How About A Joke Thread

[Lizzy Borden]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of
her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker
lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing
some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the
street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She
jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the
trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says
brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath,

the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck
door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is
Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back
to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he
says...
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT
TRUCK!"

[porky]

bill was explaining to fred the wonders of viagra. how he could satisfy betsy and the relationship was going well. fred wanted to know were he could get his hands on some of this wonder pill, and bill told him he could get all he wanted at the drug store. puzled fred asked if he could get it over the counter, to witch bill replied if i take 2

[loodvig]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of
her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker
lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing
some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the
street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She
jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the
trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says
brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath,

the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck
door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is
Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back
to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he
says...
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT
TRUCK!"

[Squizzy]

I saw a bumper sticker the other day on a large 4 wheel drive it said
"Did you miss your cat? Because i didn't!"

[Squizzy]

A lady asks her husband if she can have a breast enlargement. Her husband replies and says" i have a cheaper solution, take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts twice a day for a couple years".to which she replies "well thats not going to do anything"
"But thats where you are wrong" the husband replies, "Just have a look at what has done to your ass!"

[Squizzy]

Guts or balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do
you really



know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,


the definition for each is listed below.

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being

assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are

you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of

perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass

and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject

[Squizzy]

A jumbo jet is coming into Brisbane Airport on its final approach.The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Brisbane. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Brisbane."
He forgets to switch off the intercom.
Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Brisbane?"
Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.
Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge boobs and hot ass out
for dinner.
I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my
room, and put it in her big time all night."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking
up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane.
She's so embarrassed that she starts to run toward the cockpit to turn the
intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she
goes.
The old lady leans over and says:
"No need to hurry, dear, He's gotta take a **** first."

[Squizzy]

A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg.
His friend says, "My feet are cold mate .
Can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please."
The guy goes upstairs,
and there are his mate's gorgeous twin 18 year old daughters.
"Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His mate yells back, "Yea of course, both of them."

[Squizzy]

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the
tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the
apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

The apples at the top think
something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They
just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave
enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men .... Men are like a fine wine. They begin
as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the **** out of them until
they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

[Squizzy]

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his
father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car.
His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal
with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get
your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father
if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the
father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud
of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible
diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've
been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses
had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied, "Yes, and they walked every where they
went."

[Squizzy]

An Arab-American family was considering putting their grandfather in
a
nursing home. All the Muslim facilities were completely full, so
they
ended
up putting him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish
facility, they come to visit grandpa. "How do you like it here?"
asks
the
grandson. It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and
respectful,"
says grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were so worried that this
was
the
wrong place for you." "Let me tell you about how wonderfully they
treat
the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a
musician
here -- he's got to be 85-years old. He hasn't played the violin in
20
years
and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! And there's a physician
here --
at
least 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for over 25
years
and
everyone still calls him 'Doctor'! And me, I haven't had sex for 30
years
and they still call me "The ****ing Arab!"

[Squizzy]

Mujibar was trying to get into Australia legally through Immigration.

The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests,
except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter
Australia."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and
Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up,
and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

[Squizzy]

Message
Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by
the telephone.

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour
but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex
fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the
entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the
week."

PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those
unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!"

Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad...
Brutain?..."

PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"

Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"

PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck."

Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion
condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know
how bug the Kiwis really are!!"

Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of
need.

Three days later a van arrives in Auckland - full of boxes.

A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10
unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. She then
notices in small writing on each and ivery one.........








MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM


Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie .... Oy Oy Oy

[Squizzy]

A Priest was seated next to an Aussie on a flight to New Zealand . After

the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Aussie asked for a Bundy rum and Coke, which was brought and placed
before him.

The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen *****s
than let liquor touch my lips."

The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Me too.

I didn't know we had a choice.

[Squizzy]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my
husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.Just as I got in the door,
the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a
quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12
cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in,
and I told him "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all.
Whew!
Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When asked him why? He said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh ****!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[Squizzy]

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year
old girl.
After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse
came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This is amazing. How do
you
do it at your age?" He answered " You've got to keep that old motor
running." The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said
"You really are amazing. How do you do it?" He again said "You've got
to keep the old motor running." The same thing happened the next year.
The nurse said "You must be quite a man." He responded "You've got to keep
that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you had better
change the oil. This one's black."

[Moe]

> Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you
> sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of
these
> questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila?.
>
> Tequila? is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about
> yourself and your actions. Tequila? can help ease you out of your shyness
> and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about
> anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila? almost immediately, and
> with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that
prevent
> you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will
be
> a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you
> had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila?.
>
> Tequila? may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing
> should not use Tequila?. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or
> becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include
> dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of
> motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity,
> delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth,
and
> a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth
Or
> Dare, and Naked Twister.
>
>
>

[Moe]

>> This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota,
> Florida.
>>
>> An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her
> car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped
> her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of
> her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
>>
>> The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and
>> ran
> like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping
> bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so
> shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and
> tried, and then it dawned on her why...For the same reason she di! d not
> understand why there was a football, a frisbee and two 12 packs in the
> front
> seat.
>>
>> A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces
> farther down.
>>
>> She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to
> report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop
> laughing.
>> He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were
> reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less
> than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair and carrying a large
> handgun.

[lineman641]

A driver is stuck in traffic...nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man
knocks on his window. The driver cracks the window and asks, "What's
happened?"

The man replies, "Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted
Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They're demanding a $10
million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they're going to douse them with
gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up
a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a gallon."

[LINETRASH]

A man answerd a for sale ad for a "talking dog"

Upon meeting the owners, he asked if the dog really talked.

"Just ask him" was the reply.

"Are you really a talking dog?"asked the prospective buyer.

"Sure am." the dog replied to the astonished man.

"Wow! with a talent like that, I'll bet you have a story to tell!"

"As a matter of fact, I started as a puppy working for the CIA spying in different countries, I provided vital information by eavesdropping on foriegn diplomats."

"Then I got tired of that, wanted to settle down. So I moved to LA and got a job at the airport listining in on coversations, and twarted several Hijackings"

"I have puppies all over the world, and have broke *****es hearts in every port."

"Thats amazing!" gushed the man, turning to the owner, he asked for the price of the dog.

"10 bucks." was the reply.

"10 bucks?!? Why so cheap?"

"'cause he's a liar, he never did any of that ****!"

[BigClive]

Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman are showing each other presents they've bought for their wives.

The Englishman says. "I've bought mine a diamond ring and silk gloves.... That way if she doesn't like the ring she can wear a glove over it."

The Irishman says. "I've bought mine a pearl necklace and a chiffon scarf... That way if she doesn't like the necklace she can wear the scarf over it."

The Scotsman says. "I've bought my wife a vibrator and a fur coat... That way if she doesn't like the fur coat she can go and **** herself."

[Squizzy]

Whats the best thing about recieving oral sex?

The 10 minutes of silence!

[Squizzy]

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy
matches, going to the beach and BBQ's.
He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.
On theSecond Day, God created water - for surfing, swimming and BBQ's on the
beach, and God saw that it was good.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.
On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops,
sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.
On the Fifth day God created a Bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach,
drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.
On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed
someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the
barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.
On the Seventh Day God looked> around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes.
He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good . well . almost good.
He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, To cook and to clean the barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.
It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!
IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!!

[Squizzy]

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy . ...



. . . you just hoped nobody ever found out!

[harley]

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at
everything, he notices a very lifelike life- sized bronze statue of a rat.



It has no price tag, but is so striking that he decides he must have it. He
takes it to the owner and asks, "How much for this bronze rat?"

The owner replies, "$12 for the rat and $100 for the story". The tourist
gives the man $12 and says, "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the
story."

As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few
real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him
down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But
within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to
hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay,
looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are
squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the
bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of
rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.

The man walks back to the curio shop.

"Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?" "No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat, a
bronze Muslim cleric & anything French."

[harley]

http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b6df07b3127cce968b20d4769800000016108AcsWjJk2aNk

http://www.powerlineman.com/lforum/images/icons/icon8.gif In ten years this won't be a joke

[harley]

1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group,discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise,craps on
everything, and then leaves.
3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a
cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going
on.
7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch
potato.
8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What
Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working
to stay home with the kids.
9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
whiny.
10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's
workplace.
12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but
you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) another prime example - Michael Jackson.
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.
14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above
the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message
"404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.
16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the
same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints,strip malls, and
subdivisions.
17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake)
18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.
19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube
Farm.

[Moe]

On the evening of their 50th anniversary, a reminiscing wife
found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She
went to her husband, a retired Marine pilot, and said, "Honey, do
you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said, "Yes dear, I do.
You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said
to me that night?"
He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."
" Well, what was it?" she asked.
He was not much in the mood for this, but, he sighed and
responded, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said; 'Oh baby, I'm going
to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.' "
She giggled and said, "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly
what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same
negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down and replied, "Mission accomplished!"

[loodvig]

Whats the best thing about recieving oral sex?

The 10 minutes of silence!

And......the worst thing is the view!! LOL

[loodvig]

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science fair. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment.
In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical “dihydrogen monoxide.” And for plenty of good reasons:

1. It can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. It is a major component of acid rain
3. It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. Accidental inhalation can kill you
5. It contributes to erosion
6. It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer
He asked fifty people if they supported a ban of the chemical.

Forty-three said yes and six were undecided. Only one knew that the chemical, “dihydrogen monoxide” was water. The title of his prize winning project was, “How Gullible are We?” He feels the conclusion is obvious.

[loodvig]

Getting a Divorce

A man and his wife were in the court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumping up and down said: 'Your Honor. I brought the child into the world with pain an labor. She should be in my custody.
The judge turns to the husband and says ' What do you have to say in your defense? The man sat for a while contemplating..then slowly rose. Your Honor.
If I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out.. whose Pepsi is it .. the machine's or mine?

[Squizzy]

A lady goes to the dentist with severe tooth ache. After a couple of minutes of examination by the dentist he says to her "this tooth will need to be pulled out!"
"Oh no you can't do that i detest having teeth pulled out i would rather give birth than that!" she replied
"Well" responds the dentist "can you hurry up and make your mind up so i know how far to recline the chair!"

[DuFuss]

12 year old boy comes home from school and tells his mom he has a secret. "I had sex with my teacher." the boy explains. Disgusted his mom sends him to his room to wait until his father gets home. When his dad arrives she tells him what happened. The father smiles then quickly puts a disgusted looking face in front of his wife and storms down the hall. He opens the door to his sons room then closes it behind him. Congratulating the boy he tells him that he should get a reward. The two of them go down the street to the bicycle shop and pick out a brand new bike. Walking home the father asks "You're not going to ride it home?" "No, my butts still sore." says the boy.

[loodvig]

Ten reasons men prefer guns over women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN !

[loodvig]

Dear Pets:


When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.


The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.


The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.


I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.


Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.


My CD's and DVD's are not miniature Frisbees.


For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. When I exit this room, I will come out the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years. Canine/Feline attendance has never been necessary.


The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other animal or your butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.


In return for your following these simple rules, I have posted the following message on our front door:


Our Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:


1. They live here. You don't.


2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.


3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.


4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.


5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

[barehander]

Ralph arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit accompanied by another man. The IRS guy assumed the other man was Ralph's attorney.

Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it appears that you live at a much higher level than your reported employment income. How do you explain that?"

Ralph replied, "I love to gamble and I usually win."

The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look.

"I can prove it," said Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"

Ralph removed his glass eye and bit it.

The official's jaw dropped. Ralph said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The official could tell Ralph wasn't blind, so he took the bet.

Ralph then removed his dentures and bit his good eye.

The stunned official was now three grand in the hole

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asked. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on your desk and piss into that wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again!

Ralph climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket completely, and pretty much peed all over the desk.

