c-3cfd-4eca-b25d-51923474b357.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26nam e%3dQVRUMS5qcGc_3d%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empty% 3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253aDBD18EEA44E84DA9BA84F75 060151355%2540Oveda&oneredir=1&ip=10.1.106.219&d=d3243&mf=0&a=01_c0e670d98cb01c5780c98ae7b48e1f237d8782c90cf6c deb42d86ff0f210b2cd
California became a state.
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically nothing has changed except the women had real **** and the men didn't hold hands.

Squizzy

09-06-2009, 10:03 AM

Teacher:

If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2

rabbits, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher:

No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2

rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2 rabbits, how many

will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher:

Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples,

and another 2 apples and another 2 apples, how many will you have?

Johnny:

Six.

Teacher:

Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and

another 2 rabbits, how many will you have?

Johnny:

Seven!

Teacher:

Where the hell do you get seven from you stupid little boy?

Johnny:

Because I've already got 1 rabbit at home you dumb *****

Squizzy

09-06-2009, 10:05 AM

Three blokes - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie Engineer are all working together one day and they come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of You one wish, Which is three wishes in total" says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." POOOOFF! With The blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious state." POOOFF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Aussie Engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable." The Aussie Engineer sits down,cracks a beer, smiles and says, "Fill it with water".........

Squizzy

09-06-2009, 10:08 AM

Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered",
she said.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident and why she thought the cat
stuttered.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
rottweiler
that
lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped
over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised
his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...
And before he could say "F--k", the rottweiler got him!"

Pootnaigle

09-06-2009, 02:13 PM

A farmer walked into a lawyer's office an said i want one of them there dayvorces.
the lawyer said ok do u have grounds? The farmer said why yes i have 140 acres.

The lawyer said no i mean do u have a case? The farmer said of coarse not. I have a john deere.
The lawyer said no u don't understand do u have a grudge? The farmer said well yes i park my john deere under it every night.

The lawyer said no u still don't understand do u have a suit? The farmer said yes i wear it to church every Sunday.
The lawyer said well nevermind does she beat u up? The farmer said no we are usually both up by 4:30 in the mornin.

The lawyer shook his head...well is she a nagger?
The farmer said shoot naw she's a little old white gal... but the las youngin we had was a nagger an thats why i want the dayvorce!

Squizzy

09-10-2009, 11:46 AM

I was representing a guy the other day with another Organiser in a harrasment case and we had got to the bottom of the "case" and it was obvious that they all were to blame but the guy continued and the other organiser says " That aint harrassment its more like handbags at 20 paces" I didn't laugh much...

loodvig

09-12-2009, 03:55 PM

Fishing Trip

Barak Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he
tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were
fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered
the kids whatever they wanted..

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland.'

Barak said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my special
President's airplane.'

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan 'S shoes.'

Barak said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan
sign them!'

The third kid said, 'I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in
TV and stereo headset!'

Barak was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look
like you're handicapped...'

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your Azz
from drowning!'

loodvig

09-15-2009, 09:17 AM

I'm Fine

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde .

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked
the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule, Bessie..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road....."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now
several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I
believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule,
into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge
semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right
in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into
the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However,
I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a
Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning
and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw
her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked
at me and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the Hell would you say?"

gator

09-15-2009, 01:42 PM

yesterday in st marys GA an old lady was pumping gas and her cell phone wrang suddenly her arm cought on fire at the same time a georgia highway patrol was walking out of the store when he saw her first thing he did was pull out his glock and shot her dead when asked why he shot her he said cause she was waiving a fire arm

Highplains Drifter

09-16-2009, 03:36 AM

Jewish Marital Counseling

A Jewish woman says to her mother,
"I'm divorcing Sidney! All he wants is anal
sex, and my ass hole is now the size of a 50 cent piece
when it used to be about the size of a nickel."

Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire
businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion,
you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance,
you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all
that away over 45 cents?"?

loodvig

09-17-2009, 05:20 PM

Hunting, Sort of

Shelia walked into the kitchen to find her husband, Fred, stalking around
with a fly swatter. "And what are we doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies" he responded.

"Oh? Killing any?" she asked, with a smirk.

"Yep! Got 4 males, 3 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How the heck can you tell?"

"Simple." He replied, "4 were on a beer can, 3 were on the phone."

loodvig

09-21-2009, 09:08 AM

CD Player

I wanted to buy a CD player, but was completely perplexed by one model's
promotional sign. So I called the salesclerk over and asked, "What does
'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?"

He said, "That means that this machine will read the digital information
that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal."

"In other words," I said, "this CD player plays CDs."

"Exactly."

Squizzy

09-29-2009, 06:48 AM

At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, Kevin Rudd turned to the
Queen and said:

As I'm the Prime Minister, I'm thinking of changing how my great country
is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Rudd, but to be a Kingdom, you have to
have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

Kevin Rudd thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"

To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a
Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Rudd."

Rudd thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied : "Sorry again, Mr.
Rudd, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you
are not an Emperor."

Before Rudd could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're
doing quite nicely as a Country."

electriklady

10-04-2009, 09:59 PM

That was one of the funniest things I have ever read, I laughed so hard I had to keep wiping my eyes to continue reading. I laughed so hard I think I did a quick tone up on my abs!!!!!!!!!!!:D:D:D

electriklady

10-04-2009, 10:09 PM

that was a true classic, I need to print that one out to keep, I did a paper a few years back on the "beauty of pregancy and giving birth" same overtones, my professor said she thought she was gonna pee her pants laughing, and prodded me to submit it for publication. I havent laughed so hard in a long time, thanks...................

tell your wife, she is not alone, my stomach muscles feel like I just did a hundred situps.:D

loodvig

10-07-2009, 09:18 AM

Red Skelton's Marriage Tips

Red Skelton's tips for a Happy Marriage:

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage,
then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on
Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere
I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I
bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in
the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

loodvig

10-07-2009, 09:22 AM

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in Bozeman , Montana , while waiting for their respective flights...

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer, another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East .

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face, and lights a cigarette. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, 'At one time here... my people were many... but sadly, now we are few.'

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?'

The cowboy removes his cigarette from his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl...

'I reckon that's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'.'

loodvig

10-07-2009, 09:27 AM

The Mule

Curtis &Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in
Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I
have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis &Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back.."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the
Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.

"What'd you fellers ever dowith that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled himoff like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollarsapiece and made
a profit of $898."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So wegave him his two
dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

They're overseeing the Bailout Program.

Highplains Drifter

10-08-2009, 05:54 PM

A Touching Home Depot Story

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked. 'How much for that faucet?' Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.' "My goodness that sure is a lot!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

Mary replied , 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

Highplains Drifter

10-11-2009, 04:46 PM

A redneck couple gets married and are on their honeymoon. The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a virgin."

The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father.

His father comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours."

loodvig

10-14-2009, 01:45 PM

A Georgia Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Atlanta when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if youstrike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would youlike to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the southern congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of driedgrass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The southern legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl'sintelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know ****?

Squizzy

10-15-2009, 09:54 AM

A stockman from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared
before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip
to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across
a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to
leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the
largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face,
kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the
ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the **** out of the lot of ya's!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

loodvig

10-20-2009, 08:23 AM

Instead of a Nursing Home

There will be no nursing home in my future...

When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The
average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on
reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior
discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant,
or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every
day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers
and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth
of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced?
No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare. If
you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a
suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal,
Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess
will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just
call shore to ship.

MI-Lineman

10-25-2009, 09:56 AM

HARLEY BIKER

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.' The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions and reads, on the front page.

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days!!!!!!!! !

Politically correct or not, THAT'S FUNNY **** right there!:D

In the spirit of hunting though....

Two men are out hunting, one of the men falls from his tree stand, the other comes along after a while to find his comrade lying motionless on the ground. Franticly he calls 911. He tells the operator his dilemma and the operator asks "Is he dead?" The man replies "I don't know, I think so?" The operator tells the man you need to be sure so the man says "Hold on".

Over the phone the operator hears BANG!!!

The man returns to the phone and asks "What's next?":D

loodvig

10-27-2009, 12:21 PM

Morons

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President
John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual
leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA
spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had
barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas
canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing
beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out
and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a
gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two
different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper
proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop
and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently,
the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and
worked the counter himself for three hours until police
showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with
a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a
lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat
the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man
shouted, "that's not what I said!".