The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win! But then he noticed that Ralph's friend looked ashen and was visibly shaking.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

The man replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, Ralph bet me twenty thousand dollars he'd piss on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

[Squizzy]

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while
they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly
jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

The medical director learned of Mary's heroic act. He immediately
wrote
orders for her discharge from the hospital. He considered her mentally
stable. When he went to tell Mary the news. He said, "Mary, I have
good
news and bad news. The good news is you're going to be discharged. You
jumped into the pool and saved the life of another patient. I believe
you've regained your full mental capacity and you are able to function
normally in society. Here are your discharge papers.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved,hung himself in the
bathroom
with the belt to his bathrobe. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry."

[Squizzy]

Two basketball teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a
double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Jupiter's. The Brunette
team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top
level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when
one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she
found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight- ahead at the road,
clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great
time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and
whispered.

...."YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!

[Squizzy]

Mujibar was trying to get into Australia legally through Immigration.
The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests,
except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Australia."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and
Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up,
and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

[Moe]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all
this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye
call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, repl ied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became
a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious
fur coat, titl e deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a

$5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold
Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition
convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country
club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New
Years Eve on board my new yach t in the Riviera
and... ."


"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said
a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

[harley]

Hunting Regulations Regarding theTaking and Harvesting of Attorneys

Texas Parks & Wildlife Commission. Sec 370.01



Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license may also
hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport(non-commercial)
purposes.
Sec 370.02

Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of
United
States currency as bait, however, is prohibited. Sec 370.03

Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
inspection
for rabies and vermin. Sec 370.04

The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited,
unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an
attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney
should be removed to the roadside and the vehicle should proceed
immediately to the nearest car wash. Sec 370.05

It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat,
helicopter or aircraft. Sec 370.06

It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE SCOTCH" for
the
purposes of trapping attorneys. Sec 370.07

It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or
Porsche dealerships except on Wednesday afternoon. Sec 370.08

It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law
libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels except on
Saturday and Sunday.
Sec 370.09

If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a
license to hunt, trap, bag, shoot or possess the same. Use of any type
killing device is legal including shotguns with the choke removed, high
powered rifles, handguns of any caliber, all types and kinds of game
traps
and snares. Poisoning is prohibited because of the danger to
rattlesnakes,
coyotes and skunks. Sec 370.10

It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise such as a reporter, drug
dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie,
physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting
attorneys. Sec 370.11

Bag and Possession Limits per day:

Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2
Two-faced tortfeasors, 1
Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3
Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2
Minutiae-advocating dirtbags, 4 Honest attorneys are protected under the Endangered Species Act and can
normally be identified because they do not wear Rolex watches, drive a
Porsche,
BMW or other expensive luxury automobile or wear $500 shoes and $1500
suits.

[BubbaT]

A deaf-mute couple were having problems in the sack at night in the dark communuicating to each other if they wanted to have sex that night. So the next day the woman communuicates to the man in sign language and says "From now on, at night, if you want to have sex right then tug on my breast 1 time and if you don't, tug on my breast 3 times" To this the man responds, "Thats good thinking--the same goes for me. If you want to have sex tug on my pecker 1 time and if you don't want to have sex tug on it 103 times".

[highlineswitcher]

this happened to me so beware while shopping at home depot and putting the stuff into my car two very beutiful young women come over and start washing my windows .now being a normal male species looking at two scantly dressed women gets my hopes up high . I walk to them thank them both offer a few bucks for washing my windows ,but all they want is a ride to another store so they we are in my car the two of them start kissing each other the one in front unzipps my pants and proceeds with nothing else on my mind then whats happening at the moment ,I cant help but to drive around a bit till its finished. not until after I drop them off I realise my wallets stolen. that happened on yesterday ,again today,probably twice tomorow.

[RWD]

In high school me and the guys I hung with made a promise never to go out with a girl from our school. It was not that they were ugly or mean it was because we always ran together and felt it would not be fair to a local girl to be around all of us all the time. It worked for most of my time in High School. One day a new girl moved in. She was my dream! I could not get over her intelegence and other assets. I realized that for this girl I would have to break the rules.

I was not a jock or in the "popular" groups. I was in my group. I'd say we were a bunch of misfits that did not fit in any other group. Hell I only had 2 or 3 girls that would even look at me let alone talk to me. I had to wait my turn.

Christina was here name. Christina went out on a few dates with the most popular jock in school and he dumped her. Then she went through a few other guys and it seemed that she never made it past the 3rd date. I finaly decided it was my time to tale her out. I asked her and much to my suprise .... she said yes!

About 6 dates later my buds started slowly shying away from me. I finally cornered Danny Caldwell and asked him what was up. "Big Dog" says he "We always thought you was a mover with the ladies but son if you don't know by now .... somebody has to tell you. Word has it that there girl is a transvestite." Boys I was floored. You could'a knocked me down with a blow drier on low from 5 feet away! "No she's not says I" Defending my damsels honor! I decided to find out that very night! We went out to dinner and decided that tonight would be a nice night to visit Titty Butte. (before you question the name ... It's on the map just south of Kuna Idaho)

It was one of those moonlit nights. The ones where the moon is so bright that you could read a book with fine type under the night sky. The moon was right there close and bright. We parked my MGA at the butte and settled in. I knew for a fact that the upper part of the plumbing was real.... but according to school boy rumor a transvestite might have a real top with additional fixtures below the waist! "Dog" she says "I got to go to the bathroom" As she got out an idea formed in my mind .... I opened my door as she closed hers..... Now I grew up a cowboy .... I know how to injun too. She was over by the sagebrush a squated down like a normal girl and I injun'd over an took me a peek. Shore e'nuf under that bright shinny moon I was able to see that there was a somthin' hanging down. I got pissed ... real pissed ... not the I'm pissed so I'm going to drive off and leave IT there pissed but the grabbing and beating pissed! I reached and grabbed that thing. I was going to rip it off and feed it to it's owner. Boy was I pissed! "Dog" says she "Dog! I didn't know you were a peeping Tom!" "Christina" says I .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ................."I didn't know you had to take a **** either!"

Never beleive a rumor until you've not only seen it with your own eyes but touched it with your own hands too!

RWD

[BigClive]

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers
question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 3 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President
when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after
recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a
question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.

"Bobby," he responds.

"And what is your question, Bobby?"

"Actually, I have 5 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President
when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the
recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, what happened to Stanley?"

[BigClive]

Woman at a party see's a very stern millitary major standing at the side of the hall. She walks up to him and starts chatting.

Woman. "Hi there are you having a good time."
Major. "Yes thankyou."
Woman. "You just seem sort of lonely."
Major. "I'm fine thankyou.
Woman. "I hope this isn't too personal, but when was the last time you had sex?"
Major. "1955"
Woman. "OH NO! That's too long. Come with me and I'll show you a good time."

She takes him to her room and they have vigorous sex. Finally the woman stops and gasping for breath says.... "That was incredible! You certainly haven't forgotten much since 1955."

Major looks at his watch. "I should hope not it's only 21.30 now."

[loodvig]

His and Her Oil Change Instructions


Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent

Oil Change $20.00

Coffee $1.00

Total $21.00

========= =================================================

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

Cool Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.

Cuss.

12) Crawl out from! under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.

Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required t o stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00

DUI $2500.00

Impound fee $75.00

Bail $1500.00

Beer $40.00

Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

[Outlaw Lineman]

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy
in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the
guy in the Rolls, " Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls ?"
The guy in the Rolls says, " Yes, of course I do."
" I got one too... see ?" the Texan says.
" Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice," replies the man in the Rolls.
" You got a fax machine ?" asks the Texan. " Why, actually, yes, I do."
" I do too ! See ? It's right here !" brags the Texan.
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen
says, " So, do you have a double bed in back there ?"
The guy in the Rolls replies, " NO! Do you ?"
" Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan
replies. The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he
immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to! put a double
bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car
and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the
Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his
Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat
awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps
on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.
The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack & peeks out.
The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me ?"
" Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up ?"
" Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls now!"
The Texan replies, "You mean you got me out of the shower just to tell
me that!"

[BigClive]

Lineman goes up to his old gaffer and says..

"Hey Bill. Do you know you've got a suppository in your ear?"

Bill says.. "****! No wonder I couldn't find my hearing aid this morning."

[BigClive]

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old
girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he
helped deliver the baby. Very diligently Kathleen did as she was asked.
Her mother Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was
born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his
bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her
help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she
had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in
the first place. Smack his butt again."

[loodvig]

Wade was stopped by a Game Warden in Tenn. recently with 2 ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for it's fishin'.
The Game Warden asked Wade' " Do you have a license to catch those fish?" "Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there licenses, No. You must understand these are pet fish. " Pet Fish?" said the Game Warden,
Yeah, every night I take these fish down to da lake and let them swim around a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into these
here ice chests and then I take them home." "thats a bunch of hooey!
Fish! Can't do that! says the Game Warden.
Wade looked at the Game Warden for a moment and said, " It's the
truth Mr. Goverment man, I'll show you. It really works." " Okay," said
the Game Warden I've got to see this!" Wade' poured the fish back into the lake and stood and waited. After several mins., the Game warden
turned to him and said " Well?" "Well What?" said Wade The Game Warden said, " When you going to call them back?" Wade said " Call
Who back?" " The Fish!" replied the Game Warden. "What Fish ?" answered Wade. We here in Ohio. may not be as smart as some city slickers, But we aren't as dumb as most Goverment Employees

[loodvig]

Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua, New York..
But on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same
street corner, day after day.

With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for
what was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty dollars!" she would shout from the curb.


"No, five dollars!" fired back Clinton.

This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell back
,"Five dollars!"

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her
husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill
realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what
he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the Senator.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill
became even more apprehensive than usual.


Sure enough, there was the hooker.

Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five bucks?"

[harley]

30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a **** who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
09. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
08. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
07. What's Nascar?
06. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
05. That chili is too hot
04. I don't have a favorite college team.
03. You Guys.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.


AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

01. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving!

[Squizzy]

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great
length of time, someone asked , "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$35,000 for a female brain, and $3,200 for a male brain"
The moment turned awkward.Women in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the men, but some actually smirked. A woman unable to control
his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the female brain so much more ?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group,
"It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the male brains, because they've actually been used."

[BigClive]

Sleazy driver:- "Hey kid, I'll give you some candy if you come in my car."

Kid:- "Give me the whole bag and I'll come in yer face."

Yeah tasteless, but I was told it while doing my scaffold exam today and thought it was funny.

[dirtdobber]

the husband had just finished reading the book,MAN OF THE HOUSE. he stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a fingure in her face,he said"FROM NOW ON ,I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE,AND MY WORD IS LAW! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,and when I am finished eating my meal,I expect asumptious dessert afterward. then,after dinner,you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. and when Im finished with my bath,guess whos going to dress me and comb my hair? WIFES REPLY "THE **** FUNERAL DIRECTOR WOULD BE MY GUESS"

[Squizzy]

European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"with "z" and "w" with "v"
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

[Squizzy]

Q; Why do police have so much trouble solving hill-billy homicides?
A; Due to the lack of dental records.......

[boyakasha]

Sleazy driver:- "Hey kid, I'll give you some candy if you come in my car."

Kid:- "Give me the whole bag and I'll come in yer face."

Yeah tasteless, but I was told it while doing my scaffold exam today and thought it was funny.


THATS A FAVOURITE OF CHUBBY BROWN
WHO ATE ALL THE PIES, WHO ATE ALL PIES,YOU FAT ******* , YOU FAT *******.. GET IN

[BigClive]

Lineman walks into his wifes bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"This is the pig I shag when you've got a headache"
His wife looks up and says: "That's a sheep you *******."
Lineman says: "I wasn't talking to you."

[Squizzy]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little Red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighters helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks", the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the wagon to her dogs collar and to the cats testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cats collar too, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[Squizzy]

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me"

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...

So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful *******s should remember fairies are female.

[hammer13]

You know the world has gone mad when the best rapper is a white guy,the best golfer is a black guy, a landlocked country holds the America's Cup,France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance and the Germans don't want to go to war

[loodvig]

Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same

After That ****ed Gay Cowboy Movie (Brokeback Mountain)



1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"



2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"



3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."



4. "Howdy, pardner."



5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."



6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."



7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."



8. "Let's mount up!"



9. "Nice spread ya got there!"



10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

[loodvig]

SMOKING KILLS. AND IF YOU'RE KILLED, YOU'VE LOST A VERY IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR LIFE."
- Brooke Shields

"THE PRESIDENT HAS KEPT ALL OF THE PROMISES HE INTENDED TO KEEP."
- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"

"THE POLICE ARE NOT HERE TO CREATE DISORDER. THEY'RE HERE TO PRESERVE DISORDER."
- Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention

"IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE REDWOOD TREE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL."
- Forestry expert Ronald Reagan

"TRADITIONALLY, MOST OF AUSTRALIA'S IMPORTS COME FROM OVERSEAS."
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

"IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN THE GREAT STATE OF CHICAGO."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"THE STREETS ARE SAFE IN PHILADELPHIA. IT'S ONLY THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE THEM UNSAFE."
- Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo

"THE INTERNET IS A GREAT WAY TO GET ON THE NET."
- Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

"IT IS BAD LUCK TO BE SUPERSTITIOUS."
- Andrew Mathis

"IT'S LIKE AN ALCATRAZ AROUND MY NECK."
- Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces

"I WAS RECENTLY ON A TOUR OF LATIN AMERICA, AND THE ONLY REGRET I HAVE WAS THAT I DIDN'T STUDY LATIN HARDER IN SCHOOL SO I COULD CONVERSE WITH THOSE PEOPLE."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"THEY'RE MULTIPURPOSE. NOT ONLY DO THEY PUT THE CLIPS ON, BUT THEY TAKE THEM OFF."
- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers

"WE'RE GOING TO TURN THIS TEAM AROUND 360 DEGREES."
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE SOME REPORTERS PAWING THROUGH OUR PAPERS. WE ARE THE PRESIDENT."
- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"WHEN MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE THROWN OUT OF WORK, UNEMPLOYMENT RESULTS."
- Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

"CHINA IS A BIG COUNTRY, INHABITED BY MANY CHINESE."
- Former French President Charles de Gaulle

"THAT LOWDOWN SCOUNDREL DESERVES TO BE KICKED TO DEATH BY A JACKASS, AND I'M JUST THE ONE TO DO IT."
- A congressional candidate in Texas

"THINGS ARE MORE LIKE THEY ARE NOW THAN THEY EVER WERE BEFORE."
- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

"A BILLION HERE, A BILLION THERE -- SOONER OR LATER IT ADDS UP TO REAL MONEY."
- Everett Dirksen

"I DON'T FEEL WE DID WRONG IN TAKING THIS GREAT COUNTRY AWAY FROM THEM. THERE WERE GREAT NUMBERS OF PEOPLE WHO NEEDED NEW LAND, AND THE INDIANS WERE SELFISHLY TRYING TO KEEP IT FOR THEMSELVES."
- John Wayne

"HALF THIS GAME IS NINETY PERCENT MENTAL."
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"IT ISN'T POLLUTION THAT'S HARMING THE ENVIRONMENT. IT'S THE IMPURITIES IN OUR AIR AND WATER THAT ARE DOING IT."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"WITHOUT CENSORSHIP, THINGS CAN GET TERRIBLY CONFUSED IN THE PUBLIC MIND."
- General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam

"WHAT A WASTE IT IS TO LOSE ONE'S MIND. OR NOT TO HAVE A MIND IS BEING VERY WASTEFUL. HOW TRUE THAT IS."
- Former U.S. Vice- President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for
the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste."

"IF YOU LET THAT SORT OF THING GO ON, YOUR BREAD AND BUTTER WILL BE CUT RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER YOUR FEET."
- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

"I LOVE CALIFORNIA. I PRACTICALLY GREW UP IN PHOENIX."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

[BigClive]

Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same

After That ****ed Gay Cowboy Movie (Brokeback Mountain)


11. Say Mister, is that a pistol in your pants?

12. I'm going to round me up a posse and have a goooood time.

13. Do these chaps make my ass look big?

14. Ah guess ah'll just mosey on up the sheriffs back passage.

(Yeah OK, they're getting a bit contrived now.) :)

[harley]

Three buddies decided to take their wives on a week-long vacation to Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, the men sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy said, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers, '7 come 11'
all night, and I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

The second guy said, "I know what you mean. My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there, and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, 'Hit me light' or 'hit me hard!' and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

The third guy said, "You guys think you have it bad! My wife played the slots the whole time we were there, and I wake up each morning with a sore pecker and an ass full of quarters."

[Squizzy]

20 Things you can only say at Christmas......

1. I prefer breasts to legs.
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18.That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!

[Squizzy]

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year
old girl.
After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse
came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This is amazing. How do
you
do it at your age?" He answered " You've got to keep that old motor
running." The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said
"You really are amazing. How do you do it?" He again said "You've got
to keep the old motor running." The same thing happened the next year.
The nurse said "You must be quite a man." He responded "You've got to keep
that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you had better
change the oil. This one's black."

[Squizzy]

"The Urinal Is Too High"

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the
local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon),but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."
"No, ma'am, " he replied, "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."

[Squizzy]

It's a beautiful, warm, spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose fitting; almost see through pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape
exhibit,they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla.
Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand(and2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand.He is obviously excited at the pretty woman in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny.
He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.
She does, and Mr Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up and flashing your wares" he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy, and now he's doing flips and has a hard-on like a baseball bat.Then the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage,flings her in with the gorilla, and slams the cage door shut and yells
"Now tell HIM you've got a headache!"

[loodvig]

There was an old man named Leo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey.

"Anywhere I go, she goes."

"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Leo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.

''Great!'' replied Leo. ''How much do I have to pay?'' he asks.

''One thousand dollars for the food.''

''But I haven't touched the food."

''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV."

''But I didn't even know how to turn the **** thing on!''

''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."

''But I slept on the floor!''

''It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."

''You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.''

''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey.''

''It was there. You should have!''

[loodvig]

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

[Squizzy]

A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg.
His friend says, "My feet are cold mate .
Can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please."
The guy goes upstairs,
and there are his mate's gorgeous twin 18 year old daughters.
"Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His mate yells back, "Yea of course, both of them."

_______________________________________________

[Squizzy]

When Shane Warne and Simone first got married Shane said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 10 years of marriage, Simone had never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 10th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.
Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.
That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Simone could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed,saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in.
But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"
Shane thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Simone was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened by your behaviour.
However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."
Shane thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Simone asked Shane, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Shane answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, Itook them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash."

[loodvig]

Why we split up.

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have
to quit. Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.
And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.

[loodvig]

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday.

His wife said that for him to get out of trouble, "Tomorrow there had better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday. It will be a closed casket affair.

[harley]

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Montana in Missoula.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.




One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard.
A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.


One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment.
They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear.
And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.
So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb.
The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.
He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip.
In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle!
I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD!
But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.
We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.
And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.
He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.
He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it,
circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[Squizzy]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[loodvig]

A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Cajun says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.



"What's this?" the boss asks?

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.
"Fair enough," says the boss.

"Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."



The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."



The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred. So, when I start?"

[h0tgl0v3r]

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ....... times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man that ever lived, an Adonis whom women will swoon over and flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM!!! - She's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, That will make your husband the richest man in the world by far. And he will be ten times richer than you. "The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM!!! - She's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and after careful consideration she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack"

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
ATTENTION female readers: This is the end of the joke for you.
Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll
down.















The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart; Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women are nosey cows and never listen!!! ;)

[Squizzy]

HA HA HA thats funny Swamp :D

[harley]

I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade. In this manner, he traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted me.



And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an "epiphany", a moment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear. Yes, hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do... Quit drinking before noon.

[JD426H]

Zarqawi forgot to duck when the **** hit the fan.......and it was the last word he ever said!

[loodvig]

Dr. Phil Was Conducting A Group Therapy Session With Four Young Mothers And Their Small Children

"you All Have Obsessions," He Observed.

To The First Mother, He Said, "you Are Obsessed With Eating.. You've Even Named Your Daughter Candy."


He Turned To The Second Mom. "your Obsession Is With Money.. Again, It Manifests Itself In Your Child's Name, Penny."

He Turns To The Third Mom. "your Obsession Is Alcohol. This, Too, Manifests Itself In Your Child's Name, Brandy."

At This Point, The Fourth Mother Gets Up, Takes Her Little Boy By The Hand And Says Come On **** We're Leaving

[loodvig]

A young hillbilly named Kenny moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for

$100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.



The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."



Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."



The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."



Kenny said, "OK, then just bring me the dead donkey."



The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"



Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off."



The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey."



Kenny said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."



A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"



Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 a piece and made a profit of $998.00."



The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"



Kenny said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back.



Kenny eventually became the chairman of Enron.

[Squizzy]

Good one SBatts i just got that one not 2minutes ago! and was about to post it! Thought that was amusingly freaky you don't know anyone in Perth Western Australia by any chance?

[Squizzy]

Ahhhh beer! shouldn't talk about it in the joke thread beer is serious business but if you do come over a beer or ten it is...

[Squizzy]

Did you hear about the dislexic, agnostic insomniac?
He lays awake at night thinking is there really a dog....

[loodvig]

Morris And His Wife Esther Went To The State Fair Every
Year. Every Year, Morris Would Say, "esther, I 'd Like To
Ride In That Helicopter."

Esther Always Replied, " I Know Morris, But That Helicopter
Ride Is 50 Dollars And 50 Dollars Is 50 Dollars."

A Few Years Later, Esther And Morris Went To The Fair.

Morris Said, "esther, I'm 85 Years Old. If I Don't Ride
That Helicopter Now, I Might Never Get Another ! Chance."

Esther Replied, "morris, That Helicopter Is 50 Dollars And
$50 Dollars Is 50 Dollars."

The Pilot Overheard The Couple. He Said, "folks, I'll Make
You A Deal. I'll Take The Both Of You For A Ride. If You Can
Stay Quiet For The Entire Ride And Not Say A Word, I Won't
Charge You! But If You Say One Word, It's 50 Dollars."

Morris And Esther Agreed -- And Up They Went.

The Pilot Did All Kinds Of Fancy Maneuvers.

But Not A Word Was Heard.

He Did His Daredevil Tricks Over And Over Again, But Still
Not A Word.

When They Landed, The Pilot Turned To Morris. He Said, "by
Golly, I Did Everything I Could To Get You To Yell Out, But
You Didn't. I'm Impressed!"

Morris Replied, "well, I Was Going To Say Something When
Esther Fell Out, But 50 Dollars Is 50 Dollars."

[hammer13]

Ahhhh beer! shouldn't talk about it in the joke thread beer is serious business but if you do come over a beer or ten it is...
all depends which brand your talking about

[hammer13]

This word has been used by many famous people throughout history;here are just a few examples

What the f**k was that....Mayor of Hiroshima
Where's all that f**king water coming from ....Captain of the Titanic
Who's going to f**king know....President Richard Nixon
Where the f**k are we....Christopher Colombus
It does so f**king look like her....Picasso
Scattered showers my f**king arse....Noah
Where's that f**king black magic gone now....Dennis Connor
Look at all those f** ing indians General Custer
You want f**king what on the f**king ceiling....Michaelangelo

[hammer13]

What are two words that will end your sex life?


Wedding cake!how 'bout "I DO"

[Squizzy]

Q/ How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A/ You marry her!