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the
phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven
Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of
America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a
finger to simulate a gun... Unfortunately, he failed to keep
his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella,
located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA,
some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter
how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot
boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no
matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of
trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina,
thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working
condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down,
and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of
the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He
came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

Squizzy

10-29-2009, 08:39 AM

For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.' The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Johnny told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be ****ed if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no ****ing bike!

loodvig

11-04-2009, 09:29 AM

Shopping for Men

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women.
Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if
he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to
complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one
knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with
the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey
George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By the way, are you through with
my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A
99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from
his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men
bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he
wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have
worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big screen TV with the
little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips,
and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will
sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial sized canisters of after shave or
deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a
couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts.
Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the
box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will
barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100 pound propane tank. Tell
him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a
hamburger?"

Rule #11: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift.
However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century
Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #12: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw.
If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he
gets a label maker.

Rule #13: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum
extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an
extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or
at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8"
manila rope. No one knows why...

Squizzy

11-04-2009, 05:47 PM

The Vicar's Salary

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships locally , stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Car every year and his wife with a mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,
‘If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!' More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,

'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.' There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:

'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F*** him'.

Highplains Drifter

11-05-2009, 10:36 AM

Gynecologist's Assistant

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination." "The annual salary is $85,000, and you'll have to go to Billings , MT , that's about 550 miles from here."

"Good grief, is that where the job is?"

"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now.

duckhunter

11-09-2009, 12:05 PM

A Baptist preacher from West Texas had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed five objects on his desk:
- a Bible,
- a silver dollar,
- a bottle of whiskey,
- a marijuana cigarette, an
- a Hustler magazine
'I'll just hide behind the door,' the preacher said to himself, 'and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.
- If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
- If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be OK.

- But if picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be.
- If he picks up the marijuana cigarette, he's going to be a worthless dope-head,
- And worst of all, if he picks up that Hustler magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.'

The preacher waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket, put the joint to his lips, and lit it up. Taking a long drag from the doobie, he uncorked the whiskey bottle and took a big swig, while admiring the Hustler centerfold.

'Lord have mercy!,' the old preacher whispered in disgust, 'he's going to be a lineman!'

loodvig

11-10-2009, 09:29 AM

Minimum Wage

A man owned a small Ranch in Texas. The Texas Work Force Department claimed
he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to
interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the
agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3
years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free
room and board.