Q/ Why do women wear white om their wedding day?
A/ To match all the other house hold appliances!

[loodvig]

Earl was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Joan to the hardware store.

At the hardware store, Joan saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Carl was finished, Joan asked "How much for the teapot?"

Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $300!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Joan exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Earl had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Carl yelled, "Joan, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Joan replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

[loodvig]

A married couple was on a holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such,when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex "Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed,but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming: "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!"

[loodvig]

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes wentby and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid **** and act like an *******. ................So, He sent me."

[loodvig]

IF YOU LAUGH....YOU'LL GO TO HELL!!!!
>
>Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
>One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices
>there's a Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at the other
>priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that
>patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."
>
>The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down
>to two butts a day."

[loodvig]

http://www.streamload.com/amosprod/bigdeck.wmv

[BigClive]

Praise the LORD! (with farts)

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7986664699953384686&q=fart

[Squizzy]

We all know those cute little computer symbols (hate them!) called emoticons," where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown.
Well, how about some " ARSE ICONS?"
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular arse

(__!__) a fat arse

(!) a tight arse

(_*_) a sore arse

{_!_} a swishy arse

(_o_) an arse that's been around

(_x_) kiss my arse

(_X_) leave my arse alone

(_zzz_) a tired arse

(_E=mc2_) a smart arse

(_$_) Money coming out of his arse

(_?_) Dumb Arse

[Squizzy]

Praise the LORD! (with farts)

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7986664699953384686&q=fart

Ha ha I wonder what misguided 'sole came up with that!

[loodvig]

Have you ever wondered where the guy in the lane next to you was from?? Here is how you can tell...


DOES HE HAVE:

One hand on wheel,
One hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel,
One hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel,
One hand in pants, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California*
*with gun in lap: L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on Latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

One hand on wheel,
One hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male

One hand on wheel,
One hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair,
One hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado

One hand on steering, yelling obscenities, the other hand a waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plates.

[Squizzy]

Two gay men decide to have a baby.
They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of whom are crying and screaming.One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child is theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Robert says to Bobby. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."
The nurse says,
"Oh, sure he's happy now, but just watch what happens when we take the dummy out of his ARSE !

[Squizzy]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colours:green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.The old man just stared. Every time the teenager looked, the old man was staring.
The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer,never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[TEX]

The Drunk
A DRUNK GETS UP FROM THE BAR AND HEADS FOR THE BATHROOM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A LOUD, BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM IS HEARD FROM THE BATHROOM.

A FEW MINUTES AFTER THAT, ANOTHER LOUD SCREAM REVERBERATES THROUGHOUT THE BAR.

THE BARTENDER GOES INTO THE BATHROOM TO INVESTIGATE WHY THE DRUNK IS SCREAMING


"WHAT'S ALL THE SCREAMING ABOUT IN THERE? YOU'RE SCARING THE CUSTOMERS!"

"I'M JUST SITTING HERE ON THE TOILET AND EVERY TIME I TRY TO FLUSH, SOMETHING COMES UP AND SQUEEZES MY TESTICLES."
WITH THAT, THE BARTENDER OPENS THE DOOR, LOOKS IN AND SAYS


"YOU IDIOT! YOU'RE SITTING ON THE MOP BUCKET!"

[Limey Bill]

A SMALL WHITE DOT



A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something 'exciting' and relate it to the class the next day.



When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class ..... and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and then sat back down.



Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

"It's a period," he replied.

"I can see that ," said the teacher, "but what is so 'exciting' about a period?"

"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was 'missing' one. Mommy fainted ; daddy had a heart attack , and the boy next door joined the Navy.

[Limey Bill]

This is hilarious!

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7635587316493151891 (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7635587316493151891)

[Moe]

Subject: a political chicken
>
> John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred
> young layers (hens), called "pullets" and eight or ten roosters, whose job
> was to fertilize the eggs.
>
> The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the
> soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought
> a
> set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a
> different tone so John could tell from a
> distance, which rooster was performing.
>
> Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by
> listening to the bells. The farmer's favourite rooster was old Butch, and
> a
> very fine specimen he was, too.
>
> But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung
> at
> all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets,
> bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for
> cover.
>
> But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it
> couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the
> next
> one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County
> Fair
> and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
>
> The result...The judges not only awarded Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but
> they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
>
> Clearly Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician
> could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our
> planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them
> when they weren't paying attention.
>
>
>

[Limey Bill]

The Texas Preacher rose with an angry red face and said, "Someone in this Congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is A horrible lie and one, which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am Embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who Did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian...
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde, with a body that would! stop traffic, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered As she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never Said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my Friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"

The preacher fainted.

[Squizzy]

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado and off they whirled to the land of OZ.
They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard.
"What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?" Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said: "I've come for some courage."
"No Problem! said the Wizard. Who ' s next?"
Richard Nixon stepped forward, "Well, I think I need a heart."
"Done! says the Wizard.
Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"
Up stepped Dubya and said,
"I'm told by the American people that I need a brain."
"No problem! said the Wizard.
Consider it done."
Then there is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around,
But he doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,
"Well, what do you want?"
"IS DOROTHY HERE? "

[Squizzy]

Scrambled Words

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you re arrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rear! range the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you r earrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

[thrasher]

Swamp
The only thing wrong with your test is while I am firing the 40 cal my wife would be firing her 380 auto. We both have carry permits.

[Moe]

I have 2 Labrador Retrievers & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

[Limey Bill]

. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 percent probability you'll get it wrong.

. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left over by those who got there first.

. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[Outlaw Lineman]

> TOP COUNTRY HITS:
> 18. While I was out getting hammered, she was getting nailed....

> 17. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
>
> 16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long
>
> 15. If I Can't Be Number 1 In Your Life, Then Number 2 On You
>
> 14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
>
> 13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
>
> 12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well
>
> > 11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better
>
> 10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
>
> 9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
>
> 8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
>
> 7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
>
> 6. My wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
>
> 5. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
>
> 4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
>
> 3. Her Tooth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
>
> 2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
>
> And the Number One song is:
>
> 1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few
>

[Orgnizdlbr]

Swamp, it will be very difficult for an old timer like me to use anything other than what is listed under "instead of".......

[loodvig]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office but she was involved with someone else.
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $1000 if you will have sex with me but the girl said NO.
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up.
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.
So, she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend said ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.
So she agreed and accepted the proposal.
Half an hour went by and the boyfriend waited and waited for his girlfriend to call and finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened?
She said "The ******* used coins"

[Koga]

I understand the why and when to use diplomacy. And on rare occassions I have used it. (Usually gets you no where) But I have a nick name to live up to. (Kiss Ol Glenns Ass) Like Orgnizer Im way past the point of bitin my tongue. But I have found you can tell em what you want as long as you pick your timming, phrase it right, and do it with a smile :D


Koga :cool:

[Orgnizdlbr]

Well Koga, you and labor are both better men than I.

I don't believe in that "diplomacy" crap. Sorry. "talk it like ya walk it". If I got to "mince words" with you....then, to me....you ain't worth talkin to. I just don't do "political correctness". It's Bull****. If something "offends" you....then get a ****in life *****. YOU have a problem...

Cause I sure don't. :-) :-)
When Men start talkin in "political correctness".....in Our Trade...It's all Lost....

Now...my wife CAN take me out, and THEN...I can, as much as I hate it...Be...Politically correct.
Cause.....I got come home with her...if ya get my drift.

Hay....this is a Joke Thread....
Cool comments, but lets keep it just...."Post a joke". :-)

"TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat **** and die."

Swamp, i think ya missed my point....I aint for PC **** either...!!!

[tramp67]

try Saying:
i Think I Did Something Wrong

instead Of:
i Don't Know What Happened! It Just ****ing Blew Up!

[BigClive]

try Saying:
i Think I Did Something Wrong

instead Of:
i Don't Know What Happened! It Just ****ing Blew Up!

Or "Oh my goodness, I appear to have received an unexpected electric shock!"

As opposed to:-

"AAAARGH!.... You useless piece of F*cking low grade b*starding c*nty maldesigned technical ****!"

[loodvig]

IMPORTANT STATS

After a 2 year study the National Science Foundation announced the following results on Americas
recreational preferences:

#1 The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is basketball

#2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.

#3 The sport of choice for blue collar workers is football.

#4The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.

#5The sport of choice for middle management is tennis.

#6The sport of choice for corporate officers is golf.

#7CONCLUSION:"The higher you rise in the corporate structure, THE SMALLER YOUR BALLS BECOME!

[loodvig]

Ted Kennedy hears from Osama
>>>>
>>>> After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive,"Osama
>>>> himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a note in his own handwriting to
>>>> let
>>>> him know he was still in the game.
>>>>
>>>> Kennedy opened the note, which appeared to contain a single line of
>>>> coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.
>>>>
>>>> Kennedy was baffled, so he E-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his
>>>> aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could
>>>> solve
>>>> it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
>>>>
>>>> With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps
>>>> Intelligence for help.
>>>>
>>>> Withi n a few seconds, the Marines cabled back with this reply: "Tell
>>>> Kennedy he is holding the message upside down."

["little beaver"]

This controlled experiment involved two Nuclear Engineers, two Rocket Scientists, and two Linemen. Each pair would be locked in a room for 12 hours with only two chairs, a table and two pieces of pipe.
After 12 hours the Nuclear Eng's had constructed a miniature nuclear reactor. The two Rocket Scientists were next and after their 12 hours they had put together a small rocketship.
Finally it was the Linemen's turn. When the judges entered the room after the Linemen's 12 hours with the two pieces of pipe, they found that they had lost one and broke the other!!

[loodvig]

Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says "I love New York" in Arabic.


The Plan!

You gotta love Robin Williams......
Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin
Williams to come up with the perfect
plan. What we need now is for our
UN Ambassador to stand up and
repeat this message.

Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to
argue with this logic!)

"I see a lot of people yelling for peace
but I have not heard of a plan for
peace. So, here's one plan."

1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good ole boys", we will never "interfere" again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave.We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who m or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers
or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort
to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else(like Canada ! or Oklahoma!). They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given
to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way , no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer
saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "

[BigClive]

Video clip.

http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=-8976398296169232951&q=bud

[Alan Mac]

:) Nice on eBig C, just what I needed after the week I've just had.

Mac

[BigClive]

:) Nice on eBig C, just what I needed after the week I've just had.

Mac

Go on then, spill the beans. What happened that made it a rough week? :)

Mine was full of petty council politics where I was supposed to "service" Xmas lights with no materials. Well ****ty lights it is then. :rolleyes:

[Alan Mac]

Third week of quality control on a tower painting contract. Wife came home from a week working in Mumbai (that was the good bit) on Saturday morning, Sunday morning the kitchen and dining room got flooded and Monday night we had to have one of the family pets put to sleep.

Other than that, life's just peachy.

Mac

[Alan Mac]

Sorry swamp, and thanks for the kind words. I'm back on top of the game now.
I'll try getting some more jokes on here in the next couple days, just to redress the balance.
Mac

[Alan Mac]

A man walks into a bar with a monkey, who proceeds to eat all the peanuts on the bar, followed by a snooker ball left out. The barman creates a real fuss and asks the man to control the monkey. The man apologies and says the monkey has a tendancy to eat anything.



The following week, the man returns to the bar with the monkey who proceeds to pick up crisps, force up his bum and then eat them. He does the same with some peanuts. The barman is out of his mind. ' Thats disgusting, even worse that last week' he says. Sorry says the man, he's still uncontrollable, but after the incident with the snooker ball, he likes to check everything will fit !!

[Alan Mac]

Aging Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.



Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.



Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.



The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."



Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot

wound to her knee.

[Alan Mac]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day
while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly
jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and
stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and
pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good
news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since
you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and
saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act
displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you
saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe
belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead.

.
.
.
.wait for it!
.



Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"

[Alan Mac]

THE BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR



A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.



When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "But I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".



The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect) "Anything?" he asked. "Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised. 'Well then, just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.



The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did. He then said "Now get on your knees". She did. "Now take down my zipper". She did. "Now go ahead ... take it out ....." he said. She reached it and grabbed it with both hands ... then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well.. go ahead". The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it .. and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said "Hello, mum can you hear me?"

[Alan Mac]

One day a little indian boy walked up to the chief

and said "Me ready for women." The chief said

"Before you can have a real women, you must go into

the woods and practice on the trees for three days"



The Indian boy said "Ok," and went off into the woods.



Three days later, he returns and says "Me ready

for women."



The Indian chief says "Pick out any woman you want and

take her inside the teepee."



The boy picked a women, escorted her into the teepee and

said "Take off all your clothes, bend over and grab your ankles." The women asked "Why?", but the boy told her to just to bend over.



The women bent over, and the boy kicked her in the ass.

"Why the hell did you do that?" she asked.



"Just checking for bees." replied the boy.

[Alan Mac]

Two guys lost in the wilderness and 1 morning they decide to go their separate ways to seek a way home and meet back to inform the other. So off they go and just as dusk is starting they meet back up. the first guy asked well, "Where did you go and what did you find" he replied well I found a stream and decided to follow it to its destination, once I got there I found a wonderful lake with scenic views, birds singing, wind blowing through the trees, so I decided to have a bite to eat and come back as there was no way home. How about you ? The second guy replied, well, I came across a railway track and decided to follow this to see where it went, after walking several miles I came across a woman tied to the tracks, I untied her and we had sex in every possible position you could think of, the first guy jumps in and asks if he got a BJ, the second guy replied No, I couldn't find her head !

[Alan Mac]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, order

three pints of beer and sits in the back of the

room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finished them, he comes back to the bar

and orders three more. The bartender tells him,

"You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it

would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two

brothers. One is in America, the other in

Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all

left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to

remember the days when we drank together." The

bartender admits that this is a nice custom.



The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and

always drinks the same way: One day, he comes in

and orders two pints. All the other regulars

notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the

bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I

don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted

to offer my condolences on your great loss." The

Irishman looks confused for a moment, and then it

occurs to him whats's happening. "oh, no, " he

says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking.

[Alan Mac]

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he
kept in the hen house out in the back of the parish rectory. He had a
cock rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and the priest suspected
that this was the time the cockfights occurred in the village. So he
decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the
men stood up. "No, No," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody
seen a cock?" All the women stood up. "No, No," he said, "That wasn't
what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half
the women stood up. "No, No," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has
anybody seen my cock?" All the alter boys stood up.

[loodvig]

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE

1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked
and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from
a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered
with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors
or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets,
not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts
or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was
always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a
bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one
bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank
soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight
because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day,
as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of
scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out
we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a
few times, we learned to solve the problem .

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no
video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video
tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no
text messaging, no personal computers, no Internet or
Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we
went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth
and there were no lawsuits from these accidents .


We played with worms and mud pies made from dirt, and
the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up
games with sticks and tennis balls and although we
were told it would happen, we did not put out very
many eyes.


We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and
knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled
for them!


Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the
team.
Those who didn't had to learn to deal with
disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the
law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!


This generation has produced some of the best
risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!


The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation
and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility,
and we learned

HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!


You might want to share this with others who were
blessed to grow up
as kids, before the lawyers and the government
regulated our lives for
our own good.

[loodvig]

Melbourne Zoo in Australia had acquired a female gorilla of a very rare species. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Kevin, a big Kiwi lad, responsible for fixing the Zoo’s machinery. Kevin, like most Kiwi men, had little sense, but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Kevin was approached with a proposition: Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Kevin showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Kevin announced that he would accept their offer, only under three conditions.

"First," he said, "I don’t want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."

The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.

"Well," said Kevin, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

[loodvig]

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma’am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." "The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major’s short reply was, "Yes, ma’am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it’s only 2130 now."

[Dave@PSE&G]

The Difference Between Guts And Balls.



We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know what the difference between them is? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...





GUTS -- Arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met at the door by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"



BALLS -- Arriving home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, having lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."



I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

[DuFuss]

Doesn't anyone read the jokes before they post them? That's been posted at least 3 times and once no more than two pages back.

[Dave@PSE&G]

Sorry, I didn't catch that. This one came to me via e-mail, and I was just passing it on. But thanks for pointing out my carelessness. I'll try not to dissapoint in the future.

[DuFuss]

No big deal, I've noticed a LOT of duplicates on here. Oh well I suppose I should just skip them or read again and laugh again. :)

[thrasher]

> The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
> If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap.
> Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
> If you sue a parsly farmer and win, do you garnish his wages?
> Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
> Can vegatarians eat animal crackers?
> If a turtle doesn't have a shell is he naked or homeless?
> The nicest thing about egotists is they don't talk about other people.
> Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
> If one synchornized swimmer drowns do they all drown?
> Whose cruel idea was it for the word Lisp to have an S in it?
and finally
one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor..

[DuFuss]

If Ted has 10 apples and Betty has 6 apples then why don't they just shut up and eat?


If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one around to hear it does it really matter?


A guy walks into a bar. After sitting down he noticed it was a gay bar. Being "thirsty" he goes ahead and orders his beer. Bartender says "Before I can give you a beer you must tell me the name of your ****." Guy has a disgusted look on his face and says to just give him the beer so he can drink it and leave. Bartender assures him that no one is trying to pick up on him and that it's just a question they ask everyone. "Straight guys name it, and so do gay guys." says the bartender then going on to say "For example mine is named Maxwell House. It's good to the last drop!" Well the dude sits there staring into space for a minute then says "Secret!" Bartender says "I don't understand is it a secret or is it's name secret?" Dude say "The name is secret. Strong enough for a man but made for a woman!"

[Dave@PSE&G]

Q: Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids?
A: Because he only comes once a year and thats in the chimney.

Q: Did you hear about the Polish terrorist?
A: They sent him to blow up a car and he burned his lips on the tailpipe.

Q:What's the last thing to go through a bugs mind when he hits a windshield?
A: His *******.

[loodvig]

Two families moved from Saudi Arabia to the USA.

When they arrived the two fathers made a bet ---

---in a year's time whichever family had become more American would win.

A year later they met again.

The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonalds for breakfast

and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud.

How about you?"

The second man replied, "F@#k you, towel head."
_________________

[loodvig]

Headaches:

The doctor said, Joe, "the good news is I can cure your
headaches. The bad news is that, it will require
castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes
your testicles, to press on your spine, and the pressure
creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve
the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked, and depressed. He wondered if he had
anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under
the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a
headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt
like he was missing an important part of himself.

He walked down the street; he realized that he felt
like a different person. He could make a new beginning,
and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store, and
thought, that's what I need...a new suit. He entered the
shop, and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly, and said; "Let's
see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years", the tailor said. Joe
tried on the suit... it fit perfectly. As Joe admired
himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a
new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment, and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe, and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves,
and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt,
and it fit perfectly. He walked comfortably around the
shop, and the salesman asked, "how about some new
underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Lets see...size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34
since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34.
A size 34 would press your testicles up against the
base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."


New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[harley]

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.
The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab the fish!!"
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....
"Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."
Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more....
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear
and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time).
"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly .. and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ... then I can have mouse for lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the fish... The hunter shoots the bear.. The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse.. The mouse ducks...The cat falls into the water and drowns.












The moral of the story is:
Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some ***** is in serious danger.

[Pootnaigle]

Years ago I was working a pole in an alley Out of my hooks. I dropped my wrench and since i had no help I had to climb down and retreive it. Once on the ground I saw a little boy watching me.He said very smartly that His Daddy was a lineman and he always carried 2 wrenches in case he dropped one. Nodding my head I ascended back to my original position and began resuming my task. As luck would have it I dropped my screwdriver and once agin had to descend. Again the little boy said My daddy always carries 2 Screwdrivers in case he drops one. Kinda frustrated I went back up when to my disbeleif I dropped my Hammer . Once on the ground I heard the words I jusy knew were coming" My Daddy carries 2 hammers". I went back up n finished my job and when I hit the ground I felt a terrible urge to Umm Pay My waterbill. As I stood there holding my manhood There stood the little boy watching intently. I just couldnt resist and said " I guess your daddy has 2 of these huh?" He replied No But the one he has would make 2 of that one!!!!

[BigClive]

The moral of the story is:
Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some ***** is in serious danger.

Ah, so ***** is a valid word in the USA too then? That wasn't anything to do with Mrs Slocombe from the vintage British sitcom Are You Being Served?

[tramp67]

Oh, the British humor! Mrs. Slocumb isn't the only one that likes to play with a *****! The shaved ones are a delicacy in many parts of the US! Women here in Alaska let their bare pussies run wild in the wintertime, knowing that some kind gent will be more than happy to give the ***** a warm home and plenty of cream!:D

[Dave@PSE&G]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "you know
what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started
cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old
continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm going say something
with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'. The 4 year old agrees with
enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year
old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess
I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles
across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out,
with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His
mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I
let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old
and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young
man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it
won't be Cheerios.":rolleyes:

[loodvig]

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith fro m CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years.

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"



"Like I'm talking to a ****in' wall."

[loodvig]

TWO BUDDIES


Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk
at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over
himself. "Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"

Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in
your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone
threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the
dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get
even drunker.

Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts
to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and
you've puked all over yourself! My God...you're
disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words,
Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin.
Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks.
But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one
too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said
hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for
the cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But
this is forty bucks..."

"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.

[harley]

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up.
Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.
She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.
"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.
This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today I took the final step...I joined the Democratic Party.

[loodvig]

DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN...?

All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?
It took five minutes for the TV warm up?
Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school?
Nobody owned a purebred dog?
When a quarter was a decent allowance?
You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?
Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?
All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair
done every day and wore high heels?
You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without
asking, all for free, every time? And you didn't pay for air? And, you got
trading stamps to boot?
Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?

It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real
restaurant with your parents?
They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. . .and they did?
When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise, peel out, lay rubber
or watch submarine races, and people went steady?
No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in
the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?
Lying on your back in the grass with your friends and saying things like,
"That cloud looks like a ..."and playing baseball with no adults to help
kids with the rules of the game?
Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals
because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?

And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip
back in time and savor the slower pace, and share it with the children
of today?
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the
fate that awaited the student at home? Basically we were in fear for our
lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.
Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!
But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.
Send this on to someone who can still remember.
Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy, Howdy Doody and the
Peanut Gallery, the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk.
As well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, Hula Hoops,
bowling and visits to the pool, and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that?"
I am sharing this with you today because it ended with a double dog
dare to pass it on. To remember what a double dog dare is, read on.
And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to
know better and too young to care.

How many of these do you remember?
Candy cigarettes
Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.
Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles.
Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes.
Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum.
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers.
Newsreels before the movie.
P.F. Fliers
Telephone numbers with a word prefix....(Cherry 1-2944.)
Party lines.
Peashooters
Howdy Doody
45 RPM records
Green Stamps
Hi-Fi's
Metal ice cubes trays with levers
Mimeograph paper
Beanie and Cecil
Roller-skate keys
Cork pop guns
Drive ins
Studebakers
Washtub wringers
The Fuller Brush Man
Reel-To-Reel tape recorders
Tinkertoys
Erector Sets
The Fort Apache Play Set
Lincoln Logs
15 cent McDonald hamburgers
Jewel Tea man
5 cent packs of baseball cards with that awful pink slab of bubble gum
Penny candy
35 cent a gallon gasoline
Jiffy Pop popcorn

Do you remember a time when...
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"?
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, Do Over!"?
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening?
It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"?
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot?
A foot of snow was a dream come true?
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense?
Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?
War was a card game?
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?