Then there is the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about
90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own
room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He
also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the Rancher.

~~~~~

Husband Down

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.The husband picks
up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry
on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream
and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

loodvig

11-10-2009, 04:47 PM

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

**** man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday.

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said,

�'Guess who?'"

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do what ever you want."

So, Here I am.

Highplains Drifter

11-12-2009, 07:32 AM

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

loodvig

11-12-2009, 01:33 PM

Let me see if I understand all this...

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.

IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET A JOB, A DRIVERS LICENSE, SOCIAL SECURITY CARD, WELFARE, FOOD STAMPS, CREDIT CARDS, SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE, FREE EDUCATION, FREE HEALTH CARE, A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON AND IN MANY INSTANCES YOU CAN VOTE!

thrasher

11-24-2009, 02:49 PM

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

A CALIFORNIA Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane
leaving from DALLAS when the he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've
heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your
fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to
the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or
universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and
a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The California legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss
global warming or universal health care when you don't know ****?'

Squizzy

11-26-2009, 10:28 AM

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast,
they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
:D

MI-Lineman

11-26-2009, 10:37 AM

THIS has Just GOTTA go in the "Joke" Thread!:D

Couple Slips Though Security to Crash State Dinner

AP

The party crashers went through the same security screening as the 300-plus people actually invited to the dinner honoring Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh.

The Washington Post reports that photos from the state dinner appear on the Facebook page of one of the dinner crashers.:D

****!!! I can SEE why SHE got in!!!!

G.D.! Ya beat me to it!:mad: I missed this post yesterday! Don't you have any other hobbies for Christ's sake!

Yeah! She's pretty hot! SLAP!...OUCH!....I TOLD ya not to watch me while I'm postin woman!...OUCH...:eek:

LostArt

11-26-2009, 10:57 AM

To each their own, but she doesn't look hawt to me. http://www.avowners.com/forum/smileys/doh001.gif

Although I do like her outfit. :D

LostArt

11-26-2009, 11:00 AM

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast,
they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
:D

LOL! Just for you Squizzy....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Eq5VQAD5-s

MI-Lineman

11-26-2009, 07:24 PM

To each their own, but she doesn't look hawt to me. http://www.avowners.com/forum/smileys/doh001.gif

Although I do like her outfit. :D

NOBODY COMES CLOSE TO YOU BEAUTIFUL!!!!:D

P.S. Your hubby's not a big guy is he?:eek: Good sense of humor at least?

LostArt

11-26-2009, 07:39 PM

NOBODY COMES CLOSE TO YOU BEAUTIFUL!!!!:D

P.S. Your hubby's not a big guy is he?:eek: Good sense of humor at least?

LOL! You nut. I hope I didn't sound cruel. If I did, I didn't mean to. I've just seen some sexy hawt women in my life, and I wouldn't say she is one of them. But, she ain't ugly by NO MEANS. I'm laughing now......did I just make this worse????? :D

Don't worry. He is a nice size, but he rarely gets mad. Humor? He is married to ME.....what do you think? :D

MI-Lineman

11-26-2009, 07:47 PM

LOL! You nut. I hope I didn't sound cruel. If I did, I didn't mean to. I've just seen some sexy hawt women in my life, and I wouldn't say she is one of them. But, she ain't ugly by NO MEANS. I'm laughing now......did I just make this worse????? :D

Don't worry. He is a nice size, but he rarely gets mad. Humor? He is married to ME.....what do you think? :D

Fhew! I never thought about it? He would have to have a sense of humor to be married to you!:eek:

Just Kiddin!!! I thought what you typed was funny! You didn't sound cruel or even jealous......envious.....etc.....etc....You get the point!:D

Actually! She must be high maintenance! I mean look at her....makeup, jewelry, "fashionable attire" (WOW! Did I just say that?), only settle for the BEST PARTIES!

MAN! I'M STARTING TO FEEL SORRY FOR THE POOR GUY!

loodvig

11-27-2009, 11:25 AM

Italian Honeymoon

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"

Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia , she pack a biga basket a food.

She brough ta da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket.

The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino!

Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga is finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.'

"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice..

'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'

"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus ..

loodvig

12-03-2009, 08:08 AM

Ice Fishing

There were two good ol' boys from Alabama, who love to fish, and they
wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, so
they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just
before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their
tackle. One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick." So they got
that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at
the shop and said, "We're gonna need another dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he
didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour,
he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all the ice picks you've got."

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked,
"how are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the
water yet."

loodvig

12-04-2009, 07:32 AM

From: The International Council of Man Laws.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other guy watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, limegreen, orange or sky blue..

25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox360. End of story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say,'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your Wife squarely on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'

I hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Man Laws.

loodvig

12-04-2009, 10:12 AM

Only In America

Only in America ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America ... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America ... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back
of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes
at the front.

Only in America ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a
diet coke.

Only in America ... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to
the counters.

Only in America ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put, our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have
call waiting so we will not miss a call from someone we did not want to talk
to in the first place.

Only in America ... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages
of eight.

Only in America ... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so
well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America ... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

loodvig

12-05-2009, 03:41 PM

The history of the middle finger. I never knew this before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw (pull the string) on the renowned English longbow, and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew!" Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative �F�, and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird

loodvig

12-08-2009, 09:16 AM

On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in Northern
British Columbia an RCMP constable on patrol came across a
motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet,
stalled by the roadside.

"What's the matter?" asked the Policeman.

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

"Can't."

"OK, Watch me and I will show you."

The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised. The bike
started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the detachment office received a note
of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.

It began:

"On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded ...."

loodvig