If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!!

[tramp67]

Very true, Loodvig! Boy, that brings back some memories!

[loodvig]

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving
it.That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,or
monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[loodvig]

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.



"Nice bike," the cop said, "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep,"

the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over

and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said,

"Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it"



The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got,

did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year

tell Santa the D ick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

[loodvig]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.

There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.."

"****!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? "Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flowerbeds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay "

[loodvig]

http://pageperso.aol.fr/marcbrecy/deanmartin.html

[linemanfrog]

So,.... I was at Wal-Mart today
After this I forgot why the hell I was at the store!!!










What was I looking for on the computer again?

[loodvig]

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to **** yourself when I tell you the price."

[electric squirrel]

So,.... I was at Wal-Mart today
After this I forgot why the hell I was at the store!!!










Thats not wal-mart , thats heaven! E.S.

[loodvig]

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish.

[BigClive]

This is quite a funny clip of a kid hiding in a box to scare the garbage collector. Unfortunately the garbage collector doesn't take it too well.


http://www.break.com/index/garbage_man_scare_prank_backfires.html

[loodvig]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot
and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side
of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on
his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded,
"I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going in to retrieve
it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not
coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in
the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
do things in Louisiana. We settle small disagreements like this with the
Louisiana Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?" The
Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me
three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the
local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to
the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot
into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick
nearly
ripped the man's nose off his face.

The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to
a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his
feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."





The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the
duck"

[Bigheadnc]

A man takes the day off work and
decides to go out golfing
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to
the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is
about to shoot when he
hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't
see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the
cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the
man asks "Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The
man is befuddled and doesn't know
what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the
best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas
" They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man
asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6."
Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man
figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table
The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."
The frog replies,
"Ribbit KissMe."
He figures why not,
since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that,
your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room. So help me God
or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

peace

[loodvig]

New Rule .1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule .2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule 3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky b#$%^&*.

New Rule .4: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule 5: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule .6: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket... water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That should be your flavored water.

New Rule .7: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his a** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule .8: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a-hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a-hole.

New Rule 9: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, "No, I don't want cash back", and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule .10: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a**. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule .11: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too d### exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule 12: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule .13: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule .14: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule .15: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint, as if I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule .16: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months?" "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place . I was attempting to be nice

[duckhunter]

HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT




Hillary Clinton

Was sworn in today as President

She has disposed of Bill and is spending her
first night alone in the White House.

She has waited several years for this.

FIRST NIGHT

Suddenly!

The ghost of George Washington appears to her,

and Hillary says,
"How can I best serve my country?"




Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

SECOND NIGHT

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says,

"Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."

THIRD NIGHT

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"




Lincoln says,
"Go to the theater."

[LINETRASH]

A Jerry Clower classic....

These three bulls were at a farm talking about the pending arrival of a new bull.

The first bull says "well, I been here a long time, and most of these cows are mine, no way am I sharing any of em with the new bull!"

The second bull says "I aint got as many cows as you, and I aint sharin' either!"

The third bull snorts and adds "I only been here a couple years and aint got but about 5 cows that even like me, no way this new bull's gettin any of 'em!"

About that time the trailer arrives at the farm, and out steps the biggest meanest looking bull that they have ever seen.

He's a beast, standing as tall as a horse, wide as a barn door!

He strides over to the fence and looks OVER it insted of through it, a deep rumbling in it's chest grows to a thunderous roar as it bellows, shaking it's cragy barrel sized head adorned with massive horns.

The first bull, taking it in, says "You know, it just aint right that a new fella should be alone in a new farm, I think I'll let this bull have a few of my cows, its the right thing to do"

The second bull says "Hell, your right, matter of fact, I'll let him pick whoever he wants"

The third bull remains silent, staring at the monster at the fence.

Suddenly, he pitches his head back and bellows, scattering dirt as he paws the ground, nostrils flaring, snot flying as he snorts.

The others, alarmed, look on in shock.

"Hey man," the first bull warns, "Are you crazy? that thing will kill you!"

The third bull looks at them and says "I just want to make sure that HE knows that I'M a bull!!"




Jerry Clower is my all time favorite comedian. He never had to cuss to be funny and he was hilarios!

[linemanshouldblinewomen]

I have heard alot about a teacher at that company,and from what i hear he should not be a teacher.

[wifeofalineman]

I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you, especially with the weather we've had lately! It was inspirational to me, and it's very well written. Enjoy!

" WINTER "

a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre



" **** !! It's Cold ! "

[wifeofalineman]

>>>> > Martha recently lost her husband. She had him
>>>> > cremated and brought his
>>>> > ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she
>>>> > poured him out on the
>>>> > patio table.
>>>> >
>>>> > Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she
>>>> > started talking to him....
>>>> > "Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me?
>>>> > I bought it with the
>>>> > insurance money!"
>>>> >
>>>> > She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the
>>>> > ashes then said, "Herman,
>>>> > remember that car you promised me? Well, I also
>>>> > bought it with the
>>>> > insurance money!"
>>>> >
>>>> > Again, she paused for a few minutes and while
>>>> > tracing her fingers in the
>>>> > ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you
>>>> > promised me? Bought it
>>>> > too with the insurance money!"
>>>> > Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes,
>>>> > she said, "Herman,
>>>> > remember that blow job I promised you? Here it
>>>> > comes..........."

[Yager]

A fag walks into a butcher shop and say's "give me that stick of pepperoni"
the butcher say's "do you want that sliced?"
the fag says "Does my ass look like a piggy bank!"

[ShouldaBeenALineman]

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but saran wrap.
The psychiatrist looks at him and says, "I can clearly see yer nuts."
:)

[Outlaw Lineman]

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did
for a living.

All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman,
salesman,

doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet so when the
teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic
dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other
men and they put money in his underwear.
Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy
and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to
ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," the boy said,
"He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get
Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to
say that in front of the other kids."

[LostArt]

Dammit man! I just saw that joke Case!! I just knew I would have a joke to post! Oh well.........let Steve beat you with an ugly stick!!! :D

[Dave@PSE&G]

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking...... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"

CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! < /I>
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"


"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

[Outlaw Lineman]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple
bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly
around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I
noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a
golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. "Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

I don't remember much after that!

[Bigheadnc]

> > A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad
> > bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried
> > about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
> > The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
> > The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I
> > have to get on top of it and help flatten it."
> > "Your wasting your time," said the boy.
> > "Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.
> > "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her
> > knees and blows it right back up."

[loodvig]

THE MAILMAN

One Monday morning the mailman is walking the neighborhood on his
usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,"
the mailman comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time
with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "****, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up
seven times."

[Dave@PSE&G]

Q: Whats the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

A: The Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelery.

[Dave@PSE&G]

How do you embarrass an archeologist?

Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.

[Dave@PSE&G]

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?

A mechanic.

[Bigheadnc]

REALLY BAD DAY.


Today, I woke up early as usual. When I was going to have breakfast I slipped on the stairs and got a big whack on my head.

To calm me down, my wife gave me a cup of coffee; I burned my tongue because it was too **** hot! ! !

I put a slice of bread in the toaster and when I went to get it out I got an electric shock that threw me on my rear.

The telephone rang, it was the office telling me that last night the safe was broken into and everything was taken.

I decided this was the right time to take a nice hot shower
and meditate to bring down my stress and help me to relax.

That's when it happened..









Ouch. email me and I'll show you. Bighead@Bigheadsstuff.com

[Dave@PSE&G]

REALLY BAD DAY.


Today, I woke up early as usual. When I was going to have breakfast I slipped on the stairs and got a big whack on my head.

To calm me down, my wife gave me a cup of coffee; I burned my tongue because it was too **** hot! ! !

I put a slice of bread in the toaster and when I went to get it out I got an electric shock that threw me on my rear.

The telephone rang, it was the office telling me that last night the safe was broken into and everything was taken.

I decided this was the right time to take a nice hot shower
and meditate to bring down my stress and help me to relax.

That's when it happened..









Ouch. email me and I'll show you. Bighead@Bigheadsstuff.com
BH,
I don't know if I want you to show me a picture of what went on in the shower. Maybe you could just tell us...

[PA BEN]

Do you know what you call a Vegetarion with diarrhea?

A Salad Shooter!:D

[loodvig]

A newly wed couple had only been married for two weeks.

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on
the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife,
"Honey, I'll be right back.

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to
the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands
from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he
could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you
know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge
beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills
just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at
the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I
won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and
took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty
words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, ****head? Drink your ****ing beer in your
god**** frozen mug and eat your mother****ing snacks, because you are
married now, and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, *******?"

And they lived happily ever after.

[poletop22]

A jumbo jet is coming into Brisbane Airport on its final approach.
The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're
on our final descent into Brisbane. I want to thank you for flying with
us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Brisbane."
He forgets to switch off the intercom.
Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do
in Brisbane?"
Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a
big crap.
Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge boobs and hot ass
out for dinner.
I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room, and put it in her big time all night."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking
up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane.
She's so embarrassed that she starts to run toward the cockpit to turn the
intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says:
No need to hurry, dear, He's gotta take a **** first."

[duckhunter]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they
do to make their days interesting. Well, for example,
the other day I went down town to go to the newsstand
for the Wall Street Journal so I could track my
investments. I was only in there for about 5 minutes.
When I came out, there was a cop writing out a
parking ticket. I said to him, "Come on,
man, how about giving a retired person a break"?
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and wrote
another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo."
He finished second ticket and put it on the windshield
with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more
I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care..... I came down town on the
bus. The car that he was putting the tickets on
had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."
I try to have a little fun each day now that
I'm retired. It's important to my health.

[dbrown20]

A patrolman stopped a speeder. "What's the big hurry Buddy?" He asked, as he approached the driver. "Oh officer, my wife is at work and she started her period unexpectedly and I have to hurry to the store and get her some Tampons". Okay the patrolman said. "I'll let you go with a warning, but slow it down." "Oh thank you sir." Replied the motorist.

After a little while the patrolman stopped another speeder. As he approached the black man, the cop said. " I suppose your wife is having her period also?" The black man wiped his mouth with his sleeve and said. "Oh no sir, that's just barbeque sauce ." dbrown20

[dbrown20]

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him and says. "Lets see your credentials." Einstein says. "I am Albert Einstein, world renown physicist." St. Pete says. "You must prove it." Einstein produces some paper and begins to write down complicated formulas, one after the other. St. Peter says. " Okay, good enough, come on in."

Pablo Picasso dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter asks him for his identity. Picasso says. "I am Pablo Picasso, the famous artist." St. Peter says. "Prove it." Picasso produces some paper and paint and begins to create abstract paintings by the score. St. Peter says. "Okay, I believe you. Come on in."

George Bush dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter says. "Who are you?" G.W. replies. "I am George Bush, former president of the United States of America." St. Peter says prove it. G.W. says. "Why should I have to prove it everybody knows who I am." St. Peter says. "Look, Einstein and Picasso had to prove their identity." "Why shouldn't you?" G.W. replies. "Who is Einstein and who is Picasso?" St. Peter says. "Good enough. You're him. Come on in." dbrown20

[linescum]

A husband wakes up with a huge hangover the night after a
business function. He forces himself to open his eyes
and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins
next to a glass of
water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

The husband sits up in bed and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror
and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I
left early to go shopping. Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough,
there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
The husband asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3am, drunk and out of your mind.
You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway ,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
The husband asks, "So, why is everything
in such perfect order, so clean,
and I have a rose and breakfast is on
the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom
and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
'Leave me alone, *****, I'm married!!'"

Broken table--$200
Hot breakfast--$5
Red rose--$3
Two aspirins--$.25
Saying the right thing at the right time...PRICELESS!

[linescum]

The CIA passed out a test to see who would fit into their Assassin Program. Three men passed the test, and were sent to a room. An agent walked into the room, and said to the first guy, "This is a test to determine your loyalty to your country. Your wife is in the next room, and what will happen is we'll give you a gun, and you must go kill her with it." The first man takes the gun, leaves the room, and a couple of minutes later he comes back crying, and says, "I can't kill my wife. I love her so much. I just can't do it." The agent responds, "Sorry, but you don't belong in the program."

The agent addresses candidate number two in the same way. "This is a test to determine your loyalty to your country. Your wife is in the next room, and what will happen is we'll give you a gun, and you must go kill her with it." The second man leaves the room, and comes back very shortly. He tearfully explains, "I'm sorry, I can't do it. I love her too much." The agent lets him know that he isn't qualified for the program.

The agent then turns to the third man, and gives him the same instructions as the other two men. The third man leaves the room, and an hour later, after sounds of shooting, smashing & screaming, he comes back, hands the agent the gun, and says, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was full of blanks, so I had to beat her to death with the chair."

[Dave@PSE&G]

A husband wakes up with a huge hangover the night after a
business function. He forces himself to open his eyes
and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins
next to a glass of
water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

The husband sits up in bed and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror
and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I
left early to go shopping. Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough,
there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
The husband asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3am, drunk and out of your mind.
You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway ,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
The husband asks, "So, why is everything
in such perfect order, so clean,
and I have a rose and breakfast is on
the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom
and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
'Leave me alone, *****, I'm married!!'"

Broken table--$200
Hot breakfast--$5
Red rose--$3
Two aspirins--$.25
Saying the right thing at the right time...PRICELESS!

And that ain't no joke...

[Alan Mac]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I told Sue that I would be home by midnight ... promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 3 A.M., drunk as a Judge (Don't you mean a Lord, Yes Me Lord)I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning Sue asked me what time I got in and I told her
12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said "Well, it cuckooed three times, then said 'oh f##k,' cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times,giggled, cuckooed twice more and then farted.

[Alan Mac]

Next time you think you have had a bad day at work, think
about this guy...

Tom is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers
out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on
offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an email he sent to his sister. She sent it to
Laughline and won the contest (he wasn't thrilled with
her for that one).
Anyway...anytime you think you have had a bad day at the
office, remember this guy.

April 1998

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last
week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been
feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my
dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after
all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first
must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you
know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit
to the office. It's a wetsuit.
This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to
keep warm is this:

We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This
$20,000 piece of **** sucks the water out of the sea. It
heats it to a delightful temp.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose
which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a ****
good plan, and I've used it several times with no
complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start
working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of

my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's
like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass
started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only
made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to
burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage
was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped
it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you
once had under a cast.
Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on
my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My
ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I
thought was an itch,
I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the
communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the
fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing
hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was
instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops
totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for
my dry chamber decompression.

I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board
the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face,
handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it "up my
ass" when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out,
but I couldn't **** for two days because my ******* was
swollen shut.
I later found out that this could easily have been
prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward
side of the ship.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office,
think of me.

Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to
shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days
at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make them more
tolerable.

Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.
Love you,
Tom

[Alan Mac]

In a small town, back in frontier Alberta, the only cow stopped giving milk. The people did some research. They could buy a cow from Winnipeg for $50, or one from Edmonton for $100. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Winnipeg. The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time. The people were amazed and very happy. They decided to buy a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about the milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away. He could not succeed in his quest. The people were upset. They went to the local priest. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side." The priest thought about this for a minute and asked. "Did you buy this cow from Winnipeg?" The people were dumbfounded. They had never told him where the cow came from. "You are truly a wise priest," they said. "How did you know it is a Winnipeg cow?" The priest (not a Catholic) answered sadly, "My wife is from Winnipeg."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

[PA BEN]

A school teacher asked her class a question. If you go to heaven, what part of your body would enter first?

Swamprat was in the back with his hand up saying “OOOOOOOO, Pick me”.

The teacher knew Swamp was a trouble maker. So she picked LostArt who was sitting quietly in the front with Her hand up.

LostArt said, “Your hands of course”.

The teacher said, Why is that?

LostArt said, “Well if you were to go to heaven most likely you would have your arms up so your hands would be first”.

Very good said the teacher, who’s next.

There’s swamp in the back going “OOOOOOOO, Pick me”.

The teach knew better but she picked swamp.

Swamp said, “Why your feet would”

Thinking this isn’t so bad she asked, Why?

Swamp said, “Well last night I went to the bathroom and as I walked by Mom and Dad's room Mom was screaming , “Lord I’m coming, and if it wasn’t for Dad penning Her down to the bed, She would have shot up right then and there”.

[Alan Mac]

Subject: Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side

PLATO: For the greater good

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads

KARL MARX: It was an historical inevitability

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road
was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PlM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, Knowledge, capital and experiences align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens, along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry, to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market massage and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution.
Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The
chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTEN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens
will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many
more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat,
the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who
cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000 which
will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance my checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road
?" Rather, it is "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved
beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road.... It
transcended it.

ERNEST HEMMINGWAY: To Die in the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?

Answer: Because it was a Rhode Island chicken!

[Alan Mac]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge.
I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I
stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

[Alan Mac]

A cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."

There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?"

[Alan Mac]

Aging Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot
wound to her knee.

[BigClive]

Subject: Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side

PLATO: For the greater good

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads




PA BEN: <BANG!> Light the barbecue! I've just shot a chicken. :rolleyes:

[Bigheadnc]

>A fireman was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a
>little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the
>sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
> The girl was wearing a fireman's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by
>her dog and her cat. The fireman walked over to take a closer look. That
>sure is a "nice fire truck," he said with admiration.
> "Thanks," the girl replied. The fireman looked a little closer and
>noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's
>testicles.
> "Little Partner," the fireman said, "I don't want to tell you how to
>run
>your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think
>you could go faster."
> The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then
>I
>wouldn't have a siren."
>
>
>Bighead

[Dave@PSE&G]

PA BEN: <BANG!> Light the barbecue! I've just shot a chicken. :rolleyes:

Careful, it might have been a penguin.

[loodvig]

Why Athletes Can't (and shouldn't) Have Real Jobs


1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a
role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do,
to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about
the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or
1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Redskins say,
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,
"Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win,I'd run over
Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his
coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets
us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe
Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called
a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of
Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter
how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." And,
"You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line
up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to
prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out
smarter? He went to prison for three years, not
Princeton."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing,
explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself
above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to
spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the
Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew
Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in
the morning regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball
player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he
appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's
expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going
to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ
ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former
player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is
it ignorance or apathy? He said, 'Coach,I don't
know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M,
recounting what he told a player who received four
F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're
spending too much time on one subject."

14. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum
Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his
wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:
"Because she is too darn ugly to kiss good- bye."

[Dave@PSE&G]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.

Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that ?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one ?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life."

"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock ?" asked the man.

"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office...he's using it as a ceiling fan.":D

[Bigheadnc]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say, I feel great.
I be work soon.....you got nice house."


:cool:

[tramp67]

Only 4 Parachutes


An airplane was about to crash. There were 5 passengers on board,
but only 4 parachutes -

The 1st passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA
basketball player. The Lakers need me, and I can't afford
to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of a former
U.S. President, a NY State Senator and a potential future president.
And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America 's
people don't want me to die." She took the 2nd pack and jumped
out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, Ted Kennedy said I am a US Senator, the
democratic party needs me and my liver still has some good
years left. So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.

The 4th passenger, Billy Graham, said to the 5th passenger, a 10
year old schoolgirl, "I am old and frail and don't have many years
left, and as a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have
the last parachute."

The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you.
America 's smartest woman took my school bag.":eek:

[Dave@PSE&G]

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack
Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the
twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt..

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them,
she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt
Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with
a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six
children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and
subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding
announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently
returned from
Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct
them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

[Dave@PSE&G]

Jesse Jackson, while visiting a primary school class, found himself in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him down and kills him. That would be a tragedy."


'No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."


A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."


"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what
we would call a great loss."


The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.


Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"


Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Rev. Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"


"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

[loodvig]

Never Argue With A Woman


One morning the husband returns after several hours
of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not
familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take
the boat out. She motors out a short distance, and
reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up
alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am.
What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't
that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know
you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you
in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual
assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all
I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL:

Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.

[Alan Mac]

Dark Suckers



I was digging through some late nineteenth century British scientific books and found what I believe to be the original theories that Joseph Lucas (King of the road and prince of darkness) based his electrical lighting equipment on and also, I believe, was employed by the Miller Power and Darkness company as well as Wipac - a contraction of "Why pack up now?".

Since we have a few of scientific bent here, I will share the truth on light and darkness: There is no such thing as a light bulb, let alone a "mood" light. Just as there is no such thing as cold, only the absence of heat, there is no such thing as light, only the absence of dark. For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark.

Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers. The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.



First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.


As with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker. The dark which has been absorbed is then transmitted by pylons along to power plants where the machinery uses fossil fuel to destroy it.



A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle.


One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range. There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the small bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus,it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker.


Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid Wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle. This is easily proven for lightbulbs too. When you compress a gas, it gets hot, right? So the light bulb gets hot because of all the dark being squished into the wires. Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.


Dark Suckers are only able to suck dark in a straight line. Dark, Because of its mass, will not penetrate solid, opaque objects as it is being sucked by a Dark Sucker. When a Dark Sucker is operating, you will notice that dark that is behind a solid, opaque object does not flow through the object or around it to the Dark Sucker. Some of the dark will accumulate on the side of the object away from the Dark Sucker as the Dark Sucker attempts to pull it through the object. These residual patches of dark are often referred to as `shadows.'


Some surfaces are able to function as secondary Dark Suckers by sucking the dark from behind solid objects at an angle and then rerouting it to the primary Dark Sucker. These surfaces have a property we refer to as `reflective.'

Finally, there is evidence that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark cupboard and slowly open the cupboard door, you would see the interior slowly get lighter. But since dark moves faster than light, you would not be able to see the dark leave the cupboard.

So, next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is not a
light emitter but a Dark Sucker.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

- and it all makes perfect sense.

[Dave@PSE&G]

Dark Suckers



I was digging through some late nineteenth century British scientific books and found what I believe to be the original theories that Joseph Lucas (King of the road and prince of darkness) based his electrical lighting equipment on and also, I believe, was employed by the Miller Power and Darkness company as well as Wipac - a contraction of "Why pack up now?".

Since we have a few of scientific bent here, I will share the truth on light and darkness: There is no such thing as a light bulb, let alone a "mood" light. Just as there is no such thing as cold, only the absence of heat, there is no such thing as light, only the absence of dark. For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark.

Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers. The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.



First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.


As with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker. The dark which has been absorbed is then transmitted by pylons along to power plants where the machinery uses fossil fuel to destroy it.



A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle.


One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range. There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the small bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus,it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker.


Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid Wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle. This is easily proven for lightbulbs too. When you compress a gas, it gets hot, right? So the light bulb gets hot because of all the dark being squished into the wires. Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.


Dark Suckers are only able to suck dark in a straight line. Dark, Because of its mass, will not penetrate solid, opaque objects as it is being sucked by a Dark Sucker. When a Dark Sucker is operating, you will notice that dark that is behind a solid, opaque object does not flow through the object or around it to the Dark Sucker. Some of the dark will accumulate on the side of the object away from the Dark Sucker as the Dark Sucker attempts to pull it through the object. These residual patches of dark are often referred to as `shadows.'


Some surfaces are able to function as secondary Dark Suckers by sucking the dark from behind solid objects at an angle and then rerouting it to the primary Dark Sucker. These surfaces have a property we refer to as `reflective.'

Finally, there is evidence that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark cupboard and slowly open the cupboard door, you would see the interior slowly get lighter. But since dark moves faster than light, you would not be able to see the dark leave the cupboard.