12-13-2009, 12:44 PM

Blessed by the Southerners

ATLANTA AIRPORT

You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Some of
you will enjoy this more than others.. Southerners can be so polite!

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound
on runway 9R

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's
runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on
runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's
runway 9R. - Allah is Great."

Pause...

Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING
IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE.. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."

Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful
now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- "

loodvig

12-13-2009, 12:47 PM

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At
the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when
they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is
actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A
ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony
the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking,
the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"

loodvig

12-13-2009, 12:50 PM

End of the World Headlines

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: JON AND KATE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: 'BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT
AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW
"ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

TIME magazine: RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION FOR ETERNITY

Squizzy

12-13-2009, 11:32 PM

An Aussie bloke walks into a Sydney curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway. He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: 'It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story.'

The fella gave the owner his $12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story!'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the drains and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed and ran on towards Sydney Harbour and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster. By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'**** no!' said the bloke, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim, a couple of Asians, a Poof, a Pom and an Indian spin bowler.

Squizzy

12-13-2009, 11:52 PM

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!

'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.
I will show you that I am bigger than that.

If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead and said,

'Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!'

Squizzy

12-13-2009, 11:53 PM

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband,

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods. To find out what the par is for this **** hole."

Highplains Drifter

12-15-2009, 12:36 AM

Fox News and CNN have reported that Elin Nordegren Woods moved to the top of the money list on the PGA Tour yesterday after 'beating' the world's number one golfer. The news came after the world's number one golfer inadvertently played several wrong holes...

Squizzy

12-16-2009, 07:45 PM

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got
to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken *******. You've sh!t the bed !!'

THE KID

12-17-2009, 11:28 PM

Nude Runner*

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a co n d o m when you run?'

'Nope...just when it's raining.'

neil macgregor

12-18-2009, 04:05 PM

how do you get a fat chick into bed

piece of cake

LEAFMAN

12-18-2009, 09:21 PM

This is actually a true story. A buddy of mine has been married for about 8 years, last year his wife decided she wanted a boob job so they took out a loan for about $6000 and went ahead with the procedure. He does all the banking and bill paying. A month ago she handed him a letter while he was in the shower, she wants out of the relationship. They went to the bank to divide all the bills up, she thought she was getting out of paying for the boob job, jokes on her, he put that loan in her name. I couldn't stop laughing.

IN THE SHADOWS

12-19-2009, 08:25 AM

Wanna find out who is really your true friend?
Lock both your dog and your wife in the trunk. In 1 hour, open the trunk and observe which one is happy to see you.:mad::D

Squizzy

12-21-2009, 10:53 PM

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these *****es would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. Can I go now?

loodvig

12-23-2009, 07:39 AM

Subject: 100 MPH Goat
>
> Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon
> a
> huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of
> it.
> The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the
> bottom..
> I wonder how deep it is." The second hunter says" I don't know, let's
> throw
> something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
>
> The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission here,
> give
> me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it
> over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
>
> They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear
> a
> rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat
> come
> crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, and
> jumped in head first.
>
> While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole
> and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
> "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat
> around here anywhere, did you?"
>
> The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing
> here
> a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a
> hunert
> miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
>
> The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a
> transmission!"

loodvig

12-26-2009, 07:18 AM

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

loodvig

01-01-2010, 10:19 AM

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He
can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to
him. He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the
year if any medical needs arise. For this He pays nothing, and nothing is
required of him. He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much
larger than He needs, but He is not required to do any upkeep. If He
makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious
places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is
living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his
costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I
was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in
the head, Holy S#!t, my dog is a democrat!

tramp67

01-02-2010, 04:51 PM

This one's for you, Swamp!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h05ZQ7WHw8Y&NR=1&feature=fvwp

Highplains Drifter

01-03-2010, 02:35 AM

Obama has ordered GM to come out with a new model called the Pelosi.
It's a convertible, but no one wants to see it with the top down.

loodvig

01-04-2010, 10:57 AM

CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything
better and I go to work.. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You got
nice house'

THE KID

01-11-2010, 11:24 PM

A man Up North wakes up one morning to find a
bear on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough,
there's an ad for
"Up North Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says
he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and
a mean old pit bull.

What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof,
then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear
off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to
grab his testicles and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to
put him in the cage in the back of the van.

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

wudwoker51

01-13-2010, 09:15 PM

The Lone Ranger and his trusted mount Silver are captured by a tribe of Indians who quickly decide to execute him in 4 days. On the first night Silver leaves and returns about an hour later with a beautiful blonde aboard who goes into the tepee and spends the night with the Lone Ranger. On the second night Silver leaves again and returns this time with a beautiful redhead who does the same. Before leaving on the third night the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by the ears and looks him straight in the eyes and says OK Silver this is your last chance to save me " I said get POSSE ":)

loodvig

01-17-2010, 09:39 AM

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the Bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house,

Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who Says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a Huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation..

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word..

He looks at her mom..

'She's got a great body,' he thinks.. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the f****** dishes!!!