So, next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is not a
light emitter but a Dark Sucker.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

- and it all makes perfect sense.
"Tales From The Dark-Sucker Side":eek:

[loodvig]

"We'll take good care of your grandfather," the nurse
at the retirement home told the worried relatives.
"Every evening we give him a glass of warm milk, and a
Viagra, and he sleeps well all night."

"Warm milk and Viagra? Why?"

"The warm milk helps him to fall asleep, and the vigra
keeps him from rolling out of bed."

[Alan Mac]

"We'll take good care of your grandfather," the nurse
at the retirement home told the worried relatives.
"Every evening we give him a glass of warm milk, and a
Viagra, and he sleeps well all night."

"Warm milk and Viagra? Why?"

"The warm milk helps him to fall asleep, and the vigra
keeps him from rolling out of bed."


Give him another in the morning to stop him pissing on his feet.

Mac

[h0tgl0v3r]

I just copied and posted the Dark Sucker Post as an 'Introduction to Electrical Theory' proposal to our 'Training Manager....................they actually asked if I was serious!!!!:rolleyes: Who said this trade is run by idiot numbskulls too full of their own self importance to actually have a knowledge of the world around them?!!!!!

[Alan Mac]

I just copied and posted the Dark Sucker Post as an 'Introduction to Electrical Theory' proposal to our 'Training Manager....................they actually asked if I was serious!!!!:rolleyes: Who said this trade is run by idiot numbskulls too full of their own self importance to actually have a knowledge of the world around them?!!!!!


If I get a chance, I've got another for them. Keep your eyes peeled!

Mac

[h0tgl0v3r]

...this should be right up your street.....

GRAVITY.....a Cornish Theory

If a cat falls, it invariably lands on its feet.

If you are buttering toast and it slips out of your hand, it invariably lands on the butter side.

Therefore; (wait for it....)

If you tape some buttered toast (butter side out) to the back of a cat.........and throw the cat out of the window..........

It should hover.......right?;)

This theory is brought to you courtesy of my good friend Murph in Redruth, in collaboration with Guinness..the thinking mans' Cider!!!!

[Dave@PSE&G]

...this should be right up your street.....

GRAVITY.....a Cornish Theory

If a cat falls, it invariably lands on its feet.

If you are buttering toast and it slips out of your hand, it invariably lands on the butter side.

Therefore; (wait for it....)

If you tape some buttered toast (butter side out) to the back of a cat.........and throw the cat out of the window..........

It should hover.......right?;)

This theory is brought to you courtesy of my good friend Murph in Redruth, in collaboration with Guinness..the thinking mans' Cider!!!!
A hovering cat! BRILLIANT!!!:D

[Dave@PSE&G]

3 plastic surgeons are having a drink after a long day at the hospital. The conversation turns into the men bragging about which is the best plastic surgeon. The first doctor says "I once had a patient who was in a mortorcycle accident and had his right arm ripped off. I re-attached his arm and he now pitches for the New York Yankees".
The second doctor says "When I was an army medic, I had a soldier who had both his legs blown off by a mine. I re-attached both his legs, and just recently he won a marathon in South America".
The third doctor smiled and said "It's obvious that I am the best surgeon among us. I had a female patient who went horseback riding and was hit by a Mack truck. There was nothing left but the horses ass and a blond wig. I sewed them together, and now she's a Senator from New York":D

[electric squirrel]

A hovering cat! BRILLIANT!!!:D

Is it me or are these guys from the UK just a little strange????? Humor is different over there I guess.....

[tramp67]

Is it me or are these guys from the UK just a little strange????? Humor is different over there I guess.....

Have you never watched "Are you being served?" on television?:rolleyes:

[Alan Mac]

Electrical generators are, in fact, smoke generators. In dynamos, you can actually see the blue sparks at the commutator producing the smoke. It is stored in batteries and transmitted from one part of the circuit to another by electron flow in the wires pumping the visible spectral manifestation known as "smoke". This flow causes heat to be generated and it must be steadily emitted from the system or build ups can occur in components. If allowed to continue uncorrected, things will get worse until the smoke bursts out of the wires or components and escapes into the atmosphere.


We know Smoke is the thing that makes electrical circuits work because every time one lets the smoke out of the electrical system, it stops working. This can be verified repeatedly through empirical testing. Sometimes, if most of the smoke can be kept in the container and allowed to condense back into the wiring, the circuit will continue to function although its efficiency may be impaired.

When, for example, the smoke escapes from an electrical component (say, a Lucas voltage regulator), it will be observed that the component stops working. The function of the wiring harness is to carry the smoke from one device to another. When the wires "spring a leak" and let all the smoke out of the system, nothing works afterwards. Starter motors were frowned upon in British Automobiles for some time, mainly because they consume large quantities of smoke and require very large wires.

It has been noted that Lucas components are possibly more prone to electrical leakage than Bosch or generic Japanese electrics. Experts point out that this is because Lucas is British and all things British leak. British engines leak oil, shock absorbers, hydraulic forks and disk brakes leak fluid, British tyres leak air and all British government departments leak. It follows, that British electrical components leak smoke. Studies show, however, that Japanese electrical circuits are much less forgiving than British systems and the loss of even a little smoke usually means complete failure.

German systems are as sturdy in constructions as British and can withstand heat quite well. Italian components are generally too complicated and flimsy and often the smoke can escape unnoticed until the system inexplicably stops working. Russian smoke is very strong and can only be contained in thick wires and big boxes.

[Alan Mac]

Is it me or are these guys from the UK just a little strange????? Humor is different over there I guess.....

Hey ES.....
What do you meen, strange? I'm way worse than that ;+}

Mac

[loodvig]

The North has Bloomingdale's, The South has Dollar General

The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names, The South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.

North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.

The North has green salads, The South has salad greens --turnip,
collard,creecy, etc.

The North has lobsters, The South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .

In the South: -- If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four
men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along
shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what
they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's"
is plural possessive. Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here,
are ya?"

Save all remnants of bacon grease. You can't properly cook without it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They
can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol,"
truck or big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced
dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should
stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll
ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest
accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery
store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just
have to go there. Purchase at least 4 loaves of bread and 2 gallons of milk.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns,
they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to
aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green
lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't
think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

Send this to four people that ain't related to you, and I reckon your life
will turn into a country music song 'fore you know it.

Your kin would get a kick out of it too!

[Dave@PSE&G]

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes:

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM:

"USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!" :eek:

[Outlaw Lineman]

One sunny day in 2008, and old man approaches the White House from Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said "I would like to go inside and speak to President Hillary Clinton". The Marine replied "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not the President and does not reside here." The old man said "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the old man came back to the White House and spoke to the same Marine, saying " I would like to go in and meet President Hillary Clinton." The Marine told the man, "Sir, as I explained to your yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not the President and does not reside here." The old man thanked him again and walked away.

The next day, the old man showed up and approached the same Marine Guard again, stating "I would like to go inside and meet President Hillary Clinton." At this point, the Marine, who is becoming a little agitated, looked at the man and said "Sir, this is the third day in a row that you've asked to speak with President Hillary Clinton, and each day I've explained to you that Mrs. Clinton isn't the President and doesn't live here. Don't you understand me?" The old man replied "Oh, I understand you just fine. I just love hearing your answer."

The Marine snapped smartly to attention, saluted and said "See you tomorrow, Sir."

[BigClive]

A silly but amusing trick to play on friends...

http://my.break.com/media/view.aspx?ContentID=246360

[BigClive]

And this is what happens when you don't have a proper tailgate talk...

http://my.break.com/media/view.aspx?ContentID=252441

[PA BEN]

Two tigers were walking through the jungle when the tiger in the back licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger jumps forward and asks the back tiger, “Why the hell did you do that”? The back tiger answers will, I just ate a narrowback and wanted to get the taste out of my mouth.:eek:

[wudwoker51]

How do you know that the toothbrush was invented south of the Mason-Dixon line? If it would have been invented anywhere else it would be called a TEETHBRUSH!

[BigClive]

Two linemen were walking down the street when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second lineman replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding
my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to
the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second lineman nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

[BigClive]

Two tigers were walking through the jungle when the tiger in the back licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger jumps forward and asks the back tiger, “Why the hell did you do that”? The back tiger answers will, I just ate a narrowback and wanted to get the taste out of my mouth.:eek:

Two tigers were walking through the jungle when the tiger in the back licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger jumps forward and asks the back tiger, “Why the hell did you do that”? The back tiger answers well, I just ate a lineman and it's made me gay.



BigClive (the narrowback).

[dbrown20]

The man was on trial for rape. The Judge says. How do you plead? The defendant answers. Insanity. The Judge says. How in hell can you plead insanity. The defendant replies. Judge, I'm plumb crazy about that stuff.

Some of the dialogue that is banned in western movies after "that movie". Okay, men mount up. Shall we ride bareback? Don't worry, I've been in tight places before. If you're not out of town by sun down, you may get plugged. The old song, "I'm back in the saddle again." There were some more but I can't remember them right off.

Then there was the woman sheriff who had such a large posse.

Then there was the cowboy who while riding across the prarie. The fairy godmother appeared and said I will grant you one wish. He said fine, I want a sexual appendage like this horse I'm riding. The fairy godmother said. You got it and poof was gone. A little later the cowboy exclaimed. Sonofa*****. I just remembered I'm riding old Bessie today. dbrown20

[Squizzy]

Mark, a loving husband, was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked
off at him.
She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."
The next morning Mark got up really early before work. When his wife
woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window. ??.And
sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of
the driveway.
Confused the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and took
the
box into the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Mark is still in ICU and not yet ready to have visitors.

[linescum]

In The Public Restroom

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it. :eek:

[linescum]

A black guy a white guy and a Mexican guy are walking home from a party drunk. A cop stops them and tells them they're all going to jail unless they can pass his sobriety test. The cop says, "Tell me something that's pink, something that's green, and something that's yellow and you can go.".


The Black guy goes first and says, "The grass is green, the sun is yellow, and a valentine is pink." The cop lets him go.


The White guy goes next and says, "Lettuce is green, a canary is yellow, and salmon is pink," The cop lets him go.


The Mexican guy goes last and says, "The phone goes green green, I pink it up, and I say yellow."

[linescum]

One evening, a family brought their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping that she would be well-cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she started to tilt to the other side. The nurses rushed back, and once more moved her back upright. This went on all morning.

Later the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you alright?" They inquired.

"It's pretty nice here." she replied. "Except they won't let you fart."

[dbrown20]

A woman was in a coma at the hospital and had been in this state for about a month. The medical staff was desperate to bring her around. One day while the nurse and Dr. were giving her a sponge bath they inadvertantly touched her in her nether regions and she quivered. The Dr. looked at the nurse and said. I'll bet there's a chance if she had sex she might come out of this coma. The nurse said. It's worth a try. The Dr. called the woman's husband and explained what they wished to try. The husband replied that he was game for anything to help his wife. The husband showed up and the Dr. and nurse showed him into the presence of his wife, pulled the curtains and retired to watch the electronic monitors. Suddenly the machine flatlined and so the Dr. and nurse rushed into the room. What happened? What happened? They asked the husband. While zipping up his pants the husband replied. You know, I think she may have choked on it. dbrown20

[loodvig]

"The American Indians found out what happens when you don't control immigration."

[BigClive]

"The American Indians found out what happens when you don't control immigration."

OOOOH! Cutting observation. The Americans aren't going to like that. ;)

All violent political replies to the bull**** forum please. :D

[dbrown20]

Clive, you've never answered the question as to why Scotsmen wear kilts. dbrown20

[BigClive]

Clive, you've never answered the question as to why Scotsmen wear kilts. dbrown20

Yes I did. The real question is... Why do Americans wear kilts